Am i a bad person?

[v1990]

I'm 26 years old and have struggled with very low self esteem and depression for several years now. I had started to feel a lot better that last couple of years - i guess i matured and realized the things i was once worried about actually didn't matter as much as i thought.

More recently though i have had a lot of issues with friends, mostly people telling me that they don't like me, ignoring my texts and coming to town to visit friends that live nearby and not telling me.

I have one friend who i met through my boyfriend who, for as long as i have known him, every 6 months or so goes out of his way to make me feel awfu, tell me im a bad person an wants nothing to do with me and then all of a sudden will be kind to me again. I had managed to try to avoid him where possible, until i became friends with his girlfriend. And she became one of my best friends! it was one of the first times as an adult that i had had so much in common with someone. Over time though he would get angry at her for spending time with me, or barely talk when we did see him, and then one day out of the blue she told me that everything he said was true, that i'm a bad person and wanted nothing to do with me.

She did apologize but i am truly unable to forget such hurtful things. Now another couple of our friends who are friends with them also are not returning my texts and won't see me. I am beside myself. I feel like i am being bullied and feel so lonely.

I know in life you aren't supposed to get along with everyone but it breaks my heart, what is wrong with me? I value my friendships so much in life yet i feel like no one values me at all and i just don't know why. I am kind and caring and all i want for everyone else it do be happy, yet i always end up being let down and made to feel like i don't deserve anyone.

It makes me paranoid as i feel like everyone talks about me behind my back and i now find it very hard to open up to anyone as i don't ever know if what i say will be turned against me. I feel like i am in primary school again when my friends used to 'run away' from me and not speak to me for days.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? I really don't know what to do. I don't think i am doing anything wrong, but now i really do doubt myself. It seems like inevitably, everyone ends up not liking me at some point in time.

[Doolhof]

Hi v1990,

Relationships are not always easy things to understand or to hold on to. I don't know why these people feel this way and realise it is very hurtful for you to be told such things.

Maybe you could call the phone help line here and the counsellors may be able to help you to feel better about yourself.

It sounds like you make friends easily enough. Don't give up on people. I have had friends whom I thought I was very close to and then I just don't hear from them for months or maybe even ever again. We can't make people like us, it is their decision to do so or not.

I don't really know what to suggest about future friendships. In the mean time look after yourself. Take yourself out to the movies to a café or where ever. I take myself out for lunch sometimes and to the movies and enjoy the fact I can then do exactly what I want.

On this site is a thread called The BB Café. You might like to check in there and have a chat with people on line for a while. It may boost your confidence and self worth.

In the mean time, be open to new friends and possible old friends coming back into your life.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[topsy_]

Hi v1990

I went through a time when I was a single mum raising my 3 girls when I was basically home bound & nearly friendless. I couldn't afford to go out & had no transport.

The thing that helped me the most is that I started to "collect" pen friends. I looked forward to the mail each day & became quite close to some of my letter writers (this was before emails). The cost of a stamp then was very reasonable.

I'm sure you could google pen friends & try to establish friendships that way. The idea is there for you to use or discard.

I hope someone realises soon what a wonderful friend you are. There must be genuine people like yourself out there.

Take care, Lyn.

[Neil_1]

Hi there V1990

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here with your post.

As soon as I read your post a couple of things sprang to mind.

Firstly the part where you said you had one friend who would go out of their way to make you feel awful. I call full stop at this point. This person is definitely NOT a friend. They’re a bully and an evil one at that, as apparently at other times, they’ll try to be kind to you – which is baloney. They are definitely not your friend and definitely not worth your energy to be near them.

Also got me thinking that this person seems that they could be quite influential over others as well – perhaps the “ring leader”. Because it wasn’t too much further down the track, where this person’s girlfriend then “turned on you” after you had made a good friendship with her. Easy to think here that this ring leader person found out about the friendship and then used his evil cunning to talk you down to his girlfriend; and I would think he’s done this to other friends as well … hence your fall-out with others.

I think that is a nasty vicious circle of people, possibly being dominated by one main bully – I’ve seen this happen before and it’s downright disgusting, how people can be that way. I have no idea why a person can be instilled to come forth with this kind of awful behaviour.

That’s the bad side to this and I truly hope that you are able to wipe your hands of these people – to remove them out of your life.

You didn’t mention too much about your boyfriend, but I’m assuming he’s still there and that you two are going along really well – I sure hope this is the case. Does your boyfriend know the extent of what’s gone on and how it’s made you feel?

Also, as Mrs Dools said, it appears you have the very good knack of making friends and so with this trait, I hope you’re able to move in different circles in the future, so you can hopefully become acquainted with some quality and genuine people (cause there are a lot out there).

Would also love to hear from you again.

Neil

Ps: forgot to answer your question: NO, you are not a bad person.

[pipsy]

Hi v1990. Having read and re-read your post, then reading the answers I concur with everyone else. The people you're talking to are quite disgusting and (I feel) full of their own importance. These people have not helped with your feelings of not being 'good enough'. I would go so far as to say, you're probably more of a warm person than they are. It's possible they feel jealous of your kind nature and want to make you feel worse because of it. I assume you are working, do you have anyone at work you could consider a friend. I think also, I'd be inclined to be a bit cautious with your bf, I realize you may not want to hear that, but I have to wonder why he is allowing these people to hurt you. They are friends of you both, but what is he saying to them behind your back? Perhaps you'd be better to steer clear of these toxic people and try to cultivate friends independently. Maybe you could join a social club without your bf, see if you get better friends. Like the others, I do not consider you a bad person, I just think you haven't met the 'right' kind of person for you. We're all unique and special in our own way, don't let these people allow you to underestimate your own self worth.

Lynda.

[Fox_tail]

Hi v1990,

I kind of understand you as I am the same age of you.

I do noticed the mechanic of friendship changes by age. A friend of mine have shared this post to me and frankly it seems to be a nature and subconsciously inside us.

The friend you met from your boyfriend could be called a "toxic" friend who would like you see you fall and vulnerable. I can't explain why but could be jealousy. These people won't worth for your attention and you should just kick him off the mountain.

Be yourself, don't try to please everyone to make friends. The right people will come to you in right place. Friendship comes in steps and we can't force or rush them.

I don't have many friends but I have a handful of genuine helpful friends were we can fully trust and rely on.

Please do keep us updated your friend situation and I really hope the article helps explain a bit about friendship behavior.

all the best