Dear Aussie Platypus,
I have CPTSD and I’ve had a few friendships (not relationships) in the past with people with BPD. In my case, part of my complex trauma was being a caregiver for a parent with significant mental health issues from a very young age, so I often seemed to end up in friendships with people with similar mental health presentations. My mum had some BPD-like behaviours (such as very strong emotional dysregulation) but I think she may have had DID from what I’m learning now. I think it’s not uncommon for people with BPD to attract to someone who seems like a kind and reliable caregiver because their attachment patterns can be very insecure and unstable and they want to feel as safe and secure as they can. Would you describe yourself as being someone who works to meet the needs of others? It’s quite common for people with CPTSD to be focussed on the needs and well being of others while not being very aware of and taking care of their own needs.
For me the friendships I was in with people with BPD eventually got too difficult to maintain. However, this does not mean your relationship cannot work. It depends on the capacity of each person in the relationship to take as much responsibility as they can for their respective challenges. Are you and your partner currently getting any therapeutic support? I also wonder if couples counselling could help, especially with a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable with trauma, as CPTSD is obviously trauma-related and BPD often is as well.
For both of you, emotion regulation and managing your window of tolerance will be really important. The window of tolerance refers to being in an emotionally regulated state within our nervous system. When we go outside of this into fight-or-flight or freeze, or also what is often called the fawn response in CPTSD, we become dysregulated and being in relationship is more difficult. Building skills in self-soothing, self-awareness and emotion regulation is important, as would be open and clear communication and healthy boundaries.
When you ask the question, am I too broken to do this, how are you feeling now in the relationship and have you been finding it a struggle? It’s hard to say more without knowing more about how the relationship is at present. Knowing whether you can manage it is something you will need to sense into for yourself, so someone else will not be able to make that decision for you. If it’s really taking a toll on you and you are carrying the full burden of your partner’s emotional instability which can happen with BPD, you will want to consider whether your system is becoming too unwell in the situation. But if you deeply love your partner and really want it to work, seeking professional support and guidance may be beneficial.
Also, it’s important to know that as much as you may feel broken in CPTSD, it is something you can do much healing from including repairing those parts that feel broken. I’m on that healing journey myself and gradually getting there. If your partner can really understand their condition and keep working to address the challenges they have, that will really help too. One thing I have learned is knowledge and self-education are really empowering and are often the way to feel you have efficacy in the world.
One thing you and your partner could look at is parts work and what is called Internal Family Systems, which is an approach that can be quite relevant to both CPTSD and BPD. It seeks to understand how different parts of us may act at different times, such as vulnerable child parts and protector parts. Learning to be aware of how different parts of us are reacting and getting good communication among those parts can help us both internally and in relationship with others.
Take good care,
Eagle Ray
