Am I taking things too personally?

[alifewasted]

Hello, not sure exactly how to start.

I am an outspoken married female. I am passionate but will not tolerate injustice and speak up. I am married to a man who presents as sweet, kind and gentle but he is actually narcissistic, scheming and passive aggressive. I have an adult child who holds a great deal of resentment towards me as she sides with her father. My husband always presents himself as the victim. Even if he loses his job, it's not his fault, it's mine and I am then required to work 7 days a week so we don't lose the house. My adult daughter rarely helps out and has no compassion towards me, just him.

Today he decided to tell her that I was having an extra-marital affair with an 18 year old. Hmm! He then went on about the other men that I had apparently slept with. None of this is true and ironically, his lies did not bother me. What did bother me greatly though was his intent - his malicious intent to further wedge my daughter from me. I have put up with his laziness, his refusal to socialise (no one visits and no one invites us over anymore), his refusal to even visit his own family, and his refusal to come to hospital when I was rushed there with a suspected heart attack. He told the paramedics that he had work in the morning. Hmm!

So I now sit here alone. My daughter couldn't care less about how I am feeling and my dearest husband just keeps feeding her more propaganda about what a horrible human I am. My daughter's response hurts me. Her father has done nothing for her as I did everything. Even taking her to friends was too laborious for him.

In the past, he has hit me. No one believed me. In the past and present, he has mentally and emotionally abused me, and once again, no one has believed me. Apparently I am far too bold of a human for anyone to try to abuse.

I am now a shell of a human. We have no connections to his family, my friends all disappeared as I kept having to cancel them due to his refusal to have anything to do with them, and my family are elderly. He berates me for my appearance, and when I began to start looking after myself, berated me again for spending money. My daughter is downright rude.

I have no one. But I don't believe that I deserve to put up with this because of financial pressures. Dearest husband losing his job three times really set us back financially and he will go after me with a vengeance with any financial settlement.

Husband is a psychopath. Daughter has ripped my heart into pieces.

[alifewasted]

Hi Gen, I so need to connect with people that understand and don't judge. Put downs have been part of my relationship with him from the time I can remember. It was in 'jest' but looking back, it was a way of putting me back into place. Recent dealings with him have certainly confirmed that.

I need new friends and a new start!

[Cornstarch]

I am so sorry it has come to this alifewanted (it is a new day, and I took the liberty to change your name, bossy I know).

It is completely warranted that you are feeling angry and resentful. I would be very concerned if you were not. It sounds like you have been carrying them for a long time and may even have been taken advantage of. You are such a generous person, and I hate to see a user squander your good heart.

I think that he is not good enough for you. End of story. If he wants to take you to the cleaners that indicates to me that when he chooses a partner, money was always high on the priority list, with no regard to how that makes the person feel. That is a horrible, selfish act and I do not respect it.

I truly do not understand your daughters side unless she has similar personality traits to him. Narcissists will employ all sorts of tactics. If they are not playing the damsel in distress they are feigning strength. Manipulation on the pendulum swing. Today you may get texts telling you that he is moving out and moving on. This will not last, what a load of rubbish. As you said when using the word 'parasite' , they simply cannot be alone. The only way that they can survive is by having someone to control and to put down, they always come crawling back, especially if you are the best offer they have in terms of providing them with a lifestyle that they feel utterly entitled to because of their big bad pain. Worse than anyone else's don't you forget it.

I am gobsmacked by your 'friends'! Gobsmacked. You referred to wanting new friends that were not judgmental. If by any chance alifewasted is brilliant and has been rewarded with the types of jobs brilliance brings I do believe that you may be living in the Land of White Bread. It can be very lonely, all of that middle class gaze and respectability. Until you have been pushed to an extreme end of DV or mental illness, they simply cannot understand how even the strongest person can become absolutely unrecognisable to themselves.

If you have made mistakes your husband will feast on them and some people in The Land of White Bread will judge you. I can't sugar coat it. You're too smart for that.

BUT, do not underestimate the compassion and understanding of other inhabitants in The Land of White Bread that have had similar experiences and know exactly how one can lose oneself. Despite where you come from.

We're out there, you just gotta find us.

There are beautiful guys out there waiting 4u.

[Melfunction81]

hi alifewasted, I just wanted to say that this really resonates with me. I was in a three year relationship with an abusive partner. I left him once after he did something really bad and stayed with my dad but as always he sucked me in with promises he wouldnt keep and after that my friends and family all disowned me. I ended up alone with no one to turn to until in May this year after when after a domestic dispute the police put an end to it all by issuing a family violence order.

It was the best thing that could have happened and although Im struggling with other demons at the moment I am finally starting to get back on my feet.I get that you have been in this relationship a lot longer than what I was and have a child but now that she is an adult I think you should think about yourself for a change

People have posted about getting counselling but only you know if this relationship is worth being saved. You do sound like a very strong woman who could cope on her own, I do not believe the disrespect of your husband and daughter when you are doing so much for them. Does your adult daughter work? If not maybe its time she did and started chipping in so she can see how much you actually do for everyone.

I hope that you work something out because you definitely do not deserve to be treated like this.

sending my love your way xo