Deciding to Seperate

[JMZ]

Hi, Im 40, been married for 14 years and have 2 children. My relationship with my husband has never been real good. We have had many ups and downs. There has been abuse (both kinds) and I have repeatedly forgiven him. We have been in and out of therapy which only helps for a while until there is a breakdown again. There are so many problems I don't know where to begin. We both have NO family support at all which is the main reason why it has been so hard to leave. I have no one to turn to. I have almost left 3 times but when it come to the crunch I stayed, too scared to be alone and have a lonely life for my children. I used to talk to my friends but they all back away so I cant talk to them at all, or they tell me to just leave.

I have some money but at the moment my husband is unemployed, he is not motivated to look for work and not motivated in much really. I feel like I am failing my children by staying with him. He does not treat them well at times either. Then other times he can be amazing with them.

I have low grade depression and anxiety. My grandfather, uncle and brother all committing suicide. My husbands family hate me and they say I am the cause for them not speaking to us.  I feel like I want to be happy and I want my children to have a happier life without the arguments between parents. We have tried and tried to make it work but always after a few months there is another argument/incident.

 I know I need to find a house but how does one go about leaving? What if I do it and the regret it?  What if my children are worse off? Lots if what ifs!  Not sure who to turn to or where to go for advice but feeling over it all and depressed with no self esteem.

[white knight]

Hi Jazzmazz  welcome

I'm torn with my answer. I think I'd need to know you both. I think I'd want to know how bad the abuse is and how he feels, eg what he terms as abuse or maybe triggers he gets from his side.

So in the end its your call. I presume the children will stay with you? So why dont you discuss with him that he leaves and finds cheaper accommodation for him alone but large enough so the kids can stay with him on visits.?

With no tendency to put any pressure on your kids, if they are mistreated at all they can make their own decision to visit him or not. I'd suggest though that once separation has been carried out your husband will treat the kids well - why? Because the stress that is present in your home currently wont be there. The first few weeks will be a transition period then once settled he should be better then.

It wont be easy for him either. If he moves he will- lose his full time fatherhood (I did), lose his neighbours, his dog or cat, his home etc etc. It is a really hard thing to swallow. So expect sadness from him in his communication for some time. Dont be harsh but keep your distance. Praise him for any fatherly action he does that you like. Try to continue as a team with the childrens activities and parent teacher nights etc.

If you leave then you'll need to find a rental property, furniture etc. You can divide some furniture. If you are 100% sure of your action to separate then give him time to adjust. This is what I had to do. But there is no easy method without a lot of trauma the kids could be subjected to. This is why this post is difficult to help you with.

The best thing I can advise you with is to take about a week of informing him you intend to leave. During that period you can ask him if the separation goes ahead if he'll let you and the kids stay and he seek a house himself etc If there is no progress after that time rent a home yourself and move out when he is not there. This will not be cowardice as you have told him of your intentions. And your primary reasons for moving when he is absent is that you dont want the kids traumatised and you dont want conflict. Due to past track records conflict is highly likely.

Try to treat him with dignity. Honour his fatherhood. Be fair and kind.

Tony WK

[JMZ]

Thankyou for the reply. Good advice. We have spoken about him leaving and he refuses saying I want out I go, fair enough but yes there are 2 children involved and yes they would come with me. I am pretty sure once we are apart there will be no going back this time but it is just the initial move that is highly emotional.

He does a lot of pushing & shoving and emotional abuse. He has done one too many things in the past 2 years. Last year he had to take me to Emergency after a fight, our kids came with. I don't want them subject to this kind of life and think it is ok. I should have more strength to go. I am getting there but hard with no support.

[white knight]

Hi JMZ,

emotional abuse, is just as bad as pushing and shoving. And with pushing and shoving my guess is that will lead to worse physical strength.

Gather your strength and do it. If you have made your decision then go.

Yes, family support isnt there. Thats life, thats the way it is.

You will succeed. You'll be ok

Tony WK

[JMZ]

Thank you. I have no idea how my life got to be like this.

[geoff]

dear JMZ, the situation you are in is difficult for us to summarise, and I totally regard Tony's word what he himself had to go through and can not deny what he has said.

There is always a big problem here is that you leave, he makes up, then you leave again and again he makes up, so this is where you have to make a final decision, and for him to abuse you and maybe the kids is a big no-no, it's no different than someone having an affair 'once bitten twice shy'.

It doesn't mean any gospel truth what ever he says that he will change, and I'm saying this because you have written this comment and posted it to us, because if his routine has always been the same, there is buckles change he will make that effort and change.

Tony has given you some information so I'm not going to reiterate what he has said.

There are places for special accommodation where the council should know or as I always do is to suggest seeing Anglicare who can definitely help you, but from you have said 'it's time to leave him', final decision, no if's no buts, and procrastinating won't help either. L Geoff. x

[July]

Hi JMZ,

First off I would say no abuse should be tolerated at all, not toward you and especially your children.

I would think after therapy and the few reconciliations things have not improved, it is time to make a decision, don't waste your time and love, it is hard to move on but your children will suffer watching and listening to this, they will be better off having two separate happy households than one destructive one.

You will both be able to move forward and create different and happy lives, and to co- parent together, sometimes people are just not meant to be together for what ever reasons, but above all be   honest with your husband and talk about what would be best for the "both" of you.

Make a plan together about whats going to happen and make sure the children always have their dad in their lives and involve him in their day to day activities, don't ever talk bad about their father no matter what has happened in the past, if the kids live with you, you must nurture the relationship with their dad.

Children have a way of blaming themselves if their parents separate, so you both have a responsibility to make  the kids feel secure in knowing they will always have mum and dad, because they love both of you, and if you belittle the other parent, you are doing the same  to the child.

You may reconcile in the future, who knows but don't make a decision based on guilt or fear, but trust in that you will make it through this, like so many people before you, and your kids will thank you for it.

Take your time and consider your options, good luck, maybe try centrelink or a local community group for some information.

Take care,

 July