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Being ignored and put down

Niks85
Community Member

Hi there

Thanks heaps for listening. My husband and I have been through alot together but this past year has been unbearable. He used to be very loving and supportive of me but that all changed when he found out he couldn't have kids. We both had counselling and decided we would do Ivf using a donor. Now we have a gorgeous little girl and he does seem to love her. Last year his company folded because of Covid and now he's just not the same person. I've tried to talk to him but he is the most stubborn man Ive ever known. He has always liked his own space which I always give him but lately it's like he just wants to be alone all the time. He ignores me and puts me down it's like I'm being punished. He doesn't believe in counselling. I'm busy looking for voluntary and paid work we just moved to the country so I can keep busy. I actually can't bare his company and I definitely don't feel loved. I have thought about leaving but I have nowhere to go. What do you do in this situation? My mum and dad came to visit us the other day and they commented on his behaviour too it was like he wanted them to leave. I'm unhappy and stuck at the same time. Any advice appreciated thanks N.

13 Replies 13

Katyonthehamsterwheel
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey N

This sounds like a really difficult situation and made more so if your partner won't communicate with you. When you say you've tried talking to him, have you been able to say how you feel? Even if he won't share his thoughts? Perhaps if he was aware that things have gotten to the point they have, from your perspective, he'd be willing to talk about it.

Kind thoughts, Katy

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Niks85

Sorry to hear things are so hard for you. The difficulties of having children and then your hubby losing his business because of covid can all take their toll. Do you have anyone you can talk to, e.g. a close friend?

Being ignored and put down is awful. I know what that feels like. My first hubby was like that and I did try to explain how I was feeling, but of course he wasn't into wanting to do anything about it. So I left and made a new life for myself - have been with my 2nd hubby now for 40 years.

When you say you have nowhere to go - does this mean you can't financially make a change? When I left my first hubby I put money aside each week from the grocery shopping to get the airfare to leave the city. It took awhile, but I planned it out and made it happen. Went to a new city where I lived in a hostel, knew no one, but thankfully had a job.

You say he does't believe in counselling, how about yourself. It sounds like you could use some assistance in helping you decide how to move forward in your life - i.e. whether you stay or leave, and how to make either of these work for you.

Hope some of this helps Niks.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Niks85

I'm really sorry to hear about the issues you're experiencing with your husband. I'm not a doctor or professional MH practitioner, just a mother and wife of 30 years. For what it's worth, here's my take ...

I think you likely are being punished because you have something he doesn't, fertility. My guess is that it's on a subconscious level, unless you think he's prone to being irrational and cruel. To add to that, your poor husband has suffered another serious blow--losing his job.

I can't help but guess that he might be struggling on many levels to do with his idea of "manhood" and what a man should be able to do and what a man should be able to provide. (I could be totally wrong here you know him best. Does this make sense to you?) From my experience, should statements are a common pattern of negative thinking that affect mental health.

None of that means that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't value the marriage and your family. If he is "just not the same person" since losing his job, it is entirely possible--given what he's been through--that he is experiencing a mental health condition.

Many people, like your husband, are reluctant to seek help. Could be stigma, fear or his beliefs. I guess the question is, do you love him?

If you love him and want to repair the relationship, you might want to suggest marriage counselling because a life with someone you "can't bear" isn't much of a life. Maybe if he realises how his behaviour is affecting you and that you are now struggling he might be open to it. This might also shift the discussion from "you have a problem" to "we have a problem", which might make him feel less pressure.

I don't know if this advice will help you, just my thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you

Guest_1055
Community Member

Hi, I know what it is like to be ignored. It hurts so very much. So if its hurting you.. I am sorry. I do feel for you. I am not sure if your situation is exactly the same as mine, but I am in the process of learning to not take it personally.

I think a little similar to Sumner Rose. In that losing his work would be a big blow to him. And also the fact of the fertility issue. He may even see himself as a failure. A huge let down to you. He may even feel humiliated so it is hard to show his face around your parents. I am just speculating and going off some things that I have learnt.

I would say don't take it personally ( like I am slowly learning in my marriage)

He may need space to work all this out in his head, like what he now shall do etc.

I care and being ignored can feel like a knife in your very soul. But he may really love you, and is just so full in his head with the other stuff. May simply need your understanding there. Just my thoughts

Niks85
Community Member

Hi PamelaR

Thanks for your reply. I have spoken to a friend of mine who is in a similar situation good to have someone to talk to. I'm doing a course so I can get back to work to support myself and daughter if things get worse. It could be a while before I can leave that's if things don't get better. I want to work it out for my daughters sake but it's definitely difficult right now. I still care heaps for him he's just so difficult this past year. It feels like money means more to him than love and it feels like he resents me. I'm not perfect either but I do derserve better treatment. I worry about leaving because he's financially supportive and I haven't worked for the last two years. Thanks again for listening

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Niks, and I'm sorry that in your marriage your husband is behaving the way he is, it certainly makes your position to be very uncomfortable and deeply regret him not being able to have children and realise the disappointment, but after IVF you now have a beautiful daughter, something you both cherish with all your heart, never the less from what has happened he has changed to be another person.

By being like this he wouldn't appreciate your parents being present, only because he may feel as though they are intruding on his territory, but all they want is to see you and their granddaughter, which they must be so proud of.

You can separate while living under the same roof, which means you can apply to Centrelink for an income, irrespective of how much you earn elsewhere if that's possible, then C/link can provide the bond money and two weeks rent if you and your daughter want to move in, this money you slowly pay back to them, however, this is a way to have a break from him.

You need to take into account staying with him and him paying financial support in a difficult situation or moving out and being able to help improve how you are feeling so you can support your daughter, the way you really want to.

Please ask any questions you like.

Geoff.

Hi Summer Rose

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you're saying. I've tried to be understanding of his situation. I'd love to continue supporting him during this time but at the same time I can't see him changing because he won't get help. I've tried talking to him about how he speaks to me but he still speaks to me in a nasty manner. It's like he's angry and resentful towards me and it's becoming very unpleasant. I don't really want to leave especially because he's a good dad to our daughter and before all this happened he was very supportive of my mental health condition. I do love him and care about him but I can feel us drifting apart and he is such a closed book I don't know what to do. I'm thinking if he doesn't get counselling I will and decide then what to do. His friend told me he's crazy about me but the way he treats me doesn't feel that way. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Thanks again N

Hi Katy

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I have tried talking to him. About a month ago I told him how I was feeling he said great then went to bed. It's so hard to get through to him. He's very nice towards our daughter but very rude towards me. He has become so negative and impossible. We were out as a family the other day and all he kept saying was that he'd rather be out fishing. He's so happy around his friends but it's like he doesn't want to be around me. I'm torn to be honest.

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Niks85

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

I really feel for you. I have no doubt that you have been supportive of your husband and more than patient. What I really like is your strength, because you know that you “deserve better treatment”. And you are spot on.

To get the treatment you deserve in the relationship he needs to change or you need to go. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I can’t see much else in between.

He is very lucky to have you still willing to work on the marriage. Marriage is really hard, so is parenthood.

My husband and I have experienced and overcome many significant issues over the past three decades. So, please know that you are not alone and it is possible to work through issues if you both try.

I think your idea of speaking with a counsellor is a good one. The counsellor should be able to give you advice on how best to communicate with him and hopefully reach the “real” him. You might even be able to get him to attend a session or two with you.

But don’t ever be hard on yourself. You can only do so much. Your husband has to come to the party and I really hope he does.

Kind thoughts to you