Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

Guest_7403 · ‎11-05-2020

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

Guest_1643 · ‎13-11-2020

hey there

Guest_1643 · ‎13-11-2020

i understand you and believe you that hospital didn't work for u -

some of these services leave a lot to be desired - and if you needed a break and got more stress that's just frustrating and disappointing.

i'm sorry you feel low. what your ex wife did to you was not okay and seems to stem from narcissism - which led her to not take accoutability for her actions.
I'm sorry you felt so close to the end but glad you made it through even though it was so painful.
Is it the loss of your wife that is so painful or more the betrayal?

quirkywords · ‎13-11-2020

The borderline,

I respect that you have worked out what helps you and what you need.
You have insight into your behaviour and realise your strengths and your flaws.

The forum is a safe place to share your thoughts. I am pleased you are part of the forum.

Sophie_M · ‎13-11-2020

Hey Theboderline, thanks for letting us know about your experience with Support Services. It sounds as though you have had a very traumatic experience whilst contacting them and we can understand your reluctance to do so again. We also acknowledge that this method of support is not useful for everyone. We're sorry to hear how tense you were feeling this morning and can imagine it would be taking a great toll on your physical and mental wellbeing. Have you heard of suicide safety planning? it might be a useful resource for you on future overwhelming days. To learn more about Sucide Safety planning please read here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning There are also a number of articles on our website you might find some use in. Particularly under the "Staying Well" section: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well We're very glad to have you apart of our community and that you find value in sharing your thoughts here. Please keep checking in with us.

Guest909 · ‎13-11-2020

TBL

I hope you reconsider your options, I really do. You have many unresolved matters that need your attention if justice is to prevail.

If things are as bad as I think they are, I would be the first to seek professional help. The truth is, nobody can help you if you are not prepared to help yourself. I don't mean this as a criticism, but if you given up on yourself, no one can help you. You would know more about this then me; I have no training in this area.

If you feel frustrated, take it out on the furniture. I found walking and exercise help me with my negative thoughts. It's no magic bullet, but it got me through the bad times.

Please stay in touch if you want to talk!

Cheers

Paul

Guest_7403 · ‎13-11-2020

I believe its a bit of both.

I cannot comprehend how someone can say there vows and make all these promises to walk out without ever bringing up any of their apparent issues and no want whatsoever to discuss them to try and salvage the marriage? I cant fix what I dont know?

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised based on the fact she already broke those vows to someone else only 2 years earlier.

The betrayal hurts, as it made me feel worthless, like I wasn't good enough that she needed to pursue someone else, more attractive, not mentally ill etc. Its hurts more that she was openly doing it infront of me but denying it at the same time...

Again I shouldn't be surprised, she was seeing a guy for 8 weeks before me, and I know she cheated on him with me, as she ended it days after we met up outside of work. I didn't think much at the time because it was early in the relationship with him and she said he wasn't good to her.....but here I am 3 yrs later seeing she was pursuing someone before she left me....once a cheater always a cheater?

Im 37 now, more mentally unwell then other with 3 children....one of which im denied access too.

I told her 3 years ago I wasn't well enuff for a relationship with her, didn't want to be married and wasn't ready for another child...she pressed ahead and I feel I was too weak to say no strongly enough.

Just feel like this person robbed me of that opportunity to get my health and life sorted and now its too late, too much damage to try and rebuild a life like this

Guest_7403 · ‎13-11-2020

Certainly don't take it as criticism and its certainly nothing I haven't heard before.

But when you raise weight issues with your psychiatrist 8 weeks earlier, and they respond with "its the lesser of two evils at the moment, we'll deal with it in the future".
To then see that psych again to have them berate you by saying how sick I look, and surely I cant think this looks healthy...and that he's removing me from meds non negotiable and not putting me forward for future programs until I figure out how to get stable on my own before we discuss it again.

To ask this psych for a referral to an eating disorder specialist to be told hes not going to refer because he can't review me in person and won't diagnose over zoom....so go book an appointment with my gp if I want the referral.

It tells me its time to give up, as clearly even the specialists cannot direct me to where I need to go.

Nothing more then a work cover case number to these people

Guest909 · ‎13-11-2020

You raised an interesting point about professionals in general. They all seem to work from the same play book; be they phycologists, lawyers, or real-estate agents.

If you have had dealing with a real-estate agent, they will appraise a property at a certain value. When the property goes on the market, at the appraised value, the vendor is then told they are being unrealistic in their expectations.

Lawyers do the same thing. When you first engage them, they tell you that you have a strong case. A few week later you are told you have a weak case and that you should settle.

My point is, when you take professional advice, expect that advice to change with the wind. The advice is only relevant to the time is was issued. If you disagree with the advice you are given, it's time to look elsewhere.

A real professional will listen to the client, after all, you know your problems better than anyone.

Cheers

Paul

Guest_1643 · ‎13-11-2020

hi B,

maybe once a cheater always a cheater but if its okay for me to say -i think ur being a bit hard on urself to think that it wuld've been possible to know and access that at the beginning. i'm guessing she used manipulation to lead you to belive this time would be different.

It shows weak character in her not you.

I have a lot of disdain for general private psychiatrists and would not see or recommend 95 percent of them who literally profit of people's pain. I do believe there are a small percentage of good ones, those are usually heavily heavily heavily booked out. One I called recently has a waiting list of fourty people.

I have met some good individuals in the public system who surpass private psychs because they work with heart and empathy. Those without empathy are no use to me either and I can fully understand you BL.
was i right in my understanding that you and your wife have one child together and you have two from prior to her?

please correct me if I am wrong. She absolutely should not have been so deceptive about being with another man who you are friends with and she absolutely should not have misled you initially. She sounds narcissistic.

Guest_7403 · ‎13-11-2020

Yeah she hit me with all the cliches you could imagine at the start....

Ive never felt this way about anyone, your my soul mate, it's an instant connection shes never had....all those things that shes apparently never had with anyone before.....probably sounds like a familiar story for most narcisists at the start of a new relationship. So many red flags...just couldn't see the trees through the forest

I think I've mentioned it before, but she had her ex husband falsify there seperation date to marry me sooner then she was allowed too, she even bought her own engagement ring, booked a celebrant and venue on her own as she knew I wouldn't willingly do it....very strange looking back...at the time it was just that I thought she loved me...but that wasn't true...I think she loved how I made her feel...not me.

Yes, I have two daughters from a previous 7 yr relationship. And a 2 year old with my darling wife...I havent seen her for over 6 months.

I came home from hospital, and she let me pick our daughter up, she came over to get her after work...kissing and hugging me
Next day went for a walk together with the munchie, kissing and hugging again...
Day 3....picked her up again from daycare, wife came over after work to get her...kissing and cuddling on the couch again..

Messaged her that night...said I felt good about where we were at and that we could make it work together in time.

A day later I received a msg to say she doesnt want to be with me, there is no trying and to respect her decision....I have never seen my daughter again

2 weeks later ran into the work guy and he told me she'd been messaging him non stop for a few weeks...that's when the penny dropped to what really happened and why she dropped me like she did...

Approached her about shared custody and a week later vicpol served me with an ivo...never heard from her again and have been denied access to my daughter.