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I don't know whats wrong with me

Community Member

Hi all I am new to this

I have a loving husband who works hard great father. I love him but not the way I used when we got married.

I don't want to upset him or the children, I meet this man through my dads friend, hes a little older than me I think late 40s not sure but I take my car to him to get serviced, we text each other about general stuff example, how our day was and venting on each other about our frustration, talking about how stressful our days can be. When I meet him we immediately got along, I don't know why but I deleted the messages on my phone? Don't know what's going on with me, my husband is a hard worker he is wonderful man. There is no quality time I don't know why I am feeling this way, a few years ago I felt I needed to find myself I feel that I am being selfish to him and my kids. I have always put them first, I just feel a connection with this man . Maybe I am selfish, feeling a spark .

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello 07Flower

Welcome to the friendly Beyond Blue forums and for having the courage to post too!

Just my opinion 07flower...I dont think you are selfish in any way. You are a proactive person that values her children and self worth. This may have something do with you deleting the texts you mentioned

Your first sentence spoke volumes 'I love him but not the way I used when we got married' and fair enough as I have felt the same with a partner too and it can be confusing where feelings are concerned

Of course your post is not a criticism about your husbands' integrity in any way Flower. I can see the respect you have for your husband. Placing your children first is a sign of a great mum as well

You also mentioned that there is no quality time......This can sometimes make a relationship difficult. If you want to elaborate we can help provide more effective support

Just for your info 07flower.....The forums are a very safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being are paramount to us 🙂

We are usually quick to reply to everyone Flower. It is rare that we miss a post. If you wish to post back you are very welcome to do so!

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too

my kind thoughts


Hi Paul.

The guy I mentioned about the text messages, I went to take my car to service and he was acting weird around me as if we never text? It made me feel really uncomfortable at that point. I deleted his number.

I have been married for 12 years, it's been a wonderful marriage , not perfect we both been through a lot. I don't know how to tell him about how I am feeling towards him, as mentioned I love him he is wonderful husband and father. I try to communicate, I would ask him are you happy? H would yes that's it. We separated before 9 years ago, 6 months I was devastated I felt completely lost we gave it another shot. My husband is a very quiet man, before we meet i loved to socialise have dinner with family & friends, travelling invite people over for lunch or dinner, meeting new people it is who I am, when I got married he does't really like to socialise only with family, he prefers to have family time dinner with kids etc.... When we catch up it's either having lunch at food court , talk about general stuff , discuss about the kids sports and bills list goes on. I mention 2 years ago I wanted to go away a break just on my own, I brought it up 2 weeks ago his respond was wait until the kids are older , he told me he won't take time off work. I stood up sat in the living room and cried. I wanted to say I want to separate for a while, I want to find myself again, I want to find the spark I had in me, I miss it. I am so afraid he will not want to talk to the kids . It happened before when separated he didn't want to talk to the children, I always made the effort to call him so the kids can hear his voice. The man I mentioned we been texting each other I felt a spark, I have really mix emotions I love my children I have always put them first and respect my husband as well, he just got promoted from work. I cried today because it was so frustrating , I'm so afraid and don't know what to do, I am a full time mother so many things run through my mind.

Hi Flower,

It sounds like you're going through a lot emotionally, and have been for some time. The texting with the other man is something I'd like to set aside for a moment, because I believe you feeling a spark with someone else is just a symptom of what you're missing out on in your marriage.

I can identify with a lot of what you've said as I too was a fairly outgoing social person who married a quiet man who does not like to socialise. Opposites attract eh? That kind of pairing can work out, as long as you both have your needs met. If he doesn't want to go out, maybe you have some friends who'd like to go with you instead? he can happily stay home - if he's fine with that. He ought to be, since you have curbed your socialising nature, your true self, in order to be his partner and a mother. He ought to let you have some of your old self back without resistance.

However, it seems like maybe you've been asking for what you need and he is not helping you achieve it, which is a deeper problem.

The fact he didn't talk to the children last time you separated indicates to me your hub has problems dealing with his emotions. Perhaps he has trouble connecting with people? You cry and ask for something you really need and he says no...can't take time off work. It shows a bit of disregard for your feelings tbh. Sorry to sound harsh, but I've been in a 21year marriage (now in the process of separating) with a man who rejected any emotional display from me and never learned to put my needs first. I'd be sobbing and asking him for something, for eg to come to counselling or read a book, and he would say 'I don't see why I should'. Yet on the outside he is a hard worker/good father/decent man. It's very hard to convince yourself you have a right to your own needs, when anyone looking in would say you've got it all.

I Feel like I've rambled a bit! But I identify with your story and wanted to say you're not alone in struggling like this. You haven't done anything wrong with that other man, he's a mild distraction and not important. What you need to concentrate on is your marriage. You need to ask yourself some hard questions, like, is it really working? can you be happy like this? you need to find out if your hub can ever give you what you need, because if not, you'll have some decisions to make about how to go forward.

I hope this helps. please post back if you can