Daughter has cut me off completely from grandkids

[Anita-K]

A few weeks ago, completely unexpectedly as we had a normal mother daughter relationship, my daughter sent me an email asking me to never contact her ever again. And I cannot have any contact with my gorgeous grandkids ever again-not even video chats! The way the email was written, it was by my daughter but as if she had morphed into a totally different personality! I am heartbroken at the ending of our hitherto fine relationship, but most shattered at no more contact ever with granddaughter 6 or grandson 4-these kids love me so much and I love them so much! Their mum is a single mum. I think the COVID lockdown restrictions on her have given her a mental health breakdown. But she did three years ago suddenly separate and then divorce her very loving kind husband, for no reason anyone could see so this "deletion" of people from her life is not new- I just never could have foreseen that she would do this to her own mother! I have supported her through so much heavy stuff in her life including after being in a domestically violent relationship. I drove all night 600 kms interstate, picked her and her stuff up and then drove straight back 600 kms- the whole round trip in 24 hours! I attended the local police precinct with her, then attended the court case for a restraining order for her. Then she stayed at my place as an adult, for years. We went on very long daily walks together. Also I dropped everything three times in 2018, to take her to hospital when she had life threatening auto immune collapses. I have babysat the eldest child, then just 1, for a full day, in the first year after my daughter returned to work. The kids so love coming to my place to see me! I am feeling so depressed and preoccupied with this issue. I feel so helpless as she says she has me on "block" now and threatens an intervention order if I try to contact in any way. The grandkids will wonder why Grandma does not want contact with them anymore! I am distraught!

[Anita-K]

My heart is breaking that my gorgeous young grandkids may never see me again! They just will not understand and they will feel so sad! Please can you add to the prayers and reiki that I am sending, asking for a miracle to somehow occur so I can see them again before they are all grown up! I love them so much! They do not deserve to be torn away from me!

I cannot stop thinking of them and I cry- they are so sweet and innocent. It's all I can think about!

A miracle is needed! Dear Lord please grant me this miracle somehow.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I must say that HEARTCENTRES first post was a beauty, please read that one again Anita.

I do feel you need to calm down. Your posts are full of anxiety and although quite justified- it is detrimental to your well being. In fact it is a sign of panicking and that won’t serve you well.

Heartcentre said “I have learned through my own experiences with avoidant personalities is that all I can do is re-assure them that I am always there for them, be patient, stable, understanding, resilient, compassionate and continue to believe in love.

That could be your aim. And a plan for your future is important. I want to say that your whole life seems to have included your daughter and grandchildren, while that is honourable it is also too focussed. Close friends, sports eg bowls, travel etc. a life beyond them would have been better.

I hope you utilise the next few months as a time to gather yourself with relaxation and other ways to calm down.

I also have lost a daughter to her antics.

Effectively there is near zero you can do, so worrying won’t help. Practical ideas is moving forward

Use search to find this thread

worry worry worry

regards

TonyWK

[Anita-K]

Hi White Knight - I have three other children so she was not my whole life. But the other two lots of grandkids are in Canberra/NSW so I rarely see them. I have a chronically ill adult son here and I see him weekly. How can I be there for my daughter when she has me on block on phone and email and said not to send any mail? She will not see me in person. Under these conditions, how can I "be there" for her? I was being there for her and checking on her and this is the response I got! I am sending love to the grandkids but how will they (6 and 4) be aware of that? I am retired so I have no future plan. I do have friends but not able to see them currently. I do not want to go through the rest of my life not seeing the grandkids. How am I panicking? This is what my daughter said- re the grandkids - "never again". I am in the early grief denial/anger stage so hard for me to move on just yet.

[Samvv]

Hey Anita-K

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, you really seem like a great grandmother and confused about what's happening.

I'm actually in your daughter's position right now except my first us on the way. My mother didn't help me escape my ex and doesn't understand the ongoing consequences I have faced nor the stress of it, I wish I had anymore understanding mother like you.

All I can say is she's been through a lot by the sound of things and really needs time to find her own footing in life and with her children.

Maybe take some time to examine some strategies when she lets you back in, she probably will.

[white knight]

Hi again

Your first post didn’t include a lot of other information that you’ve now included like your chronically ill son and other grandkids. This changes things.

How close are you emotionally to your other grandkids? If close would you move to Canberra?

See grandparents have no rights and grandparents are not the parents of their grandchildren, often they can intrude and not realise it. Your daughter is the parent so she can remove you from her and her children’s lives- just a fact.

As for her previous marriage I would never judge someone else’s marriage eg “..divorced her very kind and loving husband for no reason anyone could see” - is this, or other reasons why she has fled? I ask this purely because it is unusual for zero reasons she has removed you. Very unusual but possible.

Would it be worth writing a nice letter just asking her to explain to you what the problem is? If she does write back it will give you some comfort knowing why. But it is all too fresh at the moment. I’d wait for a couple of months until she might miss your support and company.

Grief of this situation is not easy to live with. I hope you feel better soon

TonyWK

[Dragonfly57]

Hi Anita, I have just come across your post, it is dated 2020, so I hope that things have worked out with you and your daughter, and that you have access to your beautiful grandkids. I am going through something similar and would like to chat privately if possible. If you agree please reply to this post so we can work something out. Thankyou.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Unfortunately private contact between members is not possible on this anonymous forum.

However, if you wish to start up your own thread then please do so and it will be answered.

TonyWK

[HelloGail]

Kindly, I think the answer may be in your post: she did divorce her "very loving kind husband." If you are still on talking terms with your ex son in law, maybe via a rumour it has got back to your daughter and she doesn't want to confront you about it as it is just too sensitive and emotional. It can cause issues when family members stay in close ties with their children's/brother/sister in laws. Maybe write her a letter?