A depressive loop and A broken family

[Terry73]

This is my situation, I have been separated from my Wife for nearing 8 years now, we have 2 young children (at the time of separation, they still young, but not as young anymore), their ages Were (at time of separation) a daughter of 2.5 years old and a son of 8 months old. After being told by my Father-In-Law that my wife didn't want to live with me anymore (the only reason I have ever been given for the separation), they took the kids and stayed away for 2 days before coming back to change the locks on the family home, effectively locking me out, despite me willing to co-operate peacefully for the sake of our children, which so happened to be on my very Birthday that year. Since then the only contact my wife has made to me is demands for things like signing the divorce (which I haven't for fear she will manipulate it so I am signing away my rights to our children as well), or for saying that she was upset I didn't buy her a birthday present the following year after our separation. She had moved house, not telling me where she had moved to, changed her number and in the last year has blocked my last chance to talk with her through Facebook. I had made many attempts over the near 8 years to try and regain contact with our children in a peaceful, mature and civil manner, but she never responded to any of my reasonable requests including sitting down together with an independent person (Justice of the peace for example) who could keep our children's best interests while working out a parental agreement/custody order. Privacy laws stop me obtaining addresses and contact information from Government Services (Centerlink, Child Support, etc), so Lawyers cant send documents to her in regards to solving the issue, so no custody order can be initiated, meaning courts and police cant intervene because there is no breach of order.

This has me feeling depressed (my opinion), I can't maintain work as I feel there is no point to it, I can't seem to move forward in my life as the issues above keep pulling me back, I can't seem to form a lasting relationship as I cannot marry again due to already being married, I am not suicidal though, as I still know there is our children and much other happiness to live for as well. How do I get out of this seemingly endless loop? Also been suggested to see a GP, but I don't have one and no one seems to let me know how I can get one, at least to confirm I am actually depressed or if it is just something I am using as an excuse.

[Terry73]

Hi Paul,

Until I have this sorted out, for good or bad, I think my sleep will stay much the same, but I am coping with it anyway.

As for the court order mediation, that is really a given, which I have realized after my Wifes last stunt of removing the last possible way I could contact her directly. It is just getting her address that is the issue that is holding up proceedings. I have thought about sending a letter to her via the School, but that also worries me as she is manipulative enough to convince others that she "never happened to receive the letter". Court proceedings is inevitable because any form of mature, civil discussions, she is not going to comply with, as she hasnt taken my advice on the issue, making so it is fair, safe and looks after her interests in the children as much as my own is looked after, over the last 8 years. My plea was that just her and myself, and some official that we are both not connected with, sit down in a room and discuss what we want for our children with the children in mind, the official is there for only 2 reasons, to speak up for our children should my wife and I get off track, and to witness any agreement we make. I made it as clear as I have written here, not abusive, not angry, just someone trying to seek a solution to our problem. Sadly she has chosen not to respond, that was 2 years ago when I had last made that request (wasnt the only time, but was the last time I had).

I really just want what is best for our children in the end, I miss them myself, I just wish to show them that their dad has not given up on them at all, that he is just "walled out" from their lives and that he will always be there for them should they want and need it, but I have to come to the reality that they would have been told that I have quit on them by their mother and by their mothers family.

The school principal I had considered, but I dont know what legal grounds I actually have in regards to that, and I feel that if I shouldnt legally do that, even if the Principal is sympathetic to my cause, my wife would find out and she would use that in court against me at a later date, and she has shown she is ready to manipulate the law to her own ends so far, so it is highly likely she would.

Its that old rock and a hard place for me it seems

Thank you again

Terry

[Quercus]

Hi Terry,

I am not well but I want to add your thread to my threads for when I return to the forums. Thank you for sharing more info with me.

My gut still says your kids need their Dad. Especially with a Mum this manipulative.

I found this on a WA gov website. Maybe it will help? It is about applying for the court to contact your spouse and serve them.

http://www.familycourt.wa.gov.au/I/if_you_cant_locate_your_spouse.aspx

It isn't right how you are being treated. Or your children. In your other thread you worry about hurting them. But she is hurting them already.

I hope you find a way to fight for custody. They are your babies too.

Nat

[Terry73]

Hi Nat,

I am sorry to hear you are not well, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Your advice is invaluable to me, as I was in confusion (relating to other post) as to which path is best to take.

I have had a look at the website you have posted, and it is in relation to divorce, not really on custody of the children. I am not going for custody as I believe that would be unhealthy for the children as they have a stable home and are attending school already, but I do believe I should have rights to see our children and for them to see me, which is a custody issue, which I still am confused as to what is in best interests for our children as I do not want them used as a pawn in this situation, nor do I wish for their lives to be interrupted and their childhood ruined simply for the benefit of the parents, including myself.

However that website has me worried as that may also be what path my (ex)wife has taken, and has manipulated the courts into believing that she has taken reasonable action to contact me in the past (hence why she asks things of me but doesnt let me respond). So I am seeing if the divorce has actually gone through from her end without my knowledge, if not then your option is a possible choice for me to take, and one I am most likely to take, if so, then I will need to confront the courts and ask why they have allowed it without further investigation or even their own attempts to contact me, in which I believe they would then look into it. I am fearing the second option there, as that may have an impact on the custodial rights of our children as well (even though it is a separate issue, I wouldnt count out her manipulating the courts again to her favor in that regard).

Anyway, I do hope you get better soon

Terry

[quirkywords]

Terry

I have just read this thread and your other one, Paul and Nat have given you support and helpful suggestions I cant offer much.

I have a friend now and adult who was in a position like your children had no contact with her dad until she was a teenager. What she did have was series of letters, this was back in the day before computers, that her dad written to her over the years but never sent as he didn't know her address. Anyway she treasures those letters as it showed he was thinking of her for all those years. It may not suit you, or even a letter inside a birthday card and when you finally have contact they will know you were thinking of them.

I think you are a compassionate person trying his hardest to contact his children and always willing to put his children's needs first.

I was so moved by your posts that I just wanted to say hello.

Quirky

[Terry73]

Thank you Quirky,

I have seen many of your posts throughout this forum, and I just want to say that I feel very honored you contact me on my problems, because your posts are always inspiring.

I have recently come to a similar conclusion, that I need to show my children that I do actually care, for their benefit. So far I make posts on my Facebook as a kind of record of me always considering them and missing them, so should the day come where they do get in contact with me, I can show them all along that I was thinking of them.

Another option has come to my head, I think it has been inspired by talking on here so I am thankful for BB for helping me sort this stuff out. The option is that I think I may be able to contact my children through their school, I was hesitant at first due to the consequences of their mother finding out and ruining it, but its not about her or me, its about our children that should be considered. I was thinking to not speak with them directly at this stage, merely give them presents and notes via the school, so they can know that I am still around and still care. I havent acted on this yet because it is school holidays at moment, so it gives me time to see if that is an acceptable way to contact them without resorting to a court process or "stalking".

I have also sent presents to them via my own parents without my ex knowing about it (as she thinks all presents are given to the kids by them rather than me) sadly also the children think that too.

I have had some good news, I only just found out (today actually) that our children still use my surname, something that has been worrying me a lot as I know what my ex and her family is like, I felt they may have been able to manipulate the system as they are doing in regards to avoiding a custody order from being made. I managed to see my daughter's name in a school photo posted on her schools facebook page, and it still had my surname, which was a huge relief.

Anyway, I am hoping my theory above works in regards to dropping off presents and such directly for the school to pass to them.

Again, thank you for your post and I do feel very honored that you spent the time to comment to this thread

Terry

[blondguy]

Hi Terry

Its really good news with your children and dropping off presents at their school 🙂 The school will see you as the caring dad you really are. Good1

Its off topic a bit....I just wanted to thankyou for supporting other people on the forums that are doing it hard and being there for them.

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Terry73]

Thank you Paul,

I find if I can help other people, it does help reduce my own worries, or at least distract me from my own issues for a while, gives me a temporary break from them that I need from time to time. You guys been great to me, so its only fair that I return that favor via other people, hopefully it catches on.

Terry

[Terry73]

Hi Paul,

I wanted to add that I have yet to drop off the presents to my children via their school, I am just making sure that it is a good option and that it isnt wrong in doing so (in best interests of the children, legal, etc). I cant see why it would be illegal since there is no custody order, I cant be breaching one, nor is there any AVO or alike stopping me.

The fact that there is no Custody order/parenting agreement has hampered me in regards to court action, is in itself the same reason why I cant be restricted from making contact with my kids through the school, something I have this forum much to thank for, for bringing it to my attention. Of course I still have to be aware of what is best and safest for my children as well, but I think the teachers would be a good safe way in which I can at least get information to my children that their dad has not forgotten about them, and is always there for them should they need me.

I would welcome any further thoughts on this as I may not have considered all the implications of this action yet, I have yet to take action in this regard as I want to ensure that it is an option worth pursuing and is totally safe for my children as well.

Terry