Daily angst

[Rainbow_fish]

Like most women, I work full time, I love my job, I love my children and I love my husband. What brings me here however is that I'm afraid I'm not IN LOVE with hubby, which may be a result of the vast differences we seem to have developed or realised probably since our first child was born 8 years ago. I understand how a marriage can often be put under strain once a child is born, however what seems to be the underlying cause of endless arguements might have to do with the differences in how we perceive things... my understanding of cleaning up vs his understanding. My idea of respect vs his idea. I don't want to bog this down with so many examples, but I'm really really struggling to maintain our marriage that just seems to be full of immaturity or sarcasm (from him) and me having to battle that in terms of wondering why he doesn't seem to want to grow up and be accountable for things that adults, parents and husbands should... he always says that it's me with the problem and I need to change, which cuts to the bone, because I feel he has lost all sight of what he has right here in front of him... a family who wants to spend time with him but he is 'too tired', or 'organised a friend to come over' or 'will do the dishes in the morning', but they're still there by nightfall next day, or 'needs to wash the car' instead of looking after the baby while I run errands.

Its just a constant struggle to agree on responsibilities...and for him to be honest... it's really just that and a lack of open communication. Honestly I can say that I become annoyed when there is a million things to do, but he's browsing on his phone... I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager who is avoiding house chores or something... it makes me feel depressed because I feel I am being the only responsible adult... and as for lying, blatantly and by omission, this is something that has caused a lot of heartache for myself... if it wasn't for the kids I'd be out of here in a flash...it's not happy or healthy... but my gut and heart are saying I've invested way too much and have two beautiful children who would suffer immensely if i did.

I WANTED to work on it but I am reaching that end point where i may just cave in and be consumed by a monster of a marriage. I know we need to talk, he just doesn't think there's anything to talk about... I'm in a bad place with him and the kids miss him... I honestly have nothing left to give... feeling more alone each day...

[ravenm]

Hi Rainbow Fish.

Im sorry i dont really have advice but wanted to say i understand.

Im in similar situation. I've been with my partner for 3 years, we have a child- which is why we tried/still kind of trying to make this relationship work.

I often joke to him that i love him like he is my adopted teenage son. But its not really that much a joke.

He is very immature. He has let me down, lied to me, disrespected me to the point i actually did leave (but i came back because i believed he had changed) There is almost zero communication. He rarely helps with housework, doesnt pick up after himself (I work also). And and he's pretty much always stoned. I have to drive him around etc.

I feel like the only responsibile "partner".

And in this 3 years i have lost my self esteem, self worth. I feel useless, like a horrible 'wife', i believe that i dont matter. I've got pretty bad anxiety now, too.

I'm a shadow of my former self and i know its because i didn't stand up for myself.

I understand that it can truly bring you down. Especially when he refuses to talk or acknowledge any problems.

I'm not sure what else to say and my kids have stopped playing nicely. I hope i helped in some tiny way.

[quirkywords]

Rainbow fish,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for taking this step to share your story. This is a safe, caring, nonjudgmental and supportive place.

When parents are working fulltime, caring for children, running a household and trying to maintain a relationship it can be very difficult at times.

I can feel your exhaustion, frustration and loneliness through your words.

Communication can be hard because while we maybe saying things they maybe be understood differently. We may think we have been listened to but maybe we have not been heard.

People bring their own expectations to a marriage and they may vary a lot from their spouse.

Many people reading your post and ravenm's will be nodding in agreement. You are not alone.

Thank you ravenm for sharing your story as I said by doing this this will help others as well as rainbow fish.

It can be a balancing act meeting all our roles and responsibilities.

I wonder if you have ever considered or tried relationship counselling.? It can help with communication to have an experienced third party listen and maybe offer ideas for a more open communication.

Have you ever tried writing or even emailing your husband explaining how you feel?

Feel free to post here when you want to .

By the way I like the name rainbow fish, as it is one of my favourite children's books.

Quirky

[Rainbow_fish]

Hi Ravenm,

i have to say I'm surprised I'm being understood... i thank you for writing your post and letting me know you're in a similar situation... the situation is very difficult to manage because like you said we are left feeling like the only responsible adults. I hope things change for the better for both of us as a fresh start to the new year... there is a lot of tension around especially in the lead up to Christmas Day. I understand when you say your kids don't play nicely, they see and feel what's going on around them. I'm constantly having to ask my husband to stop yelling at me, and instead talk with me. I am mentally tired of having to flex to his terms just to avoid conflict... you're right, feeling worthless and a loss of self esteem is a definite result of the life we are living. It's very difficult to be happy when you're living with someone so cynical and negative...

i would love to just have a normal conversation and discuss future goals or just be a family on a holiday... I feel trapped.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Rainbow fish,

I'm really sorry to hear that you have a family to raise now, and you're dealing with very immature and unco-operative behaviour from your hsuband.

When you said he `browses his phone' a lot, does he spend a lot of time on the internet/social media? Do you know much about his internet activities, and could he be addicted?

[ravenm]

Yes the kids have seen my partner yelling at me, calling me names and blaming me in a very nasty way. This is his prefered way of, i suppose, defending himself when i bring up topics that make him uncomfortable. Even when i have suggested he see a doctor for his tiredness... it takes very little to 'set him off' so i generally dont speak to him about anything at all other than about the kids.

So here i am in a relationship where i am always thinking twice about what i can or cant say in order to keep the peace. And that makes me very sad. I don't want to be in a relationship like this. Yet i am. Is this (and the other reasons from my earlier post) good enough reasons to leave / break up a family?

That question kills me. I think about it everyday. This not knowing "what is the right thing to do", is probably the sole reason behind my anxiety etc.

You might understand the feeling- i CAN live this way. But i dont WANT to.

But is my desire (and perhaps,my happiness) so important that my kids must grow up with a broken family. I just don't know.

I would love to hear your opinion!

[Rainbow_fish]

Hi Bindi

thank you for your understanding, it sure gets more difficult as time passes... yes, I do actually think he is addicted to social media as that's part of how we end up fighting... hes very immature... there's little I can do to stop this. Is there?

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Rainbowfish,

Thanks for letting me know about his social media addiction. I would have a really close look at that if you can, at who his influences are exactly. Their values may be what are dragging him down. He could be trying to connect with and gain acceptance from a crowd who are no good for your family or relationship. If that's the case, I think you ought to know, and have discussion about it. Male cultures on the internet can be quite horrible, very shallow and misogynistic. If he's immersed in that, he may not even realize that its shaping his values, his priorities, and style of communication.

My relationship reached serious crisis point because of social media, I don't think either of us realized how much it had impacted our relationship. After that crisis, my partner cut off it completely, and the change has been dramatic since then. Its been a process, but I feel like I got my partner back.

Anyway, if you can, just have a look at what he's been doing. I asked my partner for permission and he agreed, and I was shocked that I hadn't been paying attention to that part of his life, there was lot happening and I had no idea. Anyway just a suggestion, I really hope that helps.

[quirkywords]

Rainbow fish, Bindi,

That is very interesting to read about social media addiction . I think because everyone doe sit to some extent we take it for granted and don't realise the effect it can have on our loved ones. Bindi mentioned many influences that are on social media and the effect these can have on people. Most people think of the amount of time people spend on social media that they could ne spending with their family.

Bindi, It is reassuring that you could talk to your partner and he was willing to be open about you seeing what he was looking at on the internet. I am so glad communication and your relationship improved.

Rainbow, That is why this forum is so helpful as you describe a situation and other people can relate and give you an idea.

Raven, m I can understand that sentence you wrote- I can live this way but I don't want to.

Quirky

[OF]

Hello!

I am so glad you have written this because I am experiencing a similar situation now, however, we just had our first child and she is 5 months old. I am still getting use to having our baby around and feel I am getting slightly better with the whole motherhood thing, but at times, still feel difficult and a bit "I dont know what to do with my baby" situation and this probably sounds horrible but I haven't felt a connection with her yet. Just "trying" my best to feed her and play with her etc but I know i shouldn't just be "trying" per.

feel every few days or weeks, my arguments with my partner are getting worse. Sometimes the slightest thing may trigger him to speak to me like he is with a bunch of guys and i have said on multiple occassions to not speak to me like that and just talk to me like a normal person but it hasn't worked.
i feel that he has some underlying anger issues in general and when he is unhappy and gives off that unhappy vibe ,I also fall down to his level and we end up shouting at each other.
He keeps saying he is here to support me but I don't see it and it really angers me sometimes that he expects me to do this and the other as I am at home most days and "I'm not pulling my weight" kind of comments. I am tired and have a sore back that I am getting treatment for and I do what I can throughout the day but as soon as one thing isn't completed he will start an argument from that. However, I also get annoyed when I find something he has done and I have asked him he has done this, he will just go bezerk at me whereas I would be calm about it.

**please see next post**