IN USA ATM there's many movements that claim adult children (AC) are cutting off their parents (that are often grandparents) as a epidemic i.e its now often a first reaction to a dispute or even no dispute. There isnt a clear answer why this is happening but clearly communication has broken down.
There is certainly a case or "prevention is better than cure". So this post is in two parts 1. prevention 2. remedy.
Prevention.
- Look for signs. Are your children stressed? Both working, juggling kids, child care, financial stress, marriage tension. Such signs can grow triggers that normally wont be there that can lead to over reactions. Their actions under stress is to remove one of the causes.
- Some parents dont identify their AC as full grown adults. Instead of a calm support with wise experience conveyed to them there is a contrast if the parent is seen as an authority, an insistent advisor and addresses their AC in the same manner and tone as they did when their child was a teenager. The few short years between then and mid 20's to you is a gulf to them, a teen they left behind many years ago.
- Be wary of how deeply you are in their lives. Quality is better than quantity. A parent spending hours every week in their kids home might seem all is happy but they could hide their frustration and how hard is it for them to ask you to limit your presence?
- Know your boundaries. My sister and her husband were only 19yo when they came to live with my parents after marriage. Every time the couple argued my mother yelled out "what's going on". A clear breach of her role and should never interfered. Old enough for marriage, old enough to sort it out themselves. Constant cups ot tea with her daughter my mother kept her away from her husband. After 2 years they left and cut contact. It is clear what happened but (interesting) my mother kept saying "look what I did for them, I supported her and raised her"
Remedy.
- If you are already estranged, get counselling even if you feel you've done nothing wrong. It doesnt hurt. It might give you an insight into how best to cope in the least.
- Find hobbies, interests and fill in your days.
- Refrain from many texts or calls. Its when they are ready that is the key. A xmas card with a little love is good, a birthday card the same- no more.
- In long term situations love those that love you. Spread your love maybe a foster child or any child. I adopted an older lady as my mother for example.
Open for discussion
"One cant underestimate the pain ...)
TonyWK
