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Controlling mother

RoseToez
Community Member
So recently I got into relationship, and his been living with us for 3 months now. Well every time I spend time out at my mum's place she bags him out to me and I come home in a negative mood and have a fight with him. Then we won't get along very well for the next two days until one of us breaks the ice. Well in my past relationships it's been the same. The relationship with my kids father was worse, we were together for 5 years and all my mum had to say about him and his family were negative. And previous relationships were the same.. the longer I was with someone the worse it would get. The thing is that she's my only friend that I visit and open up to.. we'll have a couple of drinks together then I do find myself opening up about everything. I'd like to be able to avoid these conversations where she mentions these things about my partner that makes me feel like crap, but before i realise shes done it im feeling like crap wanting to go home. I'm starting to get really frustrated at myself that she's always had it over me like this. I honestly don't know how to go about this apart from me not visiting her or spending time with her. But then I get cabin fever because I'm stuck at home all the time with the kids. If I start having a go at her about it she just gives me a strange look. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to explain it to her so it sinks in without coming across aggressive
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

When we are young adults we don't often realise that when we go to someone and spill our lives to them, we can get responses that isn't what we want. Simply put, if you don't want a negative reaction then cease mentioning your partner at all. Easier said than done though.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she is the only company you have. You need to spread your wings and get some friend your own age. Then drift slowly from your mum to a point whereby you will both be happy to see each other. If your mother realizes you are drifting and questions you "well mum, we cant live in each others pockets".

This is all part of maturing and isn't something to be ashamed of.

So I'll leave it to you to find groups whereby you can meet other mums for some developing friendships. In terms of control, I don't think your mum is trying to control you, I think she is just trying to help. I have a mum that ties to control my life totally and 9 years ago cut her free from my life. She is no comparison to what you have in your mum.

TonyWK

GoodWitch
Community Member

I think White Knight has been very helpful. The problem is your mother is your only friend. It's natural you'd want to vent to her about little things your partner does that are annoying for example, because she's the only sounding board you've got. But she's in no way impartial. She's bound to be upset if she thinks you're being treated not as well as she'd like, so she is going to turn against any boyfriend you have if you tell her all the nitty gritty. I'm not suggesting you give her a false impression, if you are truly unhappy or being treated badly say so, but it seems like maybe it's not that. Maybe you just need to separate your romantic life from your mother daughter life, if that makes sense.

Mother's groups are great if you can find one in your area. Or if you have a particular interest you could join a group in that interest area. It's scary to meet new people but ultimately rewarding if you can find a friend to talk to.

Best of luck

GW