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Dealing with confused relationship feelings. 

KFPDW
Community Member

Quick sidenote: Before I begin on here, I accidentally tried to post this on the sexuality/gender identity form. So I decided to it on here because it fits better.

Hey, it's been a while since I posted on beyond blue. So here I am once again dealing with confusing feelings and emotions and venting them out on here. I'm trying to deal with my sexual side I know it's a part of life and these feelings are very overwhelming and it's hard to try and processing them. I guess I desire to be with a girl, In a proper relationship initimacy. But there isn't anyone in my life I feel I can build that sort of connection with. It's not easy trying to process these feelings. But I do my best.

Lately, I've been trying this dating app call hinge which I was recommended to by a friend. And I've been trying to reach out to certain girls that I think I'm likely to connect  with. But no such luck yet, no replies and no one reaching out. There are some girls whose profiles catch me by surprise about how sensual they try to appear. More power to them for being brave in expressing themselves how they want! But when I'm in this state of mind. I am  still trying to sort out these feelings as a whole. It can trigger some overwhelming reactions. 

I know I'm attracted to a certain type physically but there's more to it than that. I want to be able to be with someone emotionally as well as physically. To be like best buds but something more can come out of it which hopefully is a relationship. I don't want to just go out with someone just based purely on their looks or because I'm attracted to them alone. I wanted to be more than that.

Because I'm very much a kid at heart who likes animation, film, video games, skateboarding and I don't drink alcohol or go to bars and I don't swear. So it's not just if I'm into someone but if that person would be into me and accept me for who I am.

So yeah, that's about the size of it. If anyone has any thoughts or advice help me, I would really appreciate it.

8 Replies 8

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear KFPDW~

I guess you keep on trying. finding someone when you are looking for a serious relationship, not just looks, is never easy, and sadly with Covid all around I suspect it has gotten harder, many people are more cautious, and a fair few have less money.

I did look up Hinge, which CNET lists as the best site for 'serious relationships' so I would think you are on the right track in choosing them (this is not a personal endorsement, I know little about dating sites).

There are plenty of people who would only consider a relationship with a view to it becoming serious, and who look beyond looks. the hard part is meeting them. I met my partner though an newspaper ad (which rather dates me:) and corresponded for a while before meeting, no photos involved.

Nothing to stop you talking about aspects of your interests if you do not do so already. Someone who is enthusiastic about something and will talk about it can be an attraction.

If you have people and activities in your life then please don't forget there may be as much potential there as on-line.

I wish you success

Croix

KFPDW
Community Member
Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you were able to find a partner yourself. I'll take your advice onboard and keep trying. 🙂 It helps to vent out and talk about this stuff.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi KFPDW,

You are interested in having a fulfilling and committed relationship by the sounds of things, and that is downright appealing to a lot of women. You don’t mention how old you are, however, that may be partially why you are experiencing problems. A lot of young people in their 20s and 30s are more interested in a physical relationship. And I would hazard a guess that may be particularly true on dating apps, where its a bit of a meat market so to speak. But there are plenty of us out there who want/need emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, myself included. Someone who I can have in-depth conversations with well into the night, watch a movie curled up on the couch together, or spend a Sunday going for a walk in the sunshine. A best friend. We all want that eventually but some just prefer to not go there until they are ready to settle down. But physical intimacy without emotional intimacy seems so empty to me. There are plenty of us out there who feel this way, just as there are plenty out there who are only interested in the physical, you just need to be discerning in that respect. Hinge can help you with assessing people’s intentions, you can probably rule out the overly sensual ones etc. I’m not sure whether you can add a bio but it might be helpful to state what you would like too. I remember a line once from someone that said “call me when love comes back in fashion” and I kind of liked that. This was a problem I faced when I was dating too, you just need to sift through the unsuitable ones to find the diamond and it can be hard to see as not everyone makes their intentions clear and not everyone tells the truth, which is why you are so refreshing. I can tell, you have a lot to offer someone, and if I can tell from a post then some lucky girl will surely see the same 🙂

KFPDW
Community Member

Hey thanks for replying to my post and for your kind words. Sorry for the delayed response, I had a lot going on yesterday. What you say makes sense. If I can meet people or a possible connection to go out with a girl in person I would prefer that to do that. Hinge is just another of a growing list of options to try and build connections with other people getting out of lockdown. So I'm not solely relying on that app.

What isn't helping at the moment is that I have a lot of intrusive thoughts happening in my head. My fear of being letdown by those close to me, annoyance because a lot of things have been hard for me while other people seem to have it easy (which may not be the case for other people but it does look that way at the moment) and the desire to be close to someone and intimate. These feelings are within my and my head spews the most awful thoughts like being rude to people and swearing and if a possible connection with someone in a close way comes up.. I NEVER EVER act on them and I know they are not in my nature whatsoever. If I do anything wrong, I panic and do whatever I can to fix it. That's how I am. But I think because I'm aware that these things do happen in the world, maybe that's why they pop into my head. Like don't think of something like a Banana and you automatically think of it. I don't know. Hence why Confusing is in the title of this post because that's what's happening right now. I getting so many conflicting emotions and thoughts it's doing my head in! Am I a bad person for having these thoughts come up even though I would never act upon them?

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear KFPDW~

Of course you are not a bad person for having these thoughts, thay do not reflect your nature, which comes over as a sensible and caring one. They can be very upsetting due to their content and unfortunately make one question oneself - plus they get in the way of more positive thoughts and feelings.

A lot of people have intrusive thoughts, and the most common action to take is to seek medical help with them. So can I suggest you contact your GP in an extended session and talk about this. I'd also suggest you do not hold back but highlight particularly the ones that worry you.

If you think it might simply be too hard or embarrassing to voice all this in a consultation maybe you might do as I have done on some occasions and write everything down first, taking a few days to get it complete and as you want it, then hand it over at the start of the session

That way nothing gets missed out in the heat the moment, there is no way one can 'chicken out' on the harder bits if they are down already, and I've found it very much easier. I've just ended up answering questions rather than trying to explain from scratch.

If you wanted to see what other people have experienced try Googling the phrase

"intrusive thoughts " beyondblue forum

Which will get at least a few of the many posts.

I hope this helps, it is a very worrying experience but I'm sure things can be a lot better for you, please do say what you think

Croix

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi KFPDW,

I wholeheartedly agree with Croix that these intrusive thoughts don’t mean you are a bad person. But they can be unpleasant to deal with, and more than likely suggest that you are suffering with anxieties. I have intrusive thoughts for what it’s worth and I say awful things to myself. You just have to learn how to manage them and reframe them, and a medical professional or psychologist can help you with that. But it might me worthwhile seeing someone about that issue first as relationships can exacerbate intrusive thoughts.
I’m glad to hear you have a number of avenues you can explore. I play netball in a mixed competition and always thought that would be a great way for a guy to meet someone as it’s mostly a female sport (although plenty of males play), you are in a team so get to know everyone well, and can keep changing teams until you find someone you like! Other team-based sports and hobbies are always good too.

KFPDW
Community Member
Hey sorry for the delayed reply. I have been flat out busy with Uni but now I have the time I need to respond properly. Glad to hear that I'm not a bad person, thanks for saying that. I have taken your advice and got in contact with the GP and have a appointment setup for next week. I don't want to hold back, there would have been a time I would have because I was so nervous but I have opened the flood gates recently and now I hold nothing back. I'm willing to do all the hard work I need to get better so I'm taking the advice you are saying onboard and running with it. Thanks so much for going to the trouble to respond to my post. It is a worrying experience and the content of the thoughts are really upsetting so I'm willing to do what I can to get better so it stops happening so regularly.

KFPDW
Community Member
Hi Thank you for responding to my post as well. Yeah I am dealing with anxiety. You hit the nail right on the head. I'm taking Croix's Advice and getting some help while I can. I can agree that being in a relationship would exacerbate the intrusive thoughts more which since I'm still single at the moment, now is a good time as any to jump onto it and get it all sorted. Sorry to hear you have been struggling too with the intrusive thoughts. That sucks. 😞 I hope you are able to sort through them as well. It helps to know I'm not the only one who goes through this. I'm planning on trying to look at different avenues when I get the chance where my Uni work is all sorted and balance. I hope to get back out there and meet new people and forge new friendships and relationships soon as I can. Thanks for the advice and I will give it a go.