Broken and hurt - my husband has cheated on me for the second time in a sordid and hurtful way

[ElleCee]

My husband and I have been married 30 years and it has been a good marriage for the most part.  I married my best friend and still today he is my person. We’ve had some bad times but I thought we had the same relationship goals. 

 

in 2009 during a particularly sexy and fun time for us he disclosed he had been having an affair with a coworker for over 4 years. He wanted to end but didn’t know how to stay away from her. When he did end it she got viscous and made false allegations to the police - causing me to be investigated- twice.  But she didn’t get the outcome she wanted. He stayed with me but not without a lot of work with counselling talking and being honest with our needs. It was a totally confronting when I found out they had been having unprotected sex and he transmitted genital herpes to me - condition I now have to monitor forever. 
 

But we got through and entered a lovely stage of our joined lives raising our three kids, travelling and enjoying financial security. 
 

When the last of our kids left home I thought it would be like a honeymoon but it is not the case. He is partially retired while I still work full time due to the differences in our ages. He is silent withdrawn and not “present” at hen I get home. He has a lot of personal freedom to spend time on his hobbies and sports but on the weekends he doesn’t make any plans which include me.

for the last 2 years I have tried so many times to get his attention. I have had Botox in case he thought I was getting too old, I have taken medication in case he thought I was putting on menopausal weight, I have purchased new bras and knickers but he still did want to have sex with me. In 2 years we have had sex 3 times.  I thought he might be struggling with ED. 
 

I found out 3 weeks ago he has been going to a massage parlour since the end of Covid. He has been going on average 2 times a month, sometimes more, sometimes twice a week.  He has been with over 60 women paying them to do sexual acts with some of these women younger than our daughter.  The length of time he has been going, the money he has spent, the criminality of these acts and the disgusting betrayal of my trust is eating away at me. I can’t work, sleep, eat. All the time I was trying my hardest to get him to want me. 

I don’t know what to do. We have just sold our house and it is supposed to be a brand new chapter in a brand new place with a brand new us!!!  I am broken hurt betrayed and I can’t stop the images of him and those many many other women 

[Croix]

Dear ElleCee~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, as good move as if you look around you will see how others have coped with or simply left similar situations. Either way is hard.

Frankly I'm not sure you were on the right path trying to look attractive for your husband, I think matters must go much further than that. As you have been working and he has not you may not have been as aware of the change.

It looks very significant that he does not appear pleased to see you when you come home, or think of spending time with you on weekends. He had a 4 year relationship with  another (giving you herpes in the process and unpleasantness with the police), and now regularly pays for sex elsewhere.

From what you say the effect on you has been devastating, which is very understandable. If it had been a single incident that might have been one thing, however this seems to be a concerted line of action, during which he as had little regard for you or desire to be with you ,and deceives you as well.

I hate to be blunt but since the children have left home and you have sold your house you have found that what you thought you had is no longer there.

I do not know if you have discussed the matter with him, I would suggest you do and see where he thinks things stand, and at the same time letting him know the effect of his actions on you.

I would imagine you really only have two courses of action, try to live with this, or separate. Either way you will need support, it is a huge upheaval of all you have known. Do you have anyone , perhaps family or a friend, you can talk to frankly and have their  care and support?

I'd also suggest counceling to help you realise it is not you, but him, that is the trouble and help cope with those images and thoughts. I can suggest Relationships Australia  (1300 364 277) who may have an office near you - or know of a suitable one that is

If you would like to let us know how you get on that would be great

Croix

[ElleCee]

Croix

thank you for taking the time to post, for your considerate and thoughtful suggestions. You are most appreciated. 
I am taking some time to process and really sit with how I am feeling.  The last time after the affair the pressure was on to make a decision and then act due to being a parent of young and teenage children. 
I have a long way back into the light and a complex situation to navigate. 

ElleCee 

[Croix]

Dear ElleCee~

Yes it is different this time, having to consider what is good for young children hastens  decisions and they may not be what is best for you - instead what was best for them.

Now there is no pressure - other than your greif and unhappiness - to act hastily. Can I suggest before deciding you seek legal advice as to the consequences of separation, what is likely to happen. Similarly counceling may help you see the likely effect both on you and your husband if you stay.

May I ask if your children know about this situation, the length of time it has been going for,  and if so what their feelings are?

Croix