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Adoption

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi everyone,

Last week driving my son to school there was a story on the radio. I burst into tears and all of the feelings of worry, guilt, grief, fear, anxiety and wanting won't leave me.

Ryan Jon posted a thank you to his biological mother on mother's day to thank her for putting him up for adoption. The story spread like wildfire because it hit home to so many.

But me... It left me feeling crap.

Why?

Because I asked my Mum (who was adopted in a closed adoption) to ask for her medical records. This means court because when she was very sick as a young Mum they refused to allow her access to records.

I have medical issues noone in my family has. And I have two kids of my own and I want to know if I have to worry.

I don't want to know them. Maybe I'm a terrible human being but unlike Ryan Jon I don't have any compassion to give them.

Now I'm pushing my own Mum away. Because four months later the discussion has been ignored. Nothing has happened and I feel like I don't have the right to demand the records myself because I wasn't the adopted child.

My Mum made it clear she has never discussed it even with my Dad. That the issue is a giant can of worms that I'm too scared to force open and hurt her even more.

I admire the bloke on the radio. He has a much bigger kinder heart than me.

Just had to get this out. It feels like poison in my head and heart.

16 Replies 16

SassyJ
Community Member

Hi,,

I think I'm in a similar situation and really needing some advice and want to hear others opinions also on this situation.

My mum is adopted, raised by amazing people. I feel its always affected her, my upbringing and her treatment toward me was not the best (some physical and metal abuse). In my teens I talked to her and always showed interest in finding her mother. She started to then stopped. In last 2 years my aunty got right into ancestry and started the journey again with success informing my mum throughout the process. Once she was found mum said she didn't want to contact her but if I wanted to I could, so my aunty called telling me the news with her number I had so much running thru my head and so many emotions so i called her.. then kept my mum informed with everything after that so there was no secrets and she could tell me how she felt.. I ended up meeting her (2months after the call with a few txt in between) with my hubby and children. Unfortunately after that things went south with my mum, complete anger, resentment, hate towards me. I'm left so confused and at a loss what to do. Obviously I have no clue (and have expressed that to her numerous times) that I can't imagine her pain or begin to understand her feelings and what she's going through.

So I'm struggling with Mum telling my aunt and me that I could get in contact with her, I was keeping everything in open with her so she could tell me her feelings or let me know to stop or not meet her (but was never told otherwise) and a couple of weeks after the meeting she lost it with me telling me that I should have checked, if she didn't want anything to do with her that means I dont have the right to know/meet her or my children. She says she doesn't like me or trust me as it wasn't my right to do what I did. I'm devastated seeing my mum like this, I'm struggling to understand as originally she said I could???

Family is huge to me that's our roots our heritage, I'm also compassionate to mum's biological mum with her life and how it all got to be, I know I'll never know what mums going through and feeling. I suppose I'm lost as she was telling me one thing obviously feeling another and I acted thinking she was fine with it and now she's so hurt.. I just don't know...

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi SassyJ and welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your story too. I'm sorry to hear you are in such a painful position but I also felt somehow reassured that I'm not alone.

Are your adoptive grandparents still alive? Like you mentioned my grandparents were truly wonderful people too. When I learned of mum's adoption I began to also learn how Mum saw the issue of adoption. It was clear even wanting to know her biological parents was considered traitorous. It meant disrepecting my grandparents and belittling the fact that they chose to provide a loving home and family.

We were expected to feel rejected and angry and hurt. To reject Mum's biological family because they rejected us.

The only reason I was able to ask finally was because my grandparents have passed away. I can't hurt them anymore. But sometimes I think I can never truly comprehend how painful Mum finds this topic.

At times I've asked her if I find information do you want to know or not. She never replies. I suspect there is a need/want to know but also a strong fear of rejection/hurt/shame/anger. It makes her unpredictable at times.

Do you wonder if that might be happening with your mum too? That she is fighting conflicting emotions. It must be hard to feel rejected and know your child has been acknowledged and accepted but you were not.

My Mum lashed out once and was honest. She said it feels like I'm rejecting her too. That our family isn't good enough so I'm trying to find another one.

That has stuck with me... That at the very heart of the issue for Mum it all comes back to rejection.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but I do know the feeling of hurting a parent and it is horrible.

Is your Mum open to having a cuppa and to clear the air? It did help Mum and I to do this. I needed her to know that I'm not trying to replace her.

None of this probably helps but it did help to write.

Welcome. I hope you keep writing these forums are a supportive place.

Nat

Hi all,

Well it's been a year and not much has changed really.

I read a thread on the forums about adoption and it opened up all sorts of hurt so here I am again.

I jumped through the hoops of getting the paperwork and letters needed from my Psychiatrist and Rheumatologist and Mum said she had submitted the request. That was about a year ago. Nothing has been said since.

Part of me has accepted Mum hates having her adoption brought up and that if she hasn't said anything by now her biological family have most likely just refused access to medical records yet again. That part of me says just let it go.

The other part of me knows I have done something my Mum would hate me for. I got a DNA test. Found a match that is very closely related and contacted them. Amazingly she replied and told me that she had female family members with the same autoimmune condition as me. I was right to be worried about my kids. It seems to pass on mostly to females in her line and I have a daughter.

I didn't feel I needed to dig any deeper. It helped me to see I do want to know more about who I am and yet that doesn't mean I want to be involved or meet relatives.

But it has left me feeling angry and guilty and even resentful. So I find myself avoiding my Mum. I feel angry that my family made my request out to be an overreaction. And now I know I needed to worry.

Above all I'm angry at myself. I should have just said nothing, done the DNA test myself and kept the results quiet. Instead I've damaged my relationship with my parents.

Haven't spoken to my sister in over a year and don't intend to change that. She will be furious if they find out about the DNA test and I've had enough of being told to put everyone else's feelings above my own.

There is an old thread here called Adoption is a Curse. I'm starting to agree with Splodge on this.

Hi quercus

The older I get the more angry I get from anyone that violates peoples rights, furthermore if they expect others to perform to their whim.

Briefly, when my brother took his life over 40 years ago as my parents were old fashioned they couldn’t take the stigma. So mother made up stories about how he’d passed away. Two years ago when interstate, relatives there were shocked when I mentioned the truth. For 39 years they believed a lie.

Id read the letter he left and attended the coroner court for the suicide verdict. The point is, no one should be forced to lie.

And no one should be denied their family tree. And for me, if I was you I would stand my ground and complete any investigations I could, it is your history.

Sadly your family unit has been damaged but if it wasn’t this issue it would be some other issue such is the complexities of “family”. They can have their rights if keeping the skeleton in the cupboard as you have the right to inspect its bones

TonyWK

Thanks Tony,

I really appreciate your reply. It's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one feeling so angry.

Your family covering up about your brother's death sounds like an unintentionally cruel thing to do. I get that everyone copes the best they know how to. But it makes me angry too when someone decides 'what is best' for the whole family. That must have been so hard on you having to go along with your parent's story.

Investigation is a sore point for me too. Mum told me when I first raised the issue that until she dies I don't have the legal right to request anything formally. It has to be her. So DNA and ancestry websites are the only options.

Although I got my most important question answered searching raised more questions. The biological relatives I spoke to couldn't work out how we were related either which implies affairs or rape. It left me feeling a bit sick really. I had to close my account because we couldn't afford it any longer.

Reading another thread here has set me off a bit too. I feel angry generally for everyone hurt by adoption. I made the mistake of re reading a document I saved on my phone. An apology from the government for those affected by forced adoptions. This includes the Stolen Generation but also non Aboriginal people.

My Psychiatrist's wife told me she was involved in researching the importance of history on people's wellbeing and the impact of adoption on all parties. So I know what I feel is valid and very real.

But I feel like the negatives are downplayed all the time. I am perfectly aware that if they had chosen abortion I wouldn't exist and yet that always seems to be brought up. I'm aware we were blessed with a loving family and are fortunate. But that doesn't mean I loved my Grandparents any less just because I feel lost and confused.

I'm tired too of being told how I should feel.

Thank you for letting me vent and rant and showing understanding anyway.

❤ Nat

HiQ

We've recently done our family trees. Heritage is far better than ancestry BTW.

As an ex PI, have you tried knocking on doors next to your family members? Many old neighbours might recall who was whom?

Your mum might claim you have no legal right but I dont even take opinions from trusted loved ones- things change all the time. So message is- dont take no for an answer. Keep ploughing ahead.

Also, death certificates marriage records are freely available. I got my brothers death details online free and the inquest details total cost is $39 in Victoria which are about to arrive by mail. All from our public records office.

here is yours in WA

https://www.sro.wa.gov.au/state-records-office-western-australia

good luck

TonyWK

Hi White Knight Not sure how you came up with your rating of MyHeritage but Ancestry has a far far bigger database especially for Australians. I have very few matches and even less close matches in MyHeritage (2,258 matches), where as Ancestry I have 18,848 matches (415 close matches). One advantage of getting Ancestry is that you can upload your raw DNA Data from Ancestry to Myheritage, Gedmatch , FamilyTreeDNA, 23andMe etc but you cannot upload any of those to Ancestry. Ancestry has a far more accurate Ethnicity base than does any of the others certainly far better than MyHeritage There are many Facebook sites dedicated to this research notably CCMoore's DNA Detectives & DNA Detectives Down Under. Most Australian Facebook sites would recommend Ancestry & uploading DNA to other sites as more cost effective & productive and my experience.