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Bf’s SIL makes me feel insecure

itsjaycee
Community Member

I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and angry to be around my bfs sister in law which is rarely, but still when we’re both at the same event. A few years back, my bf & I just had our kid when he got a photo taken with her when he was out for a family dinner which she then put it up as her profile picture. I found out through suggested friends on fb for some weird reason. Trust me he copped it but we argued about it. He says they all took photos and she also took a pic with his brother, reason being was they found that branded clothing was cool (she was in Kmart cheap clothes, couldn’t afford anything branded eg Nike, Gucci). My bf didn’t think it was a problem as he’s never had a gf but me (I’m his first). He apparently told me he didn’t know right from wrong and so on. Up until this day I don’t like her..at all over this. He has reassured me there were no other intentions. She knows he has kids and a wife (YAS ME) But what are her intentions? Am I overthinking this?

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

A long time ago I had a new boss and I didnt like him at all. After 3 weeks he approached me and asked "what do you think of me" I answered "I dont like you at all, what do you think of me"... he answered "Argh, ask me in 6 months time".

 

6 months went by and I asked "what do you think of me, you told me to ask you in 6 months".. he said "I like you very much, what do you think of me "I like you also". Then he said "see what happens in a period of the first 6 months, your initial judgement changes because you get to know the person."

 

That taught me a big lesson and since then I've stuck to that same process of waiting until I get to know people longer and every time I do my initial opinion changes to a more positive view.

 

In the case of your situation, if you only see each other at the odd event then you need much longer than 6 months, maybe 2 years and in that time try to tap into her in a friendly way so that if it doesnt work out then you have tried very hard to find out who she really is.

 

The other issue I see is the expectations or obligations you place on your BF. When someone goes to an event without their GF/BF they want to live life happily and carefree. To do this there should be an element of trust built up that allows this to happen. A man that gets a pic taken of her BIL is not a crime, the same picture put up on her FB profile picture could well be a act of endearment to her BIL. I cannot see any reason to argue about that at all unless there was others evidence that he and/or she showed inappropriate behaviour. Re: "He apparently told me he didn’t know right from wrong and so on."  What he is saying here is - he didnt know about YOUR rules. He obviously behaved as he normally would (and thats a good thing) but is now subjected to rules he didnt know about. These "rules" is your boundaries of obligation that you expect him to abide by automatically without any knowledge of them on his part. This can be seen as unreasonable and inflaming when there is innocence on his part. 

 

Even though you both have a child etc there is ongoing learning from each other to get to know each other more. Tests come along whereby one of you could seem to portray hurtful behaviour to the other. This is where trust comes along and also giving other people like his SIL- a fair go. So instead of reacting negatively and suspiciously towards other people with little evidence to go by, I'd suggest you go the other way and give - the benefit of the doubt. This lady is a member of the family like yourself and it is proper to welcome her without such suspicion. Also think about the fallout this could have- the divide of you and your BF, brother against brother, brother against SIL and so on not to mention the tension at any family event.

 

You can save yourself a lot of embarrassment as well. Some family members would be arguing "it was just a picture"! or "He's my brother in law and friend not a lover". 

 

Discuss the boundaries you want with your BF (eg kiss on cheek never lips. If giving a female a lift home never enter her place. If a girl is holding him too tight or too affectionate- create a few inches distance etc). Let him know the boundaries then place trust in him from then on.

 

You dont want your BF going to events and worrying that you will find out a pic was taken and he'll get into trouble... that isnt healthy, thats fear and lack of trust.

 

TonyWK