Boyfriends Only Fans Addiction

[TeaRose]

Hi,

I met my current partner 6 months ago and it’s been almost too good to be true. I went into the relationship knowing my values and being very clear how I thought about porn (think it’s disrespectful and form of cheating) and my partner agreed.

He was single for 2+ years before meeting me and had used only fans in that time. When we met and we spoke about it, he said that he no longer had an account nor watched porn.

Everything has been great since then and every aspect, and he is very much in love with me and vice versa. He has a great support network and even they know that my partner has never been so head over heels over someone before.

Fast forward to this weekend, my partner got a new phone (a few weeks ago) and left his old phone at home when going out the other day. Being curious, I went on and found he had a secret Instagram account (had no reason to think this) that he had used to find people on only fans. I was distraught when I found out - going on their pages every day he’s not with me since we’ve been together.

I confronted him and he was extremely upset and said that he wanted to get a new phone to have a clean slate and didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to do it on his own - although was struggling to stop watching it.

We’ve spoken about it in detail and he thinks it’s some kind of addiction to it and had even suggested to get counselling to help.. because he doesn’t want to lose me or us.

I know him doing this isn’t a reflection of me although it still hurts and make me not feel so confident anymore. I can’t even think about sleeping with him again after all of this.

I love him but I honestly don’t know how to even get past this. I’ve never been with someone that has an addiction so I’m in two minds about it. If I stay, how do I support him? And how do I make sure I’m okay in the process aswell? Will it be worth it?

Thanks in advance!

[HappyHelper88]

Hello TeaRose, Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened, I definitely understand how you must be feeling considering you have spoken about this together and believed you had the same values.
Thats good that he intended to have a clean slate but it does sound like he may have an addiction it is definitely possible. It sounds like counselling is a good option and if he is willing to go then it could be beneficial

I understand how you feel not being able to get past this as it can really affect you.
I guess you need to decide if you can live with this and then learn how to support him, if you cant live with this then you may have to walk away

There is no way of knowing if it will be worth it because we don't know what the future holds but if you really love him its worth giving it a shot.

And how do you make sure your okay in the process? Well you can decide to give it a try and if you are not coping you may have to walk away

I definitely think its beneficial for you to talk to someone also

All the best and I hope you find the support you are looking for. We are all here to help.
If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat here. Please remember to reach out whenever you need to.

[missep123]

Hi TeaRose,

I'm very sorry that you are going through this, it can be really confusing when you find out things like this. I also think counselling sounds like a really great idea because professionals are very good at opening the communication and finding the root causes of the behaviour.

Sometimes it can be very hard because our brain logically tells us that it isn't personal but our heart still hurts. That is a completely valid and human reaction. It sounds like you have been able to speak to your partner about this situation and that is a very good first step.

We are really here for you, please reach out whenever you wish to.

[jaz28]

Hi TeaRose,

I am sorry. I know you are probably feeling hurt and betrayed right now and that's understandable and valid.

I feel like porn and certain "vice-like" similar activities (e.g. smoking, drinking etc.) are very personal and everyone has a different opinion and response to it. If you do not like your partner watching porn, you have the right to express that, but they still have the right to do it. For example, my partner used to smoke cigarettes - I told him how I did not like it due to the health risks etc. (I have a chronic illness) and that it is just silly in this day and age. But, it is addictive, and addiction can be a chronic illness too. When my partner found out my feelings surrounding smoking, he chose to stop on his own accord, for his own health, and for our relationship. He also agreed to be completely open with me if he did smoke. He has smoked very rarely since, occasionally (socially), which I do not have a problem with because it isn't all the time (and I cannot talk cuz I tend to want to smoke/vape when I drink (oops! were not all perfect) and he tells me (does not hide it). But honestly, with my values, I could not be with someone who smokes every day and regularly, and my partner wanted to be with me so he chose to stop.

Keywords: choice and honesty. You cannot force your partner to stop doing something just because you don't agree with it. You can express your dislike, but that's as far as it can go. If they continue to do it, don't want to compromise or don't see how it impacts your relationship, it is time to reassess whether this person is right for you and if you can get past and accept their choices to be happy in the relationship. Only you know that though, and it can be upsetting.

I think the problem here is the fact he agreed with your sentiment - and therefore you thought he was on the same page as you regarding porn. The fact he lied and was dishonest to you, and covered up the porn, is concerning and hurtful. I would be feeling the same as you right now. If he chose to watch it, the least he could have done was to be upfront and honest with you about it.

Addiction is a chronic disease, so he should seek counselling if he believes he is addicted. Couples counselling can help if you are wanting to fix the broken trust. You both seem in love enough to push past this, but only YOU know your relationship.

Stay strong

Jaz.

[Bee1998]

Hi TeaRose,

I know exactly how you're feeling, as I have dealt with the same thing with my former partner of 2 and a half years. Now, I can't compare my ex to your current partner, as I don't know him, but what I can say is that I am concerned for you. Please don't be blinded by this kind of behaviour. It starts off with only fans, then leads to real life cheating. I know how much it ruins your trust for them, and it just causes serious issues down the track. You'll find yourself constantly needing to check their phone, and finding it impossible to trust them again. I hope you figure all of this out. I know it can be really hard to see someone for who they really are, because you love them, but please don't ever devalue yourself or forget your own morals and values. As you said, you expressed at the start of the relationship how porn makes you feel. Don't let someone stomp over your values like that. Know your worth so much more. xx

-B

[Fantastic_Mr_Fox]

i don't know if my 2 cents will help but here goes..

firstly i use phub not onlyfans. so i don't engage with the actors at all. i don't have an inkling on how onlyfans works.

from someone thats married, when left alone will spend over 2 hours a day watching porn. it is in no way a negative reflection on my wife in bed. i adore her, she is my best friend and means the world to me. i have a raft of mental problems depression/bpd/ adhd etc. for me i am just seeking the escape from reality and the dopamine is kinda nice. there is zero attraction towards the actors, and i would definitely not ever choose any of them over my wife even if they were thrown at me. from my experience i tend to feel inadequate for the majority of it all. theres always a bigger guy, he has a much better body, why cant i make my wife moan like that?... i tend to feel hopeless and worthless for the most part. but i find comfort in feeling bad about myself. In saying that communication is key.. you shouldn't have snooped, and he shouldn't of lied.

i have a different opinion to some of the replies. i have a far higher sex drive then my wife. we both knew at the start and she said if i wanted a side chick(s) i could help myself and to please just use protection with them. i have not taken her up on that offer and have zero interest in cheating on her. 

[Tinalea20]

Your a good husband for not wanting to cheat on ur wife.