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Effective communication and trust

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

We go about our business daily. We make judgements from observations and hearing of others. How often do we get our initial judgements wrong?
Making an error of judgement can cause conflict, in turn anger, guilt and enemies. We can do with less conflict.

I entered a doctors surgery today. My hearing is impaired but it is damaged in a way that a hearing aid would not help. The lady behind the counter was speaking on the phone and said "yes you'll have to fill some forms in". I thought she was talking to the person on the phone. Anyway this mismatch of communication followed on. Eventually I took the forms, filled them out and returned to the counter. I apologized for misunderstanding her and explained my hearing problem. She accepted it gratiously then admitted that she also has partial deafness hence she couldn't hear me fully either.

Ten years ago I likely would have lost my temper. Since a decade ago I've come to the realisation that most people mean well, have issues physically, emotionally or with communication that effects their dealings with others. That alone is justification to give others the benefit if the doubt.
I want to mention men. In 1973 I was trained as a recruit by a ex Vietnam veteran. He was tough, ruthless and brave. But fastrack 48 years with working with other men and I know in most cases (not all) there is an emotional and insecure side to men. Some will never show it, others will display snippets but its there.
The problem is, these men can also do a great job of hiding it at a time when conflict arrives. They sound fearless, are prepared for physical fighting and certainly won't show emotion. But with the right techniques of quietly speaking, support and effectively tapping into their inner self, one can reverse his lion like behaviour. But its a fine line.

What I'm eluding to is there is often a window of opportunity with people, men and women, whereby one can defuse conflict. Separation of people or distracting often works.

The message however is that things are sometimes not as they seem. An angry man can be threatening, physically violent or verbally abusive. While none of that behaviour is acceptable there could be a desperate, frightened or depressed soul inside.
Giving the benefit of the doubt that they need help allows an extra chance at a peaceful ending... avoidance in the first instance is preferable.

Do you have difficulty giving others the benefit of the doubt?

TonyWK

2 Replies 2

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

I will do anything to avoid conflict, often apologise when I have done nothing wrong.
if both people admit they contributed in misunderstanding like in your story, that is helpful.

However if the other person insists they are right always right Znd insist you are wrong all you can do is admit you are wrong and be a doormat or argue back and have a conflict.

I like these sentences you wrote.
What I'm eluding to is there is often a window of opportunity with people, men and women, whereby one can defuse conflict. Separation of people or distracting often works.

Do you agree that there isn’t always a window of opportunity to defuse conflict for everyone and every situation .?

Hi Quirky

Your question- "Do you agree that there isn’t always a window of opportunity to defuse conflict for everyone and every situation .?" Certainly a "NO" there. As a 21yo I was the youngest prison officer ever in a large maximum security jail. My intial naive approach with prisoners was to look for that opening, that opportunity especially when they had a need. The best case for this came along. A inmate knocked on the cell door one night so I opened up the trap door. He was in tears and upset that his pregnant girlfriend was due to give birth and he couldnt support her being in jail. So I chatted for a while then grabbed a apple and sandwich (without other guards knowing) and he was most grateful. A few days later I mentioned him to another officer... "yeh, did he tell you his girlfriend was about to give birth? funny that, she been pregnant for 2 years." Apparently he played the trick on all new officers so he could get extra food.

In that environment you cant afford to trust anyone. In some family situations

  • you might not know the motive behind someone's aggrieved attitude (jealousy is a common motive)
  • some people have their mind made up before meeting up. Their decision on their approach might not be flexible

That doesnt mean I'm negative. In fact I constantly and automatically look for openings to defuse but accept sometimes there isnt any.

Finally, some situations are not salvageable. Best to move on and not expect to save the world.

TonyWK