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Is it to early to move on

pat06
Community Member

Hi all

me and the wife separated about 8-9 weeks ago. she left and took the kids and I haven't seen them (long story). I don't think there is reconciliation. one day she says yes another day its a stern NO

anyways is it to early to go out on a date with another girl?

15 Replies 15

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pat, I'm so sorry to read what you have told us, and the 6-8 weeks must have been very hard for you to cope with.

'Is it too early to go on a date' well I can't make that decision for you, however, if you want to reconcile with your wife, then perhaps it's not, it will just confuse the situation.

If there is no chance of any reconciliation, then you may have to consider how your kids would feel, all of this depends on the separation has occurred.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi pat.

l'm sorry about everything that's happened and Geoff has some big points there.

But l'm also wondering if you'd like to reconcile then does that mean you still love your wife, and why exactly do you wanna meet new women so soon.

Because 8 wks isn't long at all unless you've been out of love for your wife a long time before the split anyway. Me l took 3yrs which l really needed to get everything me right and l also just didn't even feel like diving back into it after 19yrs, wanted some me time, just sayin.

Why aren't you seeing your kids btw , it's bot like years ago fathers have rights and support these days . Please don't let that go on they need you to through all this more than ever now.

Anyway good luck and l hope your ok

rx

pat06
Community Member

thanks for the replies. Apparently she was ready to walk 18mths ago. I was working stupid hours and flat out 6 days a week (just to boost the savings) but in doing this I was pushing her away, to tired for sex, on the days off I would like to do things I wanted to do (I would normally take our boy) but apparently that wasn't enough.

She has said possibly no reconciliation cause what has happened has affected her whole family

the girl I am talking to at the moment is just a friend (she has 2 boys) and she just said we are friends, we are adults and we can have adult fun. So not to sure if she is looking for a relationship.

I am just respecting her wishes at the moment with the kids while she gets over her anger etc. if I have to court will be the next step. shes already drilling me for child support (500/week)

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Pat06,

My experience with dating someone soon after a major relationship is that it can be both exhilarating and also incredibly painful. Whether you feel like it or not, you are in quite a vulnerable state after separation. You may be looking for emotional connection and someone who doesn’t remind you of your ex. Which makes you susceptible to becoming emotionally hooked on someone who is bad for you. The fact that they were able to make you feel so good after having felt so bad is like a drug. Which makes it incredibly hard to keep your emotions out of it. And if it doesn’t work out, like most early relationships don’t, you will experience the grief of the loss of both relationships in full force. If you can keep things light and casual, then go ahead, but I just thought I would warn you to tread carefully, as someone who has been there. I think it’s harder initially to go through the separation and deal with the heartbreak, but I think it’s easier in the long run.

Sounds like you should be the one needing time for anger, working that hard for your family she should've been more understanding and less selfish yet your copping this as thanks.Although l guess there's a lot more to it if she was already ready to leave so long ago before the long hours. Did you guys talk back then did she tell you how she was feeling .

Anyway, l really hope you don't need courts because if whoever did what can be just put aside and a couple try to work together for the kids it's def' the way to go imo and the way we've tried our best to keep things. So my daughter and have just came and went or catch up anytime we want as often as we want and nothing rigid or bs involved has hugely helped her through this and me too and made a.massive difference for us both.

And yeah thoroughly agree with juliet about the fall out if someone new goes wrong, suddenly your dealing with 2 break ups that hits you even worse,

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pat, thanks for getting back to us and from what you've said reconciliation maybe difficult and from my experience, if you did manage to get back together, the relationship may not be easy, simply because any old habits each of you do will be magnified and then cause tension.

If my ex wife and I ever got back together then if I did or she does what we don't want to happen because it was part of the reason why we broke up, then an argument would start.

We still talk and see each other (family occasions) and get on well together, but we couldn't live with each other any longer.

If you want to talk with your friend then do it, a relationship may develop over time, but at the moment just follow your instinct.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

pat06
Community Member

thanks Juliet I get where your coming from, yeah I am in a vulnerable position. I hate the feeling of being alone etc. but at the moment I think its more someone to get out of the house with and just have some fun to try and stop dwelling on things. Im not ready for a relationship and she is aware of that.

Random, it was 18mths ago when I working so much and I developed an addiction to porn which I was trying to hide from the wife, she knew but I denied it (cause of the embarrassment and guilt) so then she started to feel as if she was crazy etc. I started to hold back a lot and the porn was affecting our relationship. Its been 9 weeks since ive even had a thought of looking at it which I am proud of myself for.

Geoff, yeah that's what I was thinking if we reconcile and get back together what has happened will still be in her mind and there will always be that double guessing thing and if we were to have a disagreement she could always throw that back into my face (like she has previously done about my ex before her, she blew up when she found out I was just chatting to my ex on facey, it was all just harmless chat like how ya going, hows work, whats been going on sort of chats)

me and my wife (or ex wife) still message eachother pretty much every day and facetime every couple of nights and chat about how the kids are going and whats going on. it looks as tho our boy my have a form of autism so that's been hard to take, when ever she brings up what has happened I either don't answer or change topic (advice from solicitor) its all abit confusing and by chatting with this other girl and getting out is keeping my mind off things (hopefully lol)

thanks for your replies 🙂

Pat

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pat, thanks for your comments because what you've said can happen and yes the same has happened with me, if we were to have a disagreement once we weren't together she would always throw that back into my face, so I was on the offensive, the problem is that she was such a lovely wife and I loved her so much, just as she did with me.

The thought of having all these issues made to be my fault is why we couldn't live together again.

It's a shame because this only happened at the end of our 25 year marriage, the strange problem is that I still love her.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

pat06
Community Member

hi Geoff, its exactly the same as us only weve been 6yrs.

I did go out last night with my friend and we had a absolutely awesome night. we talked and learnt about eachother and I found out we have the same interests (camping, fishing, music, values) she will let me check out other girls and if I don't notice them she will point them out lol. (I used to get into trouble if I looked at another girl)

hope your doing well

Pat