Do i give her another chance?

[Toretto]

Hi, i've been with my wife for just over 19 years and we 5 beautiful kids together. About 5 years ago i found out that she was having an affair so we separated and i moved out. We got back together after a month. She started a new job which i thought would be a great help for our family as we could do with the extra money.

In february this year i started noticing that she was acting really weird, very distant, wasn't eating much, lost weight, started wearing sexy underwear to work, always had her phone with her and always on silent, wouldn't come home after work, left really early for work, hadn't had sex in over 3 weeks, etc. She's always on facebook, posting photos (some a bit revealing) and getting a lot of messages. I questioned her about all this and i was told that there wasn't anything going on and that there wasn't anyone else. (She even swore on our kids lives). I did notice that one bloke she works with kept on liking nearly everything she was uploading.....

On Wednesday she came home from work and told me that it was over between us and there was no chance of us getting back together, she had fallen out of love with me and didn't want to work it out or go to counselling. I was an absolute mess, my whole world was shattered. i was in a very bad way for the next few days.

On Friday (2 days later) when she had just finished work and was supposed to go home a friend of mine seen her car and another car parked side by side in a car park hidden away from any main road. My friend described the other car and wrote down the plate. He then seen my wife and some bloke from her work get out of the back seat of his car then opened his boot and took his baby seat out and put it back inside his car. My friend called me and told me what he had just seen. Next thing you know my wife calls me and tells me that she was there thinking about our relationship and mentioned that she had seen my friend.

On Monday she messages me and says that she wants us to work it out and get our relationship back where it used to be.

On Tuesday (the very next day) she called me and said she was on her way home but I found her with the same guy in a different car park in the back seat of his car...They weren't doing anything only talking at this point. I found out later that they were sending nudes to eachother and meeting up. I find it hard to believe that they would only meet up to talk as she said to me.

Do I give her another chance for the sake of our family or walk away...

[geoff]

Hello Toretto, I kept reading your comment between you and Croix and much has been said and many thanks to Croix for doing this.

There's not much point in arguing simply because no one will win, not unless one of you are able to accept what's been said, under these circumstances as the trust has been broken, your view on the situation will be different.

Where she is working with her friend, that's going to make you anxious and what she says to you are you able to believe her, you want to, but these thoughts keep nagging you.

Your relationship with her will be totally different if something minor occurs then this could set your mind thinking.

If she wanders again will you take her back, that's the question you have asked yourself, perhaps these could be your negative thoughts and hearing from your friend or someone else would help you.

My Best.

Geoff.

[Toretto]

Thank you Croix and Geoff. It's been a tough long weekend to say the least, i've been up and down so much.

I asked her if she wanted to work it out and she said yes she does but at the moment she doesn't have any feelings for me, she feels numb and theres no spark there and she doesn't get excited to see me. But we are still having sex at least twice a week and she said that she likes that time we are together. I'm so confused at what i should do.

I think it might be better for me to give her some distance but i'm scared that if i do i may lose her.

I've stopped arguing and bringing up whats happened to try and move on but it's a slow painful process. I've also seen my doctor and he's given me some anti depressants and a mental health plan.

I really think that she doesn't know what she wants at the moment and she may be confused, guilty or thinks the grass will be greener on the other side.

At the moment we are both going to couples counselling and she is seeing her own counsellor. I've got my own counselling booked in on the 20th as thats the earliest booking they had.

[Croix]

Dear Toretto~

It is a horrible time for you and the ups and downs are sadly to be expected. I'm not sure there is much more you can do than you are doing.

If you don't mind be saying so it takes two for the relationship to work.So with the distance I guess you could ask her what she thinks. Giving her distance will not make you lose her if she wants to be with you. I'm sure she know you want it to work.

I think it is really good you are both in counseling, particularly for her to do so.

Croix

[Noideaatall]

As with the other men here I say she has knowingly been getting away with it for far too long. Put the shoe on the other foot for arguments sake and I could almost garauntee she would have fled with the kids a long time ago and hung around for a payout.

[geoff]

Hi Toretto, it's good that the two of you are having counselling, and somehow what you are really missing is a spark in the relationship.

For her to connect with you only twice a week is really difficult because the rest of the week is long and confusing for both of you.

Maybe the test could be is to give her some distance and see how she goes, because she has to make a decision.

I tend to agree with Noideaatall.

Geoff.

[Toretto]

Thanks for the replies. I definitely agree with Noideaatal, if it was me i'd definitely be out the door.

On saturday i spent most of the day away with our daughter and gave her some distance and that has seemed to help. She was contacting me like normal and we actually had a good weekend, so fingers crossed this keeps up.

We are definitely missing the spark in our relationship and we really need that back. I'm unsure how i can get it back but i was thinking of booking a couple of nights away just the two of us. I was told that hydro majestic in the blue mountains was a nice place to go but If anyone knows any other place please let me know. (We are from south of Sydney and don't want to travel to far though)

Thank you all for your help.

[Toretto]

Over this whole thing she is still very cold and has no emotions and has no love for me at all. I really don't know what to do but I still love her so much.

She tells me that she feels numb and doesn't know what she wants. I asked her if what she wants is to separate and divorce and she said that she doesn't know. She is seeing a counsellor but has only been twice.

Please help me as i don't know what to do

[Croix]

Dear Toretto~

If I may be frank I have the feeling that your wanting so badly for things to get back to how they were - or at least close to it - may be stopping you from taking a dispassionate view of the whole thing.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding however looking in from the outside it would appear to me your wife does not share the same overwhelming desire to get back on good relations with you but seems instead to simply letting things drift on.

Saying she does not know what she wants is not the same as loving you. Do you think the time has come for distance? Perhaps if she is bought face to face with your absence it might make her realize more about herself.

If not you will probably end up knowing how things really are. I'd agree this might be a frightening prospect and even temporary separation hard to do as a result.

It is a truly horrible time for you, and not one of your making.

Croix