ex friends with benefits

[summerhaven06]

I had a friends with benefits with a guy for about three years. I was in love with him and he knew this. I also knew he didn’t love me back but honestly believed he cared a lot about me. We would sleep together a few times a week. We stopped hooking up almost a year ago now as he started dating someone. Since then he had continued to message me, tell me he missed me, wanted to hook up with me etc. I never said any of this to him in return but I did participate in general texts here and there to be nice and I did honestly want to stay friends. When the conversation would turn into something flirty from his end I’d stop messaging and tell him he can’t say those things to me anymore. A few months ago I said to him enough is enough as I have feelings for you. The messages saying he missed me weren’t fair as he knew I still loved him. I said either end things with your girlfriend and we can be friends or you stay with her and never talk to me again as it’s messing with my mental health. He’d cry to me on the phone saying he can’t loose me and that he loves me too and he’d end things with her. I waited a week and he just didn’t end his relationship with her. We cried and yelled to each other on the phone after the week went by. I was a mess, so hurt. I asked him one final time what decision he was going to make and he said he was sorry but can’t end things with her because she’s pregnant. I was beside myself at this point and said I hate him. He then replied “don’t make me kill myself.” I rushed over to his house banged on the door hoping he was alive. He was. We both looked like we’d been crying for days. He stood at the window next to his front door and voiced for me to leave as his girlfriend had just got there. So I left. And haven’t seen or spoken to him since. It’s been a few months now and I have mutual friends with the girlfriend, one being her sister. To my knowledge she isn’t pregnant. I know she could’ve aborted it but I believe she never was as the timeline didn’t add up (he told me he loved me and was ending things with her after he apparently already knew she was pregnant). Apart of me feels like I need to explain this all to the girlfriend. I think about it a lot but have deleted all of our messages so have no proof any of this happened. I think I would want to know if my boyfriend was saying these things to someone I knew he used to regularly hook up with. Please help!

[jessicalou]

Hello Summerhaven,

I am so sorry you have gone through this and it must be really affecting you. He really sounds like he is only thinking of himself in this. It's time to put you and your mental health first now. If I was you, i would switch your focus from him and his girlfriend to YOU!

I would take some time away from the situation as it sounds like a lot of drama and you need to know who YOU are again and start to think about your self worth. You are important, please remember that!

I know how much of a headache boys and men situations can be but please don't ever let anyone take away your happiness from you. You are born to be happy on this earth, don't waste time getting involved in any drama as this will only make things worse.

Please distance yourself from this situation and either he will come to you or he will run to her. DON'T be second best - you are worth so much more. Don't let him treat you like this.

Love can be extremely hard at times but remember this is just ONE guy out of billions and billions in the world.

If it's been a few months and you are still thinking of him i promise you time is a healer and it will get easier for you i promise!

sending socially distanced hugs x

[Croix]

Dear Summerhaven06~

I'd like to join Jessicalou in welcoming you to the Forum. I read though your post wiht a sinking heart as it became clearer what your ex-friend's intentions were.

For you it has been a relationship of love, despite calling it something else, and for him sadly not the case. Sure you would have had good times together but for him it was 'friends with benefits' except for the fact he knew you were in love with him.

I'd be ashamed to do that, it is taking advantage of your love for selfish ends.

It does sound like he has now found someone else and might have liked the best of both worlds, you on a string plus his new girlfriend. When that was no longer possible as you had very sensibly started to distance yourself from him he came up with excuses to end contact, saying his gf was pregnant, and then threatening suicide.

It may even be he was upset at losing you friendship, it is hard to know. What do you think?

You talked of explaining everything to his new gf, may I ask why?

I don't think it realy matters if she is pregnant or not, and you have mentioned nothing further about his suggestion involving suicide although it has been some months. If you think there is a chance there is some truth to him having suicidal thoughts it I'd suggest telling his sister, one of his family or even his new gf as a last resort.

Do you think that might be a practical way of ensuring his safety and reduce any remaining worry you might have abut him? Apart from that do you think saying more would serve any purpose?

I'm afraid you deserve someone better, a true partnership where each loves and looks after the other, not just a one-sided relationship. You have enough love and care inside you for anyone.

It is a very hard time for you, to be lied to, taken advantage of and then left. This can raise all sorts of self-doubts, as well as the greif of parting and loss.

Do you have anyone to support you, a family member or a friend? Not to fix anything in particular but just someone who will listen and let you know they care?

Hard though it may be as you may not feel like it can I suggest to resume your normal social activities, it will distract you and give you a chance to talk with others about other things.

Would that be worth considering?

In the meantime you are always welcome here

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Summerhaven, and a warm welcome.

If this person hasn't been honest with you, then are you able to trust him in the future.

Geoff.