Emotionally unavailable boyfriend

[persimmon]

Hello everyone. I think I just need a rant.

My boyfriend and I met in March 2024 in Europe. He was from Melbourne and I was from QLD. We did long distance for 2 years, and in March this year I moved to Melbourne to be with him finally. I was so excited to finally start my life with him.

I have had pretty severe mental struggles throughout our relationship, which causes extreme love/hate mood swings towards him. For this reason I have tried to work through my feelings towards him and stay pretty positive.

We had a talk the other day, and he said he doesn't think he knows what love is. He's also completely emotionally unavailable. I asked him what he loves about me, and he says that he likes that I go to the shop and do the grocery shopping because he hates it. And he likes that I cook dinner. I said 'no, what do you love, not like' and that's when he said he doesn't know what love is. He said 'do you want me to say I love your smile or something', as a joke. And maybe I did want him to say he loved my smile. Maybe I wanted him to tell me he loved me for my personality. Or for my eyes. Or for my laugh. I don't want to hear him say he likes that I cook dinner and go grocery shopping. Because those are things that I constantly ask him to come with me to do.

He's not going to change. I know, because I asked. 'What would it take for you to WANT to do more. To feel emotions or to feel love' and he said a near death experience. I asked what would happen if we broke up and he said 'these things happen all the time. I'd just keep doing my thing'.

I think I need to break up with him. But I moved my whole life, and I'm also struggling through a 'crisis' according to the hospital. But I don't think he will ever change or be able to love me the way I know I deserve.

He's not unkind. He gives me hugs and kisses. We get along really well. But I need someone emotionally available.

I want someone to show me they love me. To fight for me. To come grocery shopping with me and to make dinner with me. I do love my boyfriend. I love that he feels comfortable. But comfortable is a problem sometimes.

Sorry if that didn't make sense, but that's my rant.

[randomxx]

Hi there op and l'm sorry about the situation. When you say love hate, is that toward him , like do you show that toward him , get nasty?

Another thing on that is that is can be a strong BPD trait , or for you is it just about him ?

At any rate, really sorry to say but he sure doesn't sound like he's feeling love and he'd also know what that felt like if he feels it.

And so you've only been living together a few mths to then right ?  On that one , maybe it's worth giving it longer first, v hard to say from not being able to see him with you. But if you've known ea other all this time and then later living together now, even if not for that long, all up , he should be feeling it that's for sure.

Mind you, things can also be a bit weird for the first 3-4mths when you do start living together so there is that too but whether it's that effecting him, no idea that's just a side thought but it did effect me into actually pulling back, blocking feelings. l didn't trust it, didn't quite trust us - her.

l'd be thinking give it a bit longer, few more mths, and if he hasn't changed maybe go home if you can for a visit, few wks if poss, see how he feels while your gone and take it from there.

Good luck anyway, hopefully others here will also have some thoughts and suggestions too.

rx