Can separated couples reconcile?

[Sdmara]

Been seperated 5 years in Oct. Throughout this time we tried to reconcile but it doesn't seem to work. I try to meet his needs but he doesn't make any efforts. Repeatedly tells me he wants to try but only does what he wants without factoring how it makes me feel. He is aware cause we discussed it in counselling but he says he tries but I am never happy. I just feel worthless and hurt and guilty and I don't know what to do. I became a doormat waiting for his efforts to make this work. He doesn't then I react....then the blame me for reacting. I am tired of this. I ask for divorce he says he doesn't want it. He wants to find a way to make it work. Yet years passed but we are worse than ever. The more this happens the more sensitive I am becoming the more irrational the more needy. I hate this with a passion. Then I get scared. Scared of what happens next. I have no family here in Australia. Friends are few and all married so they are all busy with families. Every birthday holiday or special event I am on my own. Kids are grown up and teenagers want to live their lives. If I return to Europe then I am abandoning them. I feel suffocating and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. People say it will get better. Will it?? How?? The thought of meeting someone else makes me sick...going through the emotions again. I can't do it.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In situations like yours it could be time to take control for your own benefit of mental peace.

We sometimes believe that if we make every effort, then it has to work. But it largely depends on other factors like- compatibility, the other persons efforts, addictions, expectations, goals and children etc. Some factors like those are out of our control leaving us trying many times without success. Then we hear those words that the other party says- that he/she wants it to work, that they dont want to divorce. That leaves you in a dilemma hence you need to take charge and be decisive. Your head rather than your heart.

Many years ago, I had a 7 year relationship. Everything was perfect but she had different goals. My goals were marriage and kids. We were in love but it would never work as that hurdle could never be jumped. It was so hurtful for me to leave but I did only to gilfill my goals and be happy.

Your last sentence is likely inaccurate. A future partner may not cause you similar emotions. Everyone is different.

I hope I've given you some feeling of clarity so you can move forward.

TonyWK

[NotFromHere]

You're me, four years in the future. But with older kids.

It's really tough. Although I'm probably the one who didn't try. Or rather, I tried, but had no response, because of how hurt my ex was...

Honestly, I don't see us reconciling. And equally, I don't see much in the way of light at the end of the tunnel. But I can try to be the best ex I can be and focus on what's good for the children. But I also don't feel emotionally ready for another relationship even though she's moved on. That hurts, but I'd prefer to see her happy than the miserable person I've lived with for the past five years.

If he's not making an effort, then I wonder how much he wants it... or what his unresolved issues are. Mine is having an avoidant attachment style. Which I'm only just (at the age of 47) starting to understand.

I don't think you're abandoning independent children if you go to Europe now. Not if you've family there, and you welcome your children to visit when they want. Live your life for you.