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All you wanna do- the end of the affair

Community Member

This is my first post and I feel very vulnerable and sad so please be kind. I'm already being very hard on myself.

I (36 F) have been married for 8 years (together for 13) to a man who is a lot older than I am (25 years older to be exact). We have a 5 year old son.

Bit of a cliche story I suppose- we've not been connecting well over the last couple of years, largely divide and conquer with parenting, very little physical intimacy. I've been quite unhappy for the past year or so as he has become very critical (and I am quite sensitive to criticism). I feel like I walk on eggshells often and do a lot to appease him and try to make him happy or at least not upset with me.

Through a random work connection, I met a man who I instantly enjoyed talking to. It very quickly became an emotional affair. We live in different cities but within a couple of weeks of talking constantly, he made a trip here and it became physical. It was very intense, talk of love, wanting to be together, and offering me a very different life- one with a true partnership. I took a trip to see him this weekend (which my husband believed was a work trip) and I could feel that he was a little bit off- which he vehemently denied. But sure enough, this morning he sends me a text (ouch) to tell me that he just can't cope with the guilt and is ending it.

I am SHATTERED. I had already come to the conclusion that I would need to make a decision about ending or staying in my marriage independently of wanting to be with him or not but I truly believed him when he told me that he loved me.

I feel so angry and upset and betrayed that I fell for this complete fallacy and feel like all he wanted was a physical relationship. I'm so hurt and it's triggered a spiral of self loathing, of feeling rejected, like I'm never enough, never worthy.

I don't have anyone in my life that I could talk to. My best friend would be the one person I could confide in but she has completely cut me off recently. I know she's been struggling with her own mental health and this is how she copes but I feel so alone and like I have no one I can talk to. Everything feels very difficult at the moment šŸ˜ž

thanks for 'listening'

11 Replies 11

Community Member

So, Iā€™m pretty sure I got love bombed by this guy- all of this rings very very true


It made me feel a bit better to realize it.

Community Member

Hi KateHow

Affairs are very addictive. The dopamine hit combined with the intoxicating mix of excitement, danger, and the happiness of having a new friend is overwhelming. Reality and good decision making go out the window.

Fundamentally, affairs are unstable.

Some people thrive in chaotic environments. But when chaotic, creative and unconventional merge into; narcissism, dishonesty and deceit. There is a problem.

We learn from our mistakes.

Learn from this experience and think about what you want, who you are as a mature woman; what you value in life.

If you decide you want to end your marriage, do seek professional help! A marriage councillor can help you plan through the transitional stage of leaving your marriage living as a single person.

A marriage councillor can advise you on how and when you tell your husband about the affair.