Been alone all my life.

[Peter56]

I am 61, never been married and have lived on my own since my mid 20's. At school I never had any girlfriend and I wasn't given any direction or taught anything about how to date. By the time I left school and entered the workforce that was a male-dominated industry, my pattern was set... In my teens, 20s, and 30s it made me thoroughly miserable and incredibly lonely as female company didn't seem like an unreasonable thing to want, yet seemed as improbable as winning the lottery. The skills required appear to be something learned in adolescence and if for some reason you don't acquire them, the whole area of relationships becomes an alien world. In many cases I've suspected women of being put off by it with any interest being shut down. As one age I suspect it increases the difficulty of a relationship ever happening. Throughout my life, I’ve known that there is something wrong with me, but I just do not know what exactly it is and as time continues I feel a little more helpless and hopeless. From my experiences, being single at my age is a major red flag for the majority of women when you get to my age. It's bothered me so much that at one stage I even considered suicide, but sought counseling about it and my social life in general. I had 2 uncles both on my mother's side and another on my father's side that never married and I've had always believed I inherited a poor set of genes that have resulted in this. I realise that the only way I can imagine to stay alive is learning how to live with it and learning to accept myself. I worked most of my life, own my own home and now that I am retired life has become very lonely and depressing. At my age now I realise I'm going to go through life without having a girlfriend as I'm simply too old now. I have another maybe 20 years to live in this world and I've got to be able to learn to live with this fact and at the moment it's not easy. Life's just not meant to be sometimes, I didn't choose to be born in this world, I didn't choose to go through this in some ways, its natural selection playing its part and I have to fully accept it. Buts it's very depressing, almost like grieving knowing my life will have to be this way. No one will miss me when I'm gone.

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Peter

I wanted to reach out and say I can deeply relate to what you have said here, and it's very hard. Oftentimes all we want in life is someone to love us, and its the one thing we can't control, no matter how hard we are prepared to work for it, wait for it, etc. Loneliness hurts.

I am sure that you have already done the standard things to try and address it, such as social clubs, rotary, perhaps rescuing an animal as a companion, volunteering with local organisations, etc so forth (which although this may not find you a lady, would certainly find you friends). But I understand this doesn't take away the longing for a special relationship. It is hard to watch others have so easily what you want so badly, and are constantly denied by life.

I am very lonely myself, as I am 37 and live in a rural town that is full of families - very few single men here! But my house is here, my job and my life, and I don't want to leave (no guarantees I would meet someone even if I moved to the city anyway). But I do related to the innate sense of loss and grief you are describing. I sense that it would be made all the worse for you since you have retired; if you don't have anything to get out of bed for, depression sets in very quickly. I truly hope you are involved in some community organisations in an effort to alleviate this; I do a fair bit with the local animal rescue and it has made such a difference in my life, being able to save animals and find them new homes.

I don't have any solutions for you, other than to say I hear your story, and feel your sadness, and truly hope you find companionship in some form, whether it be animals, friends or a special lady that may come late into your life.

[blondguy]

Hi Peter......(Thankyou jax_in_my_heart for your wonderful post)

Really good to have you on the forums with us! I do feel your pain as my relationships were usually short lived as a result of ongoing anxiety for 37 years....so I turn 60 in 2 hours and still never been married...I understand your feelings on this....with or without any anxiety health problems

I dont think that not being married is in our genes at all....yet I do believe that we follow our parents behavior where upbringing is concerned

If you want to have a chat you are always welcome Peter

Just a note if I can....The forums are a Safe and Non Judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being are paramount to Beyond Blue

Being lonely is awful Peter...I hope we can help provide some support...We may not have instant message capabilities yet we are here for you

my kind thoughts

Paul