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Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses
Community Member

Hi everyone!

Okay I feel like I know what I need to do - but it seems too hard?

i have been in a relationship (my 1st relationship) for the past 4 years. The first year was amazing. I felt so loved and like I finally met someone who understood me.

This changed however. It has turned into everything is always my fault, I get called names, I am expected to spend all my free time outside of work with him or I'll get a few nasty voice mails and texts...he says as I don't work as much as him and have very hard earned savings I should be the one paying for the next house rental bond and rent. I always feel financially pressured from him.

He has cheated on me I'm fairly sure. I have conversations from an online social account asking for nude photos of people he knows.

But I just don't feel like I can leave? How can it be I am treated so bad but I still love him, the old him. i am also scared he would rock up to my mums house where I currently live- Ihad the courage to be taken off the lease in september last year when he kept going out with people from work but wouldn't let me know where he was going and wouldn't let me meet any of them & would come home after two days of no contact drunk...I couldn't take another day of it - he made me feel so isolated but said because I have bipolar / anxiety I wouldn't cope with meeting his friends. I didn't seem him or 4 days after this whole thing and I was just so happy he agreed to take over the lease. I felt like I couldn't go on without him and he messaged me and took me out for tea (well he drove my car, he's never had his license).

i feel like no matter what he does I'm trapped and I will never be able to leave. i obviously don't trust him and I'm finding it hard to process. He sent me a few unpleasant messages last night as I accidentally fell asleep at my mums and told me not to come over until tonight. i feel like I have an opportunity to leave since he is in a bad mood, not sure if that makes sense but I feel like I. Will just go back to him. I'm finishing work in 2 hours and I just don't know what to do.

Heh has never physically hurt me back feel like I don't have a good enough reason to end it for good.

I feel so much more relaxed when I'm at my mums house, he relies on me for everything aswell, I have to drive him on a 2 hour return trip to work most days. I feel like he will lose his job without me and he will get angry and blame me.

It would be nice or just focus on myself.

cheers

17 Replies 17

pinkroses
Community Member

Hi Goeff,

thank you so much for your response & appologies for the delayed reply...my laptop borke & I have just got a new one.

I have to agree with everything you say. He has told me today that he is going out tomorrow night with people from work but "im not allowed to go because its work people only".

I feel like i have the courage to leave tomorrow when he's gone - i was thinking of leaving a note, outlining why I am leaving him - is that ok to do? or should it only be done in a conversation? I don't feel comfortable doing it face to face as he has quite a temper and I feel like he will suck me back in. I plan on changing my number aswell & in said note stating not to contact me again. i feel happy at the thought of my plan - but is it realistic?

I used to think I could never be on my own but I would rather be on my own than deal with him.

by the way - your dog looks very cute in your picture 🙂

pinkroses
Community Member

Hi Croix,

thanks for the detailed reply 🙂

in reply to this"i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text.Doesn't seem to make sense does it? Well not to me anyway - am I missing something?."

great question! I have thought about that today & I think i go back because I feel so uncomfortable with "things not being right" Il try to explain the best I can, I don't like conflict? & I think things will be different? That's what keeps coming into my head. But through this forum I have relaised I have to leave. What will things be like for me in 12 months time? probably the same if I stay if not worse. I truely do try to help him - take him to dcotros appointments as he admitted he has depression but he will never take the medication even though he said he wants to not be depressed. I think in the past I have felt guilty leaving him on his own - maybe I like looking after someone. not too sure how my mind seems to work sometimes.

I am currently not on medication as I have tried all the ones recommended however after consult with my gp, psychiatrist and psychologist we didn't see improvement. I would try them for a period of at least 9-12 months but I was told since there is no improvement - discontinue. The only one left for me to try I have been told is for people with seizures but all my healthcare professionals don't believe it is worth the risk as it would most likely cause more problems than usefulness. I work part time at the moment and thrive in that environment since not being on medication for the last 1.5 years. Please let me know if you would like to know more. It's so nice to talk to people as I'm not allowed to have friends.

thank you x

Sor to jump in. I'd leave a note...& ring the domestic violence line & tell them everything... They will help u with wat to do. Goodluck.

Hi Starwolf -

I have given a bit more detail below to other members.

I would love to tell her but I feel embarrassed and like I need to protect her. She tells her mum everything (including me) even when I ask her not to -she will reveal intimate details I do not want shared. I don't think she means it in a bad way but more that she seems like she can't help herself by telling her mum every little thing about mine & my brothers lives.

She does have some knowledge of the situation - but limited. She knows he drinks, skips work often, doesn't want me having friends, makes me drive him everywhere and guilt's me into lending him large amounts of money. But she doesn't really seem too concerned as much as she loves me.

Not allowed to have friends?? What the? Is that from your boyfriend???

Please note that the following is internet advice only and doesn't substitute professional advice:

Ok, so how's you're plan going for leaving him completely? You need to promise yourself - once you've gone, that's it, there's no going back ok?? You're going to go dark, no contact.....

I agree with writing a note but I wouldn't saying anything other than "It's over, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. Please do not attempt to contact or find me. I have changed my phone number, etc". You need to tell everything to your mother though, I think it's important for her to know. Also, she'll need to know in case he rocks up at her house. In the event that he does he should not be admitted under any circumstances and told to leave. If he doesn't call the police. I think your mother would agree after you've informed her of the situation. Make sure you keep all evidence of his abusive texts.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, but given all the advice above regarding not tolerating his behaviour you need to take action and completely eject this guy from your life. I wish you strength and courage. Don't do it alone though. It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your mother, so she would want to know what's troubling you and what this guy is doing to you. Definitely re-visit the suggested the links above regarding what to do in an abusive relationship. Wishing you Godspeed.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion
Dear Pinkroses~
First I want to thank you, not so much for replying but for taking my question seriously and thinking about yourself and the answer before posting - not everyone is capable of doing that.

One of the things I seem to do to you is feed your own words back to you. This is not because I want to make life difficult, or show disapproval or any silly thing like that.

I actually respect you and think you a lovely person and have some very fine qualities. You are able to state matters clearly, you can ponder your own motives, you can respond in sensible conversation. You are a loving person and do indeed enjoy the role of carer.

It is precisely because you are the person I’ve just described that all the posters in this thread are unhappy with your situation.

You said I'm not allowed to have friends

This is a symptom that your world is shrinking, I don’t just mean you don’t have friends and therefor your world is smaller, I mean you have reached the state of mind where you can accept this. Do you see what I mean?

Your world will continue to shrink, things that when you were younger you would have thought completely alien will become acceptable to you. His control of you will become greater, whilst he will feel at liberty to engage in whatever behavior he fancies.

A relationship has to be two-way and equal. If not you become a victim – and you are galloping towards that state.

Looking after someone does indeed feed a basic need, but you in turn have to be looked after by that person too – it’s how things really work in a partnership of love.

There are lots of good things in your message, you enjoy your work, and you have reached some sort of stability in your mental state. You love your mum and she loves you.

Please think of all the people have said, take your courage and act to protect yourself.

We will be here

Croix

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Pinkroses,

Reading through your posts, I can only see 2 facts. His need to control and your over dependency on a toxic relationship. Neither are to be confused with love, though they can disguise as such.

Love is only possible between equals.

You say you like to look after people. Quite commendable but it seems the one who needs looking after most right now is​ you.

What makes you think you deserve to be controlled, bullied, restrained in such a way ? Finding the answer will set you free.

It is my wish for you.

Hi Starwolf, I started another thread after this one. not sure if you have seen it.

Thank you so much for your advice. you know what I have been really thinking about what you said and you are 100% correct. I think for sure I am dependent on that relationship.
Thanks to everyone here though I feel like I have the tools to improve my life and learn to be single. yes it will be hard.
I think I deserve to be controlled and bullied for many reasons. as much as it pains me to say I carry a lot of guilt. My father passed away after high school and he was an alcoholic. I will always feel guilty I couldn't or didn't help him. Also I struggle with the fact I am stalked everyday & have been for the past 7 years, my fiancee helped me with that for awhile and I felt so greatful to have someone "protecting me" however that obviously changed. I guess I'm worried to he may give the stalker my personal photos or email address since he has all the stalkers details e.g. name, facebook account link & address. I think if you read my next forum post you may find some more info too.

thank you so much.