Mum very sick in hospital - feeling confused.
My mum, who I have never had a good relationship with is currently in the intensive care unit. I've never had a very good relationship with her with issues surrounding, domestic violence, abuse and neglect. So obviously our relationship is quite bad. Despite her ability to manipulate me into her abusive behaviour, we're still in contact, no matter how hard I try to get away she won't leave. Mum is a heavy drug user and always has been. I've never gotten along with her so having her in hospital is so confusing to me. Nobody wants to see their mother in hospital but look at what she's done to me! This same thing happened with my Dad last year, he died. Such a confusing time. It's like being in two worlds, you want to cry because your parent is in hospital fighting for their life, but you sort of want to cheer because your free from the pain they caused you. I sound like a horrible person but you have to be in this position to know what I mean by cheer and the relief you feel.
I can't directly relate to what you're going through and experiencing, but I know it must be emotionally confusing and overwhelming. You are not a bad person for feeling relieved that your Mum can't hurt you or manipulate you now. The fact that you've posted on this site and worry about feeling some form of relief over your Mum's situation shows that you are a caring person, but that your history and situation makes being there for your Mum complicated.
Perhaps visit your Mum with a close friend, if you feel it's appropriate and would help ease the tension. I feel as though caring people tend to regret the things they don't do rather than the things they do. Do you have siblings? If so, stick together and help each other through this.
Take care, and I hope things work out for you.