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cheating on hubby but want it to stop

Community Member
a few months ago, I cheated on hubby. I was going through a really bad patch, mentally and really just wanted company but now I hate myself for it. I really do. but now this guy wont stop messaging me. I like it but I hate what im doing to my hubby. I hate what im doing to myself. I have been asking my hubby for more love over the last few years but nothing has change. and now this new person has come along. I don't want to leave my hubby because I do love him. we have been married 10 years now and been together even longer. I don't want to lose that, but I do want that love that has been lost. im missing it.
5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

There would be many reading your post that would say "the way you are going about this is wrong" but that is a moral judgement and we dont do that here. We know that others lives are different as are their circumstances.

Lacking affection in a marriage can be unbearable for a person that lacks the love they need to be happy, it is a sad existence especially if your partner doesn't have the capacity/natural ability to fulfill your needs.

Having said that there are ways to go through the processes that would not result in the situation you find yourself in.

Now that you are wondering what to do, nobody can really advise you. My strong suggestion is for you to take a break from any contact with the other guy and over the next few weeks try to connect more with your husband so that you are decisive on where your future lies. Failure to do that could result in regrets.

I'd also suggest counseling sessions with or without your husband.

Lagging in the middle of this uncomfortable situation brought you to us today. Your goal imo should be to get yourself in a position that is decisive without regrets.

Good luck and repost anytime on developments -if you feel like it.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi bubbles33,

As someone who was starved of affection for most of my 10 year relationship, I understand that affection is a basic human need. While I agree with WhiteKnight that there is a right and a wrong way to do things, sometimes life is made up of shades of greys. I also think that people have a strong visceral reaction to cheating, but don’t seem to have that same reaction to the prolonged withdrawal of affection from the one person that you are allowed to get it from. I’m not condoning cheating, merely pointing out that there are two sides to every story.

The question is, where to from here? My concern is, your husband is not fulfilling your needs emotionally but you love him, this new person is giving you all this affection that you haven’t had in a long time. Breaking it off is going to be extremely difficult, and like a drug you will be prone to relapse. Which means you are on a collision course to being caught. You can try talk to your husband but the reality is that this is a weakness that won’t likely be fixed overnight. Counterintuitively, if you want to save your marriage, I would consider coming clean to your husband. If he forgives you, he will be so focused on you that you won’t be able to do anything but stay truthful. Of course, this is your life and the thought of that is likely terrifying, but the alternative path has a way of ending very badly. I hope you at least found some support in my words.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Bubbles, thanks for coming to the site.

I like Tony's first paragraph and as Juliet says 'there are two sides to every story'.

Love and a relationship are important for you, as it is for most of us, and I'm by no means agreeing to what's happening, however, what this does is give you more life, you change your attitude, your personality and brings life back just as were once before, but is there a point where you need to stop.

Yes, when it starts to become intimate, then problems may begin for several reasons, it can damage your family life and also cause problems for this other person, and if this 'friendship' abruptly ends, then one person may start to try and contact making the situation awkward.

If my wife (ex) had been having an affair I certainly wouldn't be happy, so I'm not sure how your husband would react and that's what I'm worried about.

So your joy of being able to be in this 'friendship' may suddenly turn the opposite way if your husband finds out.

If you had been struggling mentally and not getting the support you needed from your husband then it can be easy to find a compassionate

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Sorry Bubbles, I pressed something and then my comment is gone,

It's always lovely to find a compassionate person who wants to listen to you when no one else does, that's what we always encourage, but please be careful and if you can contact your doctor.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi bubbles33

Ahh, chemistry; the impact it has on us can be life changing on a mental, physical and spiritual level. In speaking of spiritual, I'm simply touching on that incredible sense of energetic connection to life. A new interest can certainly set some chemistry in motion, for sure, and it can be hard to let go of that feeling when deep down we're considering the source to be questionable. From what you write, you do seem to be questioning things.

Shifting focus away from this new guy can be achieved through you becoming a fully committed detective, when it comes to the relationship with your husband. Some key questions to set the investigation in motion:

  • How does my husband define love and romance? How did he express love and romance, back in the earlier days of the relationship? For example: Is there a sense of love and romance for the both of you when you go away on trips/weekends together?
  • Does my husband enjoy/miss a sense of adventure? Have we been venturing out together in order to add to our relationship? Have we been building upon the relationship? When did we cease actively building upon it?
  • What does my husband find exciting within a relationship? What sets the chemistry surging in a number of ways, for him and for you?
  • What does my husband have to look forward to within the marriage? Has life become a bit of a 'Groundhog Day' existence for the both of us, where we're just living out our day to day routine, week in and week out? What short and long term goals do you both share?

And last but by no means least

  • What do you both do together as a form of recreation? Recreation can tie together the experience of love, romance, adventure, excitement and more. Recreation involves re-creation, when we get to constantly re-create our self (as individuals) and the relationship we share with another. The most satisfying recreational experiences involve evolution. I believe love is found within evolution. Say, if we decide to take up hang-gliding, the second we find our self soaring, we love our self for doing this thing we've never done before and we love that incredible sense of connection to life itself. By adding a venture (adventuring), we've suddenly evolved (found our self actively in love again). Doing the same old things does not invite love

Of course, I don't expect you to respond to any of these questions. The idea is to simply get your investigation moving in the direction of growth/evolution.

Take care of yourself bubbles33