Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Von is lost Scared of relationship
  • replies: 6

I am scared of a potential partner getting to know the ‘real me’ and so I try too hard to be perfect but it creates an awkwardness and distance between us. My anxiety really worsens this, does anyone have any tips on how to let go of that fear and ju... View more

I am scared of a potential partner getting to know the ‘real me’ and so I try too hard to be perfect but it creates an awkwardness and distance between us. My anxiety really worsens this, does anyone have any tips on how to let go of that fear and just show him what I’m really like?

bellaheart BPD is the pits
  • replies: 9

Hi all I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and have had a lot of problems because of that. Primarily my family..who really couldn't care less. I am a single mother to a teenage boy whom I love totally. I also have rescue dogs and cats and the sam... View more

Hi all I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and have had a lot of problems because of that. Primarily my family..who really couldn't care less. I am a single mother to a teenage boy whom I love totally. I also have rescue dogs and cats and the same..I adore them all. However...I have no idea how to conduct a relationship of any kind other than with my two best friends (who have been there for me always) and children and animals. Everyone else...I just don't know how to relate and I don't know if it even matters? I work autonomously but in an environment where I can hear my colleagues...basically bitching and backstabbing and I think "this is why I am lonely" as I don't want anything to do with people like that? The BPD makes me do stupid ridiculous things that I spend hours agonising over after the event. That last awful 'relationship' being typical. I feel so awful and useless I let the scum bags into my life then I get furious for doing so when they inevitably show their true colours and I dump them! I seem to be a magnet for all the scum bags in the world and I am totally sick of it I drink far too much and I hate myself for it . It is my only comfort . I am so sensitive to everything I can't watch the news anymore as it makes me cry. I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do anymore. I am so lonely and every day is just the same...I do everything for my son and hide my drinking from him. I hate myself so much and feel everyone hates me because of my BPD and awful behaviour in the past. What scares me most is that I have been seeing counsellors/psychiatrists/psychologists since I was 14 and that has made no difference.. I am now 51. I have rung lifeline and in fact beyond blue to no avail...the people who answered my calls were not any help to me. The last person I spoke with was absolutely rude and horrendous and I hung up on him. So...there it is. We supposedly have all this support but we don't really. Everyone still thinks anyone with a mental health issue is just seeking attention. The reason I have BPD is because I was neglected and abused as a young child then suffered a major trauma at age 14. I had no parental support whatsoever and I became anorexic over that. I then became an alcoholic! I have 'been' everything and pretty much 'done' everything..it is appalling that I am almost 52 years of age and still like this! I hate it.... thanks for listening BH

TheoWulf I don't know what I can do.
  • replies: 1

Hey guys. I came out to my parents as genderfluid, with preferred pronouns of they/them and a preferred name of Theo, which isn't my birth name. They were... unhappy. Since I came out as gay three years ago, my father has believed I'm not actually ga... View more

Hey guys. I came out to my parents as genderfluid, with preferred pronouns of they/them and a preferred name of Theo, which isn't my birth name. They were... unhappy. Since I came out as gay three years ago, my father has believed I'm not actually gay, and that it's just a phase I'm going through in my journey of growing up. He says I'm not old enough to know yet, but I know that I am. My mother got upset that I didn't want the name she gave me and essentially guilt-tripped me into letting them use my birth pronouns and name. I'm not happy with being forced into a name and gender I don't want, especially when my desired gender and name could change at any moment. What can I do? They try to barge into my personal life so roughly then expect me to open up to them, to the point where I'm snapping and finding myself getting easily angry at them. I just want to know how I can help them understand that there's a certain way I want to be referred to, and that I want to be more of my own person.

101French Encouraging getting help
  • replies: 3

I’ve got a pretty awful story and I am looking for the kindness and help of strangers. My husband and partner in life of 16 years told me three months ago that he doesn’t want a future with me. I’ve been devastated and it’s been the most awful thing ... View more

I’ve got a pretty awful story and I am looking for the kindness and help of strangers. My husband and partner in life of 16 years told me three months ago that he doesn’t want a future with me. I’ve been devastated and it’s been the most awful thing that has ever happened in my life - we are both still pretty young, but I never knew I could feel pain like this. I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20’s. He has been amazing throughout this (up until this last episode where I have relied on the support of my parents rather than him) Four years ago he began seeing a counsellor to help with work stress. I never really got into this counselling with him thinking it was something just for him. He has gone every fortnight for the last four years. I did ask my husband if he could go back to a monthly session or see how it goes, and he said the counsellor told him he doesn’t see anyone on that basis. I thought that was strange but if it was supporting him I was of course supportive, but couldn’t help but be somewhat judgemental that it seemed to be running his life. He has always been pretty social and extroverted, much more than I am. I am in a pretty high pressure job with lots of hours so my time out of the office is regrouping time whereas he loves to go out. We have always balanced each other out. We have tried talking, I would like to reconcile. He says it’s over because he has tried so much and just doesn’t feel anything anymore. When I got him to open up, he said he doesn’t feel much about anything. His old hobbies - he won’t do anything with. He is going out still with his friends at any chance he gets but is drinking a lot - around binge drinking. He is also using recreational drugs. Over the past little while it has felt like I am living with a stranger. He has always been the kindest, warmest, least judgemental person. Now when he talks to me it is laced with resentment and it’s just so flat and with no joy for anything. I want to know how to help him. Not because I am seeking something to blame for the breakdown of our marriage, but because he is not the person I used to know. He also has told me he is not happy and not getting any enjoyment. how do I navigate this, especially knowing he has a long term relationship with a counsellor? I keep thinking if there was something underlying surely this person would have seen it. But then I also think after 16 years no one knows him like I do. Thankyou for reading.

BrokenHearted88 Post partum anxiety?
  • replies: 14

I have a 4 month old beautiful baby boy. He is my everything and I love him more than words can describe. I feel I may be struggling with post partum anxiety though. I can’t bear to be away from him. Even for short periods of time. I’m anxious about ... View more

I have a 4 month old beautiful baby boy. He is my everything and I love him more than words can describe. I feel I may be struggling with post partum anxiety though. I can’t bear to be away from him. Even for short periods of time. I’m anxious about leaving him with my partner incase he misses a nap on schedule. I’m anxious about leaving him with my mother incase she does t do exactly what I do and same goes for my mother in law. These people are amazing, loving, caring people who I should not fear looking after my baby, but I do. he is also exclusively breast fed. I had a lot of trouble breastfeeding in the beginning and got mastitis three times in two weeks. I gave up breastfeeding for a few days, even took a lactation suppressant, then changed my mind and worked really hard to re-lactate. In addition to this I had a really scary accident two weeks ago where I fell down the stairs with my baby. He was completely unharmed but I was bruised all over. i feel that this has contributed to my fear of being away from him. My mum doesn’t help things. She makes me feel like a bad person for not giving her my baby to look after yet, but she doesn’t really offer much support. She expects me to drop him at her house (1.5 hour drive away) and I’m not sure where I go while she looks after him? Nowhere is open....my mother suffers from her own mental illness and takes things very personally even when they aren’t about her. There is no reasoning with her when she feels like this. do I need to seek further help? Or am I just behaving in a normal way for a first time mum in a pandemic?

Srfr Contracting, working with person high demands, no empathy
  • replies: 5

Frustrated with “boss” who squeezes the life out of me work wise i.e. gets as much out of me as she can. I comply then am gobsmacked when she nit picks everything I do. Tried boundaries mentioning I need autonomy, however this has fell on deaf ears. ... View more

Frustrated with “boss” who squeezes the life out of me work wise i.e. gets as much out of me as she can. I comply then am gobsmacked when she nit picks everything I do. Tried boundaries mentioning I need autonomy, however this has fell on deaf ears. Charming personality, but I feel depressed every time I think about going there. Need the money - only reason for staying - feel humiliated as the work is menial. Hardworking work ethic mistaken for stupidity? Any advice? About to cancel the work..

Novocastrian My friends don't reach out to me, ever. When I reach out, they're willing to catch up, be friendly and all that. Why don't any of my friends want me?
  • replies: 10

I'm an emotional guy (26M), which most interpret as needy or just plain weird, but I know that I need close relationships to survive. I've been dealing with depression since I was 14 and suicidal thoughts since I was 16, and the only thing that got m... View more

I'm an emotional guy (26M), which most interpret as needy or just plain weird, but I know that I need close relationships to survive. I've been dealing with depression since I was 14 and suicidal thoughts since I was 16, and the only thing that got me through the suicide attempts was decent counselling and close friends. Most of my friends have moved away and don't even have the initiative to call or text to catch up, but when I miss them enough to reach out (every month or so), they're readily available to play online games together and catch up. Why don't any of my friends take initiative to reach out to me? Being the only one to organise events makes me feel abandoned and that they're only tolerating my calls/texts/gaming catchup sessions out of obligation, or that I'm some sort of charity case to them. How do I live with this?

theotheraether Ruining my marriage
  • replies: 7

I have been married for just over a year. I met my wife 5 1/2 years ago and I love her immensely. However, the start of our relationship was very rocky. I was not in a good place, mentally, with a lot of anxiety, trust issues and depression. In the f... View more

I have been married for just over a year. I met my wife 5 1/2 years ago and I love her immensely. However, the start of our relationship was very rocky. I was not in a good place, mentally, with a lot of anxiety, trust issues and depression. In the first year I turned 40, and was made redundant from a business I'd helped build with two "friends" and this spiralled into us splitting up. I abandoned her and we were apart for 4 months. During that time, I descended even further, feeling paranoid and isolating myself. We reconciled and seemed to be going well until the following year, when we split again for couple of months. We got back together, I started therapy and I felt like we moved forward. However the undercurrent of hurt that I've caused in our relationship is still present to this day. Compounding this is my selfishness. She's rightly pointed out that instead of acknowledging the hurt I've caused her in the past, I avoid it to protect myself. I'm ashamed of the times I abandoned her, of the arguments we had, and I'm always terrified that bringing up the past will open those wounds, hurting her all over again, and reminding her of the selfish jerk she's with. My fear of this - and protecting myself from it - has meant I tiptoe around these things, especially reminders of what happened. She's asked me before to be bolder and approach her to address them, but then we fall into a happy period and I fear rocking the boat. So today, after another anniversary of a painful day, she said she wants a divorce. I don't blame her. By avoiding hurt, I'm still hurting her but despite being desperate to change for her and be a better partner, I feel like I'm incapable of becoming less protective of myself - being vulnerable and less selfish. As I don't have any friends to bounce this off, and my wife doesn't want to talk with me right now, I'm looking for a bit of perspective. Can I change - maybe through more therapy - to be the partner she needs or is there something fundamental missing in me? Therapy hasn't been helpful in the past, so I feel like this is insurmountable. Can I change and turn this all around?

Kaseyg1234 Relationship anxiety when boyfriend is away
  • replies: 3

Hi, I’m looking for ways to cope with relationship anxiety when it comes to males going out/on boys trips. I totally know in my head that everything will be fine leading up to the days and then when it’s time for him to actually be away I just overth... View more

Hi, I’m looking for ways to cope with relationship anxiety when it comes to males going out/on boys trips. I totally know in my head that everything will be fine leading up to the days and then when it’s time for him to actually be away I just overthink everything and my anxiety turns into anger and I don’t understand why I keep doing this. I want to be the girlfriend that is ok with him going away and doing things without me I just cant seem to do it. Has anyone got any suggestions on how I can help ease my anxiety and get through this week without turning into a crazy girlfriend.

jpcam Am I being paranoid. is this a healthy relationship
  • replies: 1

I’ve been a bit more down lately and sensitive. maybe because im hormonal at the moment. i have always been so forgetful and i never intend to not do things to hurt people. i usualy forget where i put my glasses or phone after a few seconds of puttin... View more

I’ve been a bit more down lately and sensitive. maybe because im hormonal at the moment. i have always been so forgetful and i never intend to not do things to hurt people. i usualy forget where i put my glasses or phone after a few seconds of putting it down. ive had really rough relationships in the past where i couldnt voice out my thought or actions or do anything i wanted ot thought was right. now i have this great partner who is good around the house and very good with my kid and always always. Who always wants the best for our future. he is like the househusband and i appreciate him for that, people usually tell me why is he acting more like the wife. But because he was raised a certain way around the house, Whenever i forget something he says ‘i should be more like this or that’ ‘i wish you where this or that’. but i told him how that made me feel worse and maybe help me or tell me in a not condescending manner and so he eventually stopped those words. i think now that he is fed up with me being so emotional all the time and picking up after a few of my shortcomings. he has started to just not care and leave cupboards open all the time (literally al. The drawers and doors open at the same time) (not even i would do that because those are so noticable), shoes out in the way on the floor, dirty clothes hanging around EVERYDAY now. to be honest those were things i would do just once in a while. I would never do things intentionally because i feel so bad whenever someone calls me out on it and i do fix it right away. now i just feel hurt because i know for a fact that he would never just forget to do those things properly. And whats hurts most is that he is intentionally doing that to make a point and get back at me. i might just be paranoid. why is he doing that to me. it hurts because i would never intentionally forget to do things like he is doing now. it hurts because, i feel like is that what he feels. Even though i explained to him i forget because i forget not because i want to piss him off by doing things a certain way. i try not to forget and even after all the other good things i do. One little mistake i do feels he makes me feel like ive never done anything right.