Guys I’m really scared of what the future will look like. I’ve had moments of wondering whether or not it’s worth sticking around. I’m not suicidal, and my heart hurts for those of you that are or ever have been. I understand the pain.
i don’t know why I’m holding on anymore. Maybe I do have hope, somewhere deep in my subconscious? But for the first time in my life I met someone and finally felt seen and held, and like I was home. Without her I just can’t see a point to anything.
i have always had my shit together. Besides excessive drinking and substance abuse when I was in my late teens/early 20s. (Quite a common thing in the UK unfortunately) Since then my life has been fine, never fulfilled, but fine. I moved to Australia, had a really specific routine, spent weekends with my sister and her family, had a rental with my ex partner of 2.5 years, we’d adopted a rescue dog, I have a great career. Everything was fine, I wasn’t ever happy in the relationship, but I liked my life. I realised that I was only in the relationship for convenience and we didn’t actually like each other. It was scary, but I left and started again. And I barely cried. I didn’t have feelings for her.
a few months later I met someone new and she was just incredible. I admired everything about her, strong, bold, career-driven, adventurous, stable, beautiful. She was everything that I’ve ever wanted and had no idea existed.
it was my issues that hurt her and ultimately, over time, I chipped away until she couldnt do it anymore. (See my previous post about people-pleasing and inconsistencies) it’s the biggest regret of my life. For the first time EVER I felt seen. I’ve never experienced contentment, happiness, or safety like I felt at the beginning. After a while, I knew she was pulling away. And so I panicked and recoiled and became even leas of what she wanted. I felt weak and all of my behaviours were sub-par.
after 6 months she’d had enough. And I’ve never felt heartbreak like it. I’ve lost the thing that I spent 29 years looking for and I’m so angry at myself and at the world for not giving me the tools I needed to know how to love as a child.
I don’t speak to my parents, or my siblings anymore. And that’s because I wanted to break the toxic communication patterns and actually be a strong her version of myself. It been a battle, but it was the right decision.
Even with that knowledge, I’m still feeling incredibly alone. I haven’t made friends becayse I didn’t need any. She gave me everything, she was my person and nothing else mattered to me.
but now she’s gone and I have nothing. She is my entire world and I’ve ruined it. I have nothing idea how to exist in a world now, knowing that it took 29 years to just get a glimpse of that. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I don’t know how I’ll ever feel happiness again
