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Clueless for love

TiFerret
Community Member

I've been married for 25+ years & for the last 10 years have found, I'm not in love with my wife. We have evolved to be very different people. I love her as the mother of my children & as my partner, but not as a lover. We have lived apart & to the best of knowledge have been abstinent for 10 years. I've considered broaching the subject of separation - but every time something woeful happens, time & time gain - she is diagnosed with lung, breast, lymphoma cancer etc. A decade of support willing provided - but never was an "appropriate" time to discuss us & what is wanting in our relationship. When I tried , the incriminations flew & I backed off for the children's sake. Thankfully she is better now. I've been lonely for a long time - no matter the circumstance I deserve companionship. Which presents a dilemma - I've met a woman who get's me, we have so much in common - we are almost the same person. We like the same music, food, entertainment - we agree/disagree on politics & enjoy the same authors - we battle the same issues with out teenage children & enjoy each others company. Laughs abound (: We are friends ..but I feel both of us wish for more. I'm seriously torn - I know If I pursue this path I'll fall in love again but in doing so will betray a love lost. So - I'm clueless for love.

8 Replies 8

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello TiFerret, and thanks for coming to the forums and can I firstly say that I'm really sorry about your wife and what she is suffering from, but know the situation you are facing and realise that perhaps you might be already in love with this other person.

After 25 years of being married, so much must have happened, good and not so good and feelings begin to change in other directions, so love may turn into caring, however, you and your wife live apart already so isn't this being separated as your wife may be getting help from other people, please I don't mean any harm in saying this, just commenting on the circumstances.

Even if you connect with this other lady, doesn't mean you can't care for your wife when it's appropriate and it also depends on how your children are going to handle this, but they may already know of the situation.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

jtjt_4862
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi TiFerret,

Thank you for posting your story on the BB Forums. Really glad that you were able to, and I'm very sorry to hear about the current situation that you're in. It must be really tough on you on deciding what the right thing is for you. Whether to continue being with your partner who has provided you with a family, as well as a love life that lasted for 15 years. Or someone brand new who seems to make good connection with you, especially given how much you yearn for love.

I hope you don't mind me seeking clarification from your story, and if it's too hard to answer, feel free to ignore the question. Would it be alright for you to explain what was the cause for you two to be living apart for the past 10 years? And when you mentioned "incrimination", are you referring to, her limited capacity in showing you love due to her medical conditions?

Hope to hear from you soon TiFerret.

Jt

Hi JT. Ok this is more than a little difficult & a lot personal. To clarify : some what, as it's complicated. My wife & I live in the same house with our family ( 3 grown children who come and go as they need & 2 late teens who are @ home). We interact daily as a team, such as discussing, what's for lunch? {her Q & do}, what's for dinner {me Q & do}, which children need to be collected from after school jobs/sports, appointments, errands, shopping, car services, bills to be paid etc - {generally me tasks}. Where things are a bit different - my children & I are affectionate - Luv'em. My wife & I are not. This is a me thing as she would like to be affectionate/intimate.

We don't have any physical contact - no holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual relations etc - we sleep in different rooms & generally have different days. The last straw for me was when after many lengthy discussions about her wanting another child & I being adamantly against a 5th child. She fell pregnant. About 10 years ago I discovered it was not an "accident" - but rather her doing exactly what she wanted. When I found this out, I was left feeling gullible & stupid, betrayed by the one person I trusted most. When confronted, she was of the opinion she knew what was best for both of us - she has since tried to make "amends" on a physical level but for me that was the last time we shared a bed. What makes it worse, she knows that I don't trust people easily & a serious breach of trust would be a deal breaker - but on the other hand I would do anything for my children. Had it not been for the responsibilities of caring for my other children - I would have called it quits & she knew this fare thee well. I was trusting & never saw this coming.

My candid expectation was that when all our children were adults - we would divorce, fairly split assets & I explore the world. I don't wish to inflict any more pain other than "it didn't work out after 3 decades"..it going to hurt no matter how it's dressed. Hind sight really is 20-20. I'm a little ashamed at being resentful for the time lost, as I accepted the situation until now. I really did not expected an alternative future - I certainly was not looking for one - but now there is a possibility of happiness? I'm of mixed feelings - a full bag of hope, sadness, anxiety & failure. Is it what it it is? - just two friends with many things in common - with a glimmer of something better. This is not a good place to be - it's safer to just continue to feel numb than roll the dice, but if I don't chance - I will never know. To be blunt - I'm scared as hell. I do know I'm traveling our country in 2 years - the question really is, will I do this alone or with my new partner. I've only bone to show here - any opinions, advice would be welcome...this will be a very considered decision - as there is so much on the table...some of my elder children won't be surprised but others will probably go postal, especially if another woman is involved, collateral damage with abound, children taking sides etc ...there is nothing to look forward to. And this is only my side of the fence...although separated for many years my friend's teenage children will undoubtfully have feelings & opinions too...

My candid expectation was that when all our children were adults - we would divorce, fairly split assets & I explore the world. I don't wish to inflict any more pain other than "it didn't work out after 3 decades"..it going to hurt no matter how it's dressed. Hind sight really is 20-20. I'm a little ashamed at being resentful for the time lost, as I accepted the situation until now. I really did not expected an alternative future - I certainly was not looking for one - but now there is a possibility of happiness? I'm of mixed feelings - a full bag of hope, sadness, anxiety & failure. Is it what it it is? - just two friends with many things in common - with a glimmer of something better. This is not a good place to be - it's safer to just continue to feel numb than roll the dice, but if I don't chance - I will never know. To be blunt - I'm scared as hell. I do know I'm traveling our country in 2 years - the question really is, will I do this alone or with my new partner. I've only bone to show here - any opinions, advice would be welcome...this will be a very considered decision - as there is so much on the table...some of my elder children won't be surprised but others will probably go postal, especially if another woman is involved, collateral damage with abound, children taking sides etc ...there is nothing to look forward to. And this is only my side of the fence...although separated for many years my friend's teenage children will undoubtfully have feelings & opinions too...

jtjt_4862
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi TiFerret,

I'm really glad that you were able to share this with the forums. Thank you for opening up and sharing further details about what you're going through at the moment. I'm really sorry to hear about the betrayal from the person whom you trusted the most...

Given how much you value trust, honesty and collaboration in your relationship, it must've been very awful for you when your wife had done that. Claiming that 'she knew that it was for the best for the both of you', you felt that your needs and feelings on a very important decision in a family/relationship, was disregarded and ignored. From then on, you find it very difficult to ever open up yourself to being vulnerable to your wife for the past 10 years... The emotional connection that the two of you once had is now severed deeply, and it's causing you to feel lonely in your current relationship with your wife. I'm really sorry to hear that TiFerret... it has been a rough ride for you...

"I'm a little ashamed of being resentful for the time lost". I assume you're referring to, the lost of companionship and felt like your time has been wasted on having a wife whom you cannot connect with on an emotional level? Your feeling of resentment is valid, and you have every right to be feeling this way. I hope you don't mind me inserting some positivity to that statement. Although you have lost emotional connection with your wife, you were still able to feel love and connect emotionally with your children, which is a marvelous thing despite not wanting a 5th Child. So not all your time has been wasted, you still got some love, just not from your wife.

I'm not quite sure how things will go if separation were to take place. It can certainly impact a lot of people's lives. So it is something that requires heavy consideration. You did mention that your wife tried to make amends with you on a physical level. But I wonder, if she has attempted to do so on an emotional level? For example, sitting down with you to discuss about how you're both feeling towards yourself and each other, and acknowledging each other's feelings? After 10 years of not connecting on an emotional level, it can be a scary and anxious activity to be doing (especially since you've been enduring that sense of betrayal for a very long time). Do you feel this relationship with your wife is something that's still worth saving?

Happy to chat with you more TiFerret.

Jt

By happenstance it's been a year to the day that I posted on BB.  Since then I've put my desires on hold & have been content to be the best Dad I can be. On the home front my youngest are completing school, working after school jobs, practicing L's & planning their futures.  Some of my eldest have been on the receiving end of the bumps & bruises that life has to offer, while others are doing exceedingly well. Some have come home for a spell or after a few discussions about love & life have dissipated back into wild. Unfortunately a little tougher but hopefully wiser. For me, I have come to a startling realisation, I'm simply not ready to seek a new relationship. In introspect this saddens me & yet strangely provides me comfort. I guess I'm on my L's too - I just wish my life lesson was as easy as learning stick shift.            

    

That's it tif ' , if your not ready just do your life. 

To op , very tough situation for you and your family , wife, l'm sorry it's been what it's been. l would've suggested calling mensline to normally they were a huge help to me but sadly l've found that's gone to the pack lately. Oddly , they have women answering a mensline now and ok in some circumstances that actually might be appreciated by some guys with women problems , but when l've called l've wanted to talk to a bloke. And the women they've put on are not only hopeless but they have a real hard and attitude problem too, spoken to 2 of them and will def' not bother again. no idea why they would even put somebody like that on a mensline but alas , it's pretty well done now sadly. Hopefully here and some other things you find about might be of some help.

Unfortunately l fell out of love when married too , she'd just changed so much , we probably both did . 6 or 7yrs l was wondering just what to do, l didn't really wanna be married anymore we were just chalk and cheese. l didn't have the heart though to do anything about it either and then there was my d, whom l wanted with all my heart to have a full and normal family. Buttttt, ex didn't have any problem at all breaking up the family or a 20yr marriage when some guy came along and l would be saying to any guy , if you don't they will anyway when someone new rolls around.But of course the kids and everything , is heartbreaking, l know, but that didn't seem to stop her or others l've known of either . Maybe it's time to think of you bc she will if the time comes.

My ex was always sick to , nothing serious but enough for me to be caring for her none stop , yeah l was out of love but even sickness didn't stop her l was amazed.

 

ls this lady married , sorry if l missed it ? At any rate , if the new lady is free, personally l think you two should be talking it all through and working something out.

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide .

rx