Broken and Lost

[MissC]

My 22 year old son is in a relationship with a girl who has issues and won't acknowledge her issues.  She has tried to break up with him several times only to call him crying to come to her and talk.  He goes like a puppy dog.  First relationship for my son.  He left home on Monday to be with her because she was having issues and hasn't returned since.  I am not sure if he is at work and she 'needs him'.  He lives at home and we are close or were close.  I am so worried I got a text from him yesterday but feel somthing is off and wonder if it was him who texted me.  I am a mess not sleeping crying and fearing the worst.  I just need reassurance he is okay.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well its not good for you to feel so emotional. One thing I can say to you is that fearing the worst isnt ideal nor automatic for most people considering his adult age. Can I ask- what would be the normal levels of communication? After 1 1/2 days what would be those expectations? To ring yesterday? And if he told you he was fine and staying over with friends (or her) would you be ok with that or want details of his progress with this woman?

I'm guessing this girl is an adult say 18-22yo. She has tried to break the relationship off a number of times which can be a sign she is confused for whatever reason but she calls to want him to go to her and "talk". Not surprising that she wants to chat considering she is confused. Many emotional reasons could be responsible for that like- feelings of love, missing him, needs to find clarification or other reason. Such confusion is very common in my experience and indeed I had it myself until about 25yo when I began to know more about what I wanted and how to solve emotional issues. 

For your son to attend to her I see as a caring thing to do or loving thing to do if he still has romantic feelings for her but above all should he feel "free" to do so?. I'm not sure why you say "he goes like a puppy dog". I suppose at 22 years old I see that age as old enough to make his own decisions but I dont know the dynamics of your mother- son relationship.

You say you are close to him and indicate "were close" meaning your relationship has shifted. Do you know why? Does "close" mean he would normally inform you where he is on a daily basis or why he didnt sleep at home? Are you worried he stayed with her and wants to continue the relationship? This to and fro of a relationship can go on for a long time with some couples, in the end it will have a result either stay for good or separate, either way it doesnt mean its necessarily dangerous only mentally taxing until it settles one way or the other.

With the text you received, I always wait until I get evidence to confirm any feelings of wrong doing first, eg to confirm the person who sent it before I get too wrapped up on assumptions. He might have been in a rush etc. His first relationship isnt an issue imo, some people find their soul mate and not bother looking elsewhere.

I hope you dont mind but I think there could be other factors at play here. Has he wanted to move out? Have you got on well with this woman prior to this breaking up business? Does your son know that you dont approve of this woman as a partner for him? Is there any reason this woman could be holding ill feeling towards you in any way eg she considers you a barrier between her and him?

Finally, I know he's been living at home but at 22yo there are many FIFO workers that dont contact home even weekly. I joined the RAAF at 17yo and wrote a letter (them days a long time ago) once a fortnight. It's only been less than 2 days. Do you feel like you are too involved or are finding difficulty letting him spread his wings? It's been difficult for you to write in and I hope you are ok but any further information can assist us greatly.

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TonyWK