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Anxiety about my wife

Bart10
Community Member
My wife cheated on me years ago and I tried to forgive her and give her a second chance but I never really learnt to let go and didn't end up giving her a proper second chance. Recently we split up mainly because I had never learnt to let go. As soon as we split she went back to the guy she cheated on me with but someone sent me The messages she wrote to him. I wasn't so upset that she was flirting with him as we had split up but she said she loved him the whole time she was with me And basically disrespected our whole relationship. After reading the messages I wasn't angry with him or upset with her but frustrated at myself for not letting go the first time and giving her a proper chance to move on and I decided I want to be with her and actually give her a chance this time she says she wants to make it work too is am going to a councillor soon but at the moment I struggle every time I'm not near her my whole world is broken and every time she leaves the house I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack
5 Replies 5

Jas1973
Community Member
Hi mate. I can relate in a way as my first marriage of 17 years ended when my wife cheated on me. The marriage was totally over and I moved on. I had a few non serious short tem partners after that which I was fine with moving on from. It wasn't till I met my new wife who I love dearly, that my anxiety hit hard. I struggle with her contact with any male and do my best to cover it up. She knows I struggle with it even though I know deep down she is not the sort of person to cheat on her partner. We have a pretty open book when it comes to social media and I noticed she had searched a couple of guys she knew years ago. When I questioned her about it she said they were just friends and that she does have a past with friends both male and female and that I need to stop beating myself up over things like that. It still makes me sick to my stomach thinking she is slightly interested in other men's lives as innocent as it might be but don't know how to stop the voices that manifest my thoughts. I wish I could be as complacent as I was with my first wife but don't know where to start to get myself to that point. 

Bart10
Community Member
Yeah thanks mate this is why I am going to seek professional help to find a way to move forward in still not sure if I should even give her a second chance but I feel like I'm broken at the moment and she is the only person that makes me feel better. Im lucky in a way I have been pushed to seek help and as nervous as I am about seeing a shrink I think it's in my best interest. I mean I know my life isn't that bad but it all just seems so meaningless and until I can learn to trust again I'm going to be in this bad head space and I know it will have a domino effect on the rest of my life

Jas1973
Community Member
Yes I think seeing someone will open your perception of what is good for you and what could be potentially poison. At the start of my breakup I just wanted to die but with suport from my brother and sister, I seeked help to gain some self worth and purpose. You do however have too keep building on it or you can slip like I have after getting into a new relationship. I have massive trust issues regardless of the person and it's something I want to be rid of. You sound like an amazing guy for giving her so many chances and I hope she does right by you if that's what you choose to peruse

Hey Bart, I feel for you mate about the isolation that a cheating partner can make you feel. And its real.....and its bad news. I keep giving (similar to yourself) and sometimes there is nothing coming back . I also was really freaking out when I found out it was happening to me....twice. I have been told to 'learn how to let go' and sometimes it just doesnt work. I had to use time as my healer.....and it took ages....sorry I am not much help .

You are stronger than you think by getting on here Bart.....Nice1....and Hang In There

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Bart, thanks for opening up to us as it would have been very difficult whether or not you feel as though you are
able to do so, and yes what you have said seems to be a familiar post, never the less each one deserves their
own attention.
My personal opinion doesn't seem to change from person to person if someone you are married to or been in a long term
relationship if someone has been having an affair, and in your situation if she went back to the person she was cheating with after
you split up, then there would be no way I would let her back into the marriage, simply because you would never know
where she was, no matter what she said to you, and remember you need to see a councillor for your anxiety attacks
because of her.
I caught my wife ( ex ) ringing from a public phone box three times so from there on I never trusted her, so I rang
her at work and continually checked up where she was, and at this stage I was suffering from depression.
She had moved into another bedroom and barely spoke with me, so what I should have done was end the marriage, but
being depressed I couldn't until finally she divorced me.
I still love her even though we no longer live together and that was about 13 years or so ago, so that's why I am
saying that my marriage should have never continued.
You too can still love her, but the constant thought everyday of 'where is she' and do 'I believe what she is saying'
and 'why does she need to go there' will be an everyday nightmare for you, sure you love her but can I ask you a
question, if and when you have an argument, disagreement and she storms off where is she going to go. Geoff.