Clingy boyfriend or is it just me? Relieved after breaking up!

Dana123 · ‎20-04-2019

Has anyone ever had experience with a clingy partner? How much clingy-ness is too much?

I was with a guy for a few months and initially, I liked him a lot. But it got to the point where I just found him too intense. He said I love you within 3 weeks and would constantly buy me gifts. I don't know why but I felt soo suffocated. I felt like I was constantly on edge if I didn't reply to him within a few hours. He had mentioned to me how important communication was and we both compromised in terms of how much affection we give. But a few days ago, he mentioned that he needed MORE communication. I had called him 5 out of the 7 days that week and we texted on average about 8/9 times a day. I just lost it, told him that he was asking for too much. I work full time and sometimes come home with a migraine. I didn't call him one night, because I was out with a friend. He told me that I could have called him instead. Mind you, we were seeing each other a minimum of twice a week. I think he was expecting that I drop everything for him. I know he would do that for me, but I don't think that's healthy at all!

I broke it off with him because I felt sooo suffocated. I told him that this is how much I could give. He had convinced me that there was something wrong with me and that if I loved him, I would communicate more. I explained to him on numerous occasions that I need to recharge sometimes after work and can't be on the phone for hours (he was expecting that of me).

Does this sound like a clingy person or is there something wrong with me? To be honest, I felt soooo relieved after breaking it off! I don't think I realised how suffocated I was. I told him that he was pushing me away. He said that I should find it endearing that he wants to talk to me more. Is there something wrong with me? Or was he really too clingy?

quirkywords · ‎20-04-2019

Dana, welcome to the forum and thanks for your post.

The older I get and the more I learn about relationship the less I seem to know.

e are all different. There sill be people reading this thinking I wish my boyfriend was so attentive and affectionate while others would agree with you and find his behaviour clingy and even suffocating.

I suppose you both need to find someone who has a similar approach to a relationship.

I have a friend whose previous partners had preferred drinking at the pub and going out without her. The she met this wonderful man who wanted to be around her and was so considerate. the she complained that she never had any space but knew he was a decent man so found a way she had some time by herself or with friends and he had enough time with her.

So to answer you last question it really depends on your point of view and I doubt there is a right answer only an answer that suits you.

Quirky

Guest_7403 · ‎20-04-2019

Sounds like fear of abandonment

GoodWitch · ‎21-04-2019

Hi Dana,

You say you are so relieved now that you've broken it off with this guy, and that is the clearest indication you can have that you've done the right thing. So don't worry so much about whether your level of communication/affection is 'normal'. Everyone is different and like quirky said, someone's suffocation is the dream relationship for someone else. The point is, this was not your dream relationship so you are best off out of it.

BTW the amount of contact he was asking of you, for me, would be way too much too. Him complaining about you not checking in with him before going out with a friend actually seems like controlling behaviour. And him blaming you for being not communicative enough rather than looking at himself and asking the question 'am I asking too much' shows a lack of self awareness and an unwillingness to find fault in himself. If you continued on dating him, my instinct is that he would only become more controlling and needy down the line, and would blame you for every problem in the relationship due to his unwillingness to examine his own behaviour.

This is my opinion, I'm no psychologist! But for what it's worth, if anyone has a problem here, from what you've said, it seems like your ex bf

Good luck. Onwards and upwards

GW

Dana123 · ‎04-05-2019

Hi goodwitch, thanks soo much for your reply. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. It's given me a sense of relief. My ex really did make me question myself and whether I was 'normal' because he just could not see my point of view and that to me is a big red flag and I agree, a sign of lack of self awareness.

Once again, thank you

Guest_1584 · ‎04-05-2019

Hi dana

So how are you feeling now about it , are you glad it's over , think it's for the best ?

Dana123 · ‎05-05-2019

Hey randomx, thanks for checking in 🙂 I am SOOO GLAD it's over! I thought that I would temporarily feel good after the break-up and then it would all hit me! But I still feel relieved because I know I made the right decision.

I think the reason why I feel so relieved is that I know I did everything I can to make it work. I compromised and really did try to give him a chance, but there is only so much you can do. I have no regrets and that is the best feeling 🙂

Joy77 · ‎11-05-2019

Hi Dana

In my opinion you absolutely did the right thing ending the relationship. Reading your post was like reading a large red flag. Its true that everyone has different needs and levels of communication, but it sounds like his behaviour was coming from his own insecurity and his unrealistic expectations would have only increased.

I hope you are ok and he has given you space after ending things?

x