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Abuse - I am drained and scared for the future

EndieAnnie
Community Member

First time post for me. It been a long time coming. Typical woman who puts up with crap. I feel like a maid and a servant who gets zero appreciation, only verbal abuse.
If I look back it has always been the case, what makes it to the point of where I cannot continue now, is the very occurrence of verbal, belittling words.
I feel I been strong through the years and had the ability to get through it. I honestly feel stupid now to have thought it might get better. It is just spiraling down. Now, to the point of not even acknowledge the fights, sweeping them under the carpet, almost always, as I know the fights get relentless if I either comment of them. I just shut up (most of the time and let the ride go past). It is so wrong.
A few times it has gone beyond words. I been physically abused. Threatened. Most of the time it is belittling words.
Overseas two years ago he physically abused me and I was ready to leave. He is the loviest guy otherwise…of course..never left.
.
Years of heartache with infertility, but luckily to be blessed two kids, 11 & 8. I just turned the big 50 and the thought of having somebody constantly put me down in front of the kids it what have tipped me over the edge. He is ruining our children because he cannot restrain himself with verbal abuse, do not blink an eye to it it infront of them. I can stomach a lot but I cannot accept what he is doing. It drives me insanely mad that he cant control the words. I had said countless of times to be quiet but that just fires him more.
I cannot give anything more.

Financial, scary. How he will behave if I leave scares me. I just have to leave for my kids so they wont hear his horrible rants and I feel absolutely exhausted from it. I have realised that the only time I look forward to is when is not at home.
I am so scared and I don’t really have a back up. My mother is getting dementia and my father is overseas. I feel guilty that I m trying to get financial advise to see where I stand when I leave. I feel guilty to get all the papers copied so I have a back up. I feel that I am going behind his back. What is the first step to take?

I am scared but the thought of continue the rest of my life in the same way scares me more.
Only one person knows how he is for real.

Thanks for listening.

15 Replies 15

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi EndieAnnie,

Thank you so much for posting on the Beyond Blue forums today and welcome to this warm and kind community. We think that it must have taken a lot of courage to write your story and we want to thank you for being so brave. You never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience. While your story is your own, by sharing your thoughts you have made it easier for others to do the same. Thank you.

We are concerned about you so we're contacting you privately, but if you'd like to reach out to our counsellors directly you can call them on 1300 22 4636, or reach them online, here.  

No one should be treated like this. You are an amazing person who deserves respect, and you should never have been made to feel this way. We want you to know that there's support to get you through this. We want to encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT (180 737 732) as soon as you can to discuss your next steps. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing family violence and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way. 

It sounds like a really good time to chat about safety planning with them. If it's hard to access these services online, there's a few apps you could search that are a bit more discreet such as Daisy and Positive Pathways. There's more info here on the 1800RESPECT page on Safety apps. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We're sure we'll hear from our amazing community soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Isabella_
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi there Annie,

I can see from reading your post how strong of a person, woman and mother you are, and I'm so proud of you for opening up about what you've been going through. It really sounds like you've had enough, and you're realising what you and your children deserve, and that's a difficult and amazing thing.

Feeling guilt is natural in your situation.. He has had immense power over you for a long time and going against that and his control is a scary thing. You following your gut and getting things in order is incredible.

I hope you can consider this place safe for you to share, seek advice, vent and feel heard and supported in your journey. I'm here for a chat whenever you need it and I'd love to hear from you. I hope you consider the resources linked by Sophie helpful for you to look into. If at any time you feel threatened emotionally or physically, please contact 000.

Wishing you all the best Annie. ❤️

Thank You Isabella. I hope there will be some movement and change in the near future. I will cherish everyone's advice and support.

Mum Chris
Community Member

Hi EndieAnnie

I feel your pain fear and confusion. Be very careful with how you leave and make sure you have everything copied and keep yourself safe. I suggest calling domestic violence hotline and getting help. 
Get help leaving don’t feel guilty he’s put these feelings on you so he can keep you because he needs the audience.
Keep posting be careful and don’t on you are planning to leave. He’s probably very aware anyone would be trying to leave that’s why he’s escalating.

As you may have realised I was where you are and it’s scary.

MC

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi EndieAnnie,

As someone who has been in your position, my heart goes out to you. “I feel guilty that Im trying to get financial advise to see where I stand when I leave” - do not feel guilty for trying to protect yourself against a person who treats you this way. Rather than feel guilty, you need to feel angry about the way someone who supposedly loves you speaks to you, how he puts you down in front of your children, how he tries to tear you down and make you feel worthless. You will get to a point where enough is enough, and it sounds like you are at or close to that point. I think you know now that it doesn’t get better over time, it just gets worse. It took me a year of planning to leave my abusive ex, because I was afraid, because I didn’t have the strength, because he told me that I wouldn’t make it on my own so much that I believed it. But it was all designed to keep me down. I saved up enough money and applied for rentals while I was at work. And I moved out of our apartment one day when he was at work, only taking the essentials and starting over. It felt very strange at first and I even went through the whole grief of remembering the good times. But I also felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders,I realized all the anxiety I had been carrying, the constantly walking on eggshells. It was the emotional scars that took the longest to heal, but it was nice to be healing. Over time I began to love the quietness of my life, how each day was predictable, how I could eat what I felt like and watch what I wanted on tv. But if you aren’t there financially there are also women’s domestic violence refuges for that reason. You will be around women going through a similar thing and surrounded by people there trained to help you. I’m not sure whether your husband does it but controlling people can often track your phone through apps such as “find my iPhone” so I would make sure you don’t have that app on your phone or iPad and turn off all location services just in case. There’s no rush, you can take your time, but you need to start getting a plan together for if you decide to leave. I also suggest that you call the domestic violence hotline for advice. You can call from a pay phone if you prefer. And please don’t feel guilty, you are clearly such a loyal person but someone who harms you emotionally or physically does not deserve your loyalty and doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi endieannie, just my feeling, but u will be so grateful for any documents or evidence u got, abusive ppl make 8t very hard without evidence and try and do things without eecord

Protecting Urself is NOT going behind his back

Thank you.

Hello EndieAnnie, it doesn't matter whether he is 'the loviest guy', especially when he physically and emotionally abuses you, even in front of the children, there is no sustainable balance and the two aren't acceptable because his flaws will dominate and become more frequent even in the most unusual times.

A great deal of good advice has been mentioned, so I hope I don't repeat this, however, once you are able to move on, how he behaves is not any concern of yours, unless he contacts you, so perhaps an AVO placed on him may be advisable and block his number and keep your new address private.

Anglicare provides housing for people like you in this type of situation and can advice you on financial matters, they were extremely helpful with me, although my situation was different, it doesn't matter they will be able to help you with your existing utilities etc.

Just a suggestion try and make sure he has no idea of when, where or how you are going to move, it needs to be private and only trust your closest g/friend.

There must be more you want to ask, so please do.

Geoff. x

Juliet_84 I feel so much that what your describe is what happen similar to me for sure. and the outcome...sound so nice. I just want a day to day life where I don't have to walk on eggshells.
Thanks so much for your words.