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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Beach26 Super confused lost and anxious
  • replies: 6

Hi, I’m female in my 20’s I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years ,we are engaged due to get married this year. Recently have moved into our new house. Our relationship was great until we got engaged and I feel like I’m owned. My partner I belie... View more

Hi, I’m female in my 20’s I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years ,we are engaged due to get married this year. Recently have moved into our new house. Our relationship was great until we got engaged and I feel like I’m owned. My partner I believe suffers with depression and has anger bad when he drinks in which he will not get help . And I become the target over the years I’ve had a lot of mental abuse to which has lead to me having anxiety and depression from this. I’m now a lot stronger than I was 2 years ago, as he has said a lot of nasty comments towards me over the years and his anger worry’s me. I have realised I don’t love him the way I used to and feel like it’s more a friendship . As he only wants to be intimate when it suits him. I have made an ultimatum that he needs to go and speak to someone otherwise I can’t get married. I’m so anxious and stressed and I have no idea how I would go about our house. I can’t really talk to friends and family as I don’t want anyone to know yet. Wondering if someone had any advise when it comes to the house, as he is super money driven loves money more than me sometimes. And I know it will get nasty hope someone has some advise x x

Jason_B Please Help
  • replies: 6

I would like to say thank you for your help and comments posted back in 2016. Over time it has been up and down. We both agreed to get help through Relationships Australia. However things have gotten worse. I am crying for help..as I do not know what... View more

I would like to say thank you for your help and comments posted back in 2016. Over time it has been up and down. We both agreed to get help through Relationships Australia. However things have gotten worse. I am crying for help..as I do not know what to do. I want to fight to keep my marriage and family together. Like I stated in 2016, I am not writing this to make me sound like an angel. My wife is angry, hurting and can’t bare to look at me or at times be around her. We have been married for just over 16 years and have 2 beautiful children. I met, fell in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life and want to grow old together. I will say up front that I lied to my wife on our wedding day and I acknowledge what I have done was wrong, stupid and I never gave her the choice of knowing and was arrogant into thinking of hiding it. I am gutted and wish I could have changed it but I can’t. My wife knew I was previously married and divorced. I hid information about a debt and bank account and did not disclose the information until after the birth of our first child. I am not excused but I was embarrassed about failure of a marriage and I took the debt to get rid of my ex out of my life. Through my stupidity of not telling her about the debt has caused the rocky path we have taken ( a form of affair) a lie, deception and lost trust between us. I have also failed my wife over the past 15 years by not taking her out on date nights, going to some work functions by my self, not including her at times. My ‘Actions’ of what she expects from me I have let her down. She is hurting or I have hurt her deeply, to the stage when we argue, I am constantly reminded that I have never put her first in our marriage. Additionally we have not been able to buy our house or I have not taken my family on holidays. These are key needs of my wife. Again my ‘Non Actions’ has failed my marriage. I know I am a failure and failed her. By me being around her makes her ill . Seeing me reminds her how I have failed as a friend, husband and I lied on our wedding day by not disclosing the debt. I know I have not been her ideal husband who has made mistakes in the past and regret. It’s hard when you are judged on every ‘action’ or failure to act. I am loyal and faithful to my wife and children. I do not want to lose them. But I do not know what to do to save my marriage

_today_ Need some advice
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I really need some guidance as i'm completely lost as to what to do. A few days ago my wife told me that she is not in love with me anymore and that we should stop to pretending that we are not unhappy in our marriage. She gave herself 12 mon... View more

Hi all, I really need some guidance as i'm completely lost as to what to do. A few days ago my wife told me that she is not in love with me anymore and that we should stop to pretending that we are not unhappy in our marriage. She gave herself 12 months to decide whether we could be happy with each other or not. To be honest i know what she is saying is the truth, neither of us have been happy at all for years now. But we kept on going for the sake of the kids and our own comfort. I feel i am no where near where she is in her head given how much time she has had to process it all. We have both made individual efforts over the years to try and fix things, but we are both bad communicators and have never tackled the issues head on. Plus we both have issues with depression and anxiety and it seems like when one of us is good the other is bad. She has already taken her wedding ring off and is sleeping in a separate bed, which i'm finding very degrading on my self worth already. I have spoken to her about marriage counselling to see if there is anything we can do to try and salvage it. My main worry is that if we don't do it i will regret not trying the rest of my life. She didn't seem to think it would achieve much as she has absolutely no romantic feelings for me anymore, but hasn't ruled it out completely just yet. But it does seem like she has made up her mind. My head is filled with so much regret and so much fear. Yesterday i spent a lot of the day crying wondering how we are going to tell the kids, just the thought of having that conversation with them gives me the same feeling as when someone close to you has died, so sad about the fact that i wont get to put my son to bed and wake him for school everyday. I'm lost as we have been each others best friend since the day we got together and going to counselling may destroy that as well. It just sucks and i have no idea of what to do. My world feels like is just imploding in on itself and any experience or advise would be much appreciated.

tayla0 Severe anxiety about getting back with my ex partner
  • replies: 2

I was with my partner for 2.5years. He was my childhood sweet heart in the early years of highschool and we re connected when I was 23. Everything felt magical. Like the flame from highschool returned. Things were going great for the first 6-12 month... View more

I was with my partner for 2.5years. He was my childhood sweet heart in the early years of highschool and we re connected when I was 23. Everything felt magical. Like the flame from highschool returned. Things were going great for the first 6-12 months. then he started to form little white lies that he would keep from me. I would find out and be super disappointed. I always forgave him. He kept up the lies, mostly around money/gambling. Every time I confront him about these lies, he gets really aggressive. He mentally abuses me and then when he sees how upset I am, he completely does a 360 and apologises and wants us to be happy. This has been occuring for 1.5 years now. A week before xmas he lied to me again, my whole family found about his antics and they are not happy with him at all. They used to love him.I eventually went back to him as I was staying at my mums house for the week to help me clear my head. Him and I spoke and we decided that 2020 will be full of new beginnings. After having this conversation, I found out anther lie. He had deleted msgs & calls from his work collague. I packed up all my stuff and I left. He is saying nothing happened & he would never go there with another woman and I believe him. When I was with him, I never completely trusted him because of the lies.Now that I have packed my stuff, he is suffering. He has packed up his stuff and is living in his car & says he is moving overseas as there is nothing left for him here. I am due to move in to a flat on my own. I'm scared of feeling lonely. I have always had someone with me. He is given me 2 wks to make up my mind whether i am going to go back to him or not A part of me cant live without him and I wonder if I will regret not choosing him, as he is promising so many amazing things for us this year. I am suffering from huge fomo. I'm worried that he will move to another country and I wont have any contact with him. I'm worried ill miss him like crazy and want him back. im worried about him moving on and then not wanting me back. A part of me is scared of this change of being alone and finding me more about myself and what i want in life. He is an amazing, kind, generous funny man with a few issues and I think he will do right by me this time round. I'm worried ill be so heart broken and not get over him if he leaves. He is telling me to move on but i know he doesnt want that. i know he loves me and wants to build a future and a family together. can someone shed some light pls

Nothappyuni Co Dependancy highly addictive and destructive
  • replies: 4

Hi, You know how we all want that spark when we meet someone, that feeling that this person completes you in every way? I met that woman, not only was she stunning to look at, but she made me feel complete, on top of the world. There were warning sig... View more

Hi, You know how we all want that spark when we meet someone, that feeling that this person completes you in every way? I met that woman, not only was she stunning to look at, but she made me feel complete, on top of the world. There were warning signs that I ignored, there were incidents and indicators I can look back at and see now, but I was in love- madly and deeply. Or so I thought. 25 years on and it had become the most bitter, twisted, hate filled relationship. I worshipped her (my co-dependancy) I wanted to be her everything. I believed I could convince her she was beautiful and intelligent and could do anything she put her mind to. She was incapable of making any decisions, could not find a single interest (other than our children), hates her job but refuses to leave, believes herself stupid and ugly, hates her life. She was scared of so many things and depended on me to protect and support her. I became her punching bag, the only person in the world who she could be her true self with, her insecurities were focused and projected upon me (her co-dependancy). In my mind I was helping her by taking all the abuse, justified because often we had sex after. This worked for many years, till she stopped being intimate with me. She had become so used to projecting on me that I was no longer her husband, but had become everything she hated about herself. I was called: stupid, unattractive, insecure, controlling, and abusive. In the depths of my co-dependancy I took it all in, believing it all. By the time I left her, I hated myself beyond all reason. I have seen lows that most people could never understand nor comprehend. But the addiction of co-dependancy draws me back to her, makes me believe she is the one and only person for me, it makes me think of only the good, believing she abused me because I deserved it. We have all heard of the wife that returns to a husband that beats her, and we all shake our heads saying she is insane. Mental abuse is just as bad, and infinitely more subtle. That 'spark', that click or completeness, is often an indicator that this person fills a need within you that is not a healthy need. The broken parts of you are screaming for this person. With time those needs will surface, the words and actions of your co-dependant partner didn't fix anything, you have to fix these things yourself. You have to do it the hard way to grow, not depending on someone else to support you, or you to support them to feel needed.

Alex001 Long Term Relationship ending
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I had been in a relationship with my (ex) gf of 5 years. We are both in our late 20s and grew up knowing each other. We were in a long-distance relationship since she was was located in Europe to finish her studies(2 years remaining). Despite... View more

Hi all, I had been in a relationship with my (ex) gf of 5 years. We are both in our late 20s and grew up knowing each other. We were in a long-distance relationship since she was was located in Europe to finish her studies(2 years remaining). Despite the distance we had a loving and affectionate relationship. We would be in touch with each other every day. We would visit each other each year. I began noticing that things were a little off in the recent months. My girlfriend would suddenly break contact with me or provide me with passive aggressive messages to make me move the relationship forward. She also mentioned that she saw couples help each other by being together. A few days later she initiated contact and we resumed our relationship. I do understand she expected some firm commitment from me. However, this was also the time I lost my job and sank into deep depression. Marriage was not my immediate priority. I started looking for jobs in Europe to be closer to her (if not in the same city at least close-by). All I needed was some time and patience from her. Since November our relationship began to deteriorate. She has a crucial exam in January and wanted me to be with her to support her. Although I was happy to take a break and support her, I was not happy with the way she was communicating. She would frequently have an emotional outburst and blame me for not being supportive, not moving the relationship forward and being selfish. I would find it difficult to control her anger. She would send multiple texts and phone calls where she would be abusive. Over these manic episodes I would be patient and try to rationally explain the situation and try to calm her (to no avail). These episodes would last for hours. She also would demand that I come to her to help her. In the end, I would be scared to take any calls or messages from her. Breaking up was difficult since she would threaten self-harm. At the same time, I still loved her and wanted to help, but she was making the environment hostile. She also refused to seek any professional help. A week ago, during one such manic episode, I asked her roommate to call emergency services and intervene. Since then we have had no contact. Currently I have guilt for not communicating well and moving the relationship forward, sorrow for not being there to help her and wonder if I could have communicated better. I would like any advise on how to cope with this situation and thank you for reading this.

Overmygrind Emotions, thin skin and over the daily grind
  • replies: 1

I consider myself eager to please and very sensitive.... I'm also pregnant so emotions are high... Today I had first fight with in-law and it totally has killed my enthusiasm for 2020.... Not even half a day into the new year and I'm treated very bad... View more

I consider myself eager to please and very sensitive.... I'm also pregnant so emotions are high... Today I had first fight with in-law and it totally has killed my enthusiasm for 2020.... Not even half a day into the new year and I'm treated very badly.... So angry and hurt, I'm not going to let MIL near my new child

contrarymary Can't show any emotion
  • replies: 3

I was brought up in a household were no one showed any emotions e.g. no signs of affection and we did not talk about things. When I was 18 months I was sent to stay with my paternal grandparents and because my father was scared of his mother and coul... View more

I was brought up in a household were no one showed any emotions e.g. no signs of affection and we did not talk about things. When I was 18 months I was sent to stay with my paternal grandparents and because my father was scared of his mother and could not say no I stayed there until she died when I was 10. I then went back to my parents who were strangers to me. Nothing was discussed it was not the done thing to speak about problems no hugs given. So of course as I have married and had children I can't speak about my emotions. I can hug my grandchildren but not my children. When I meet my sister's I don't hug them but they hug each other I just can't do it. If someone tells me sad or exciting news I don't know what to say. I would so much like to tell my children who are in there 30s that I love them. My husband is like me whilst we love each other and have been married for 40 years we don't show any signs of affection and never have. My parents were strict my father a soldier who treated his children like recruits- beaten for speaking out of turn or making a noise hence I don't speak unless asked a question and then only say what's needed. I tell people nothing about me at work I am regarded as aloof. I just can't talk about myself or initiate conversation. Is it too late for me I am 65. I am scared to speak to people as when growing up I was always put down or told to shut up. We went to the airport to pick up my cousin who I had not seen for 20 years and all I could say was good flight no hug, other people there meeting people hugging and kissing why can't I show emotion

Dicko32 Am I sub consciously sabotaging my marriage?
  • replies: 3

This is my first post and I’ve just got on here to try get some opinions of people with more experience and maybe an outsiders view of the situation. So here it goes. Ive been married just over a year, my wife and I have been together almost 6 years ... View more

This is my first post and I’ve just got on here to try get some opinions of people with more experience and maybe an outsiders view of the situation. So here it goes. Ive been married just over a year, my wife and I have been together almost 6 years and we have a 14 month old son. My wife regularly gets upset/angry with me because of what she sees and my poor attitude. I snap at here, or don’t speak nicely to her and I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It all boils to a point then explodes in a massive argument and I shut down, I can’t respond like I lose all words in my head. I can sit and think the words I want to say but I can’t make anything more than generic babble come out of my mouth. I just freeze up. I’m scared to bring up how I feel as I’ve never been able to express my feelings and just generally don’t really talk much. The only time I do is when she brings up an issue and I “deflect” and bring up my issues only in response to her. I never bring up if I have a problem otherwise. I’d rather avoid the conflict and just get over my issues. But I think that just builds up and makes things worse. She’s completely fed up and I need to change or be better to save our marriage. In the past I’ve always blamed it on my inability to communicate, or money worries or just general worries. I seem to always have an excuse according to her. I recently saw my GP to discuss how I’ve been feeling , stressed, sad, anxious, completely in-motivated and very short tempered. The GP seemed to think it was Annadonia an inability to feel joy but I think it could be more. Or maybe I’m just finding another excuse. i just don’t know what I’m feeling or how to express it. when we argue I always start angry and ready for a yelling match but once I stumble through a few sentences I always end up thinking it isn’t worth it and my wife is right and I am the cause of all the problems. Is she right or am I just submitting to try and end the argument? I would never be able to say any of this verbally, but in written form I can detail every single thing. I feel like I just shut down when in an argument and figuratively roll up and cower until the argument fizzles out. We’re at breaking point and after telling her I’m trying to change and I want to fix it so may times those words mean nothing to her now and she always says that I don’t care and we’re just co existing more like house mates than an actual couple. Are we doomed? What can I do to get myself out of my own rut?

stinkyrat The Truth is Bad?
  • replies: 3

Hi there. I've been reading these forums for a while now and only really took the time to make an account now. I've been struggling with feelings of rejection after being open about my feelings concerning my mental illness (which is real but still in... View more

Hi there. I've been reading these forums for a while now and only really took the time to make an account now. I've been struggling with feelings of rejection after being open about my feelings concerning my mental illness (which is real but still in the stages of being detemined exactly what, they've menitioned borderline or bipolar or both.) Since I started really working on being treated, I've been more open and honest about my problems to my family, my friends, my partner and the people I work with. But more often than not, me wanting to talk about them just makes things 100 times worse. My partner takes my insecurities as his own faults, my job is now in the stages of firing me after having a meltdown a couple of months ago and explaining that I have a problem and am now on medication (just very mild SSRIs), and I'm just at a loss of what to do. I feel like I've just put my life down the toilet, even though I'm being more honest and open about things as I have ever been. I feel compelled to explain myself all of the time because there's no other way to explain my reactions to stress, and yet it puts me in a hole I can't dig out of with the people around me. Now I feel like they think I'm using my problems as an excuse to be lazy/inefficient/unable to be independant. It's putting me back in the same position as I was before starting real treatments for a completely opposite reason, so I need to ask - is lying to these people necessary? Should I save my troubles for my psych when I see him from now on? How do others cope with similar situations? Thank you in advance and I hope your holidays are going well xx