10 years

[dizzy6721]

Hi,

I've been in an extremely loving relationship for the last 10 years, we've never had a major fight before, however in February this year, my partner woke up one morning and gave me the cold shoulder. She said that she had the feelings that we weren't going anywhere and didn't have plans for the future etc. She has a blow up once a year about this issue of not having plans etc but I can usually reassure her that we will be OK as I promise I will always be here & love her wholeheartedly. She went away for the night and stayed with her friend. The next morning she came back and said she never wanted to do that again as it was horrible being away from me. Since then she has woken up one morning and said she felt "broken and didn't know how to fix herself" told me everything feels forced in our relationship, she doesn't know if she loves me anymore as she doesn't think I'm committed. As we talked this over, I went into the bedroom and pulled out the engagement ring I had been planning to give her this year - this ring took me over a year to save for & I have the perfect plan in place to propose. When she saw the ring she said "this changes everything". She says she feels "nothing for me" however when I showed her the bag with the ring in - she cried her eyes out. However she has since walked out on me, stayed in a hotel for a week, with another friend for a week & ultimately moved out of our home which she also said she "loves" & into a small 1x1 apartment on her own. She has canceled all of our ties together - bank accounts, health insurance, bills etc. and says she is "extremely happy" out on her own. She has completely blocked out my whole family who have always loved and adored her, she is best friends with my younger sister - who she now hasn't spoken to in 3 months. She has also said shes felt like this for a couple of years but has suppressed her feelings.

Meanwhile I'm sat here left trying to piece everything together and figure out what went wrong or what I've done wrong? Suffering sleepless nights and a fair amount of depression.

She is 34 years old - so am I crazy to think that this might be a little bit of a mini mid life crisis because she isn't married yet with kids etc and she doesn't know it? Do i just need to give her time to work herself out? Or is she completely done with me?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm going out of my mind and haven't a clue what to do...

Thank you in advance

[Juliet_84]

Dizzy6721,

There is only so many times a woman will come to you and tell you her feelings, and by your own admittance she did this yearly. There’s only so long a person will do this before they decide that the other person needs to put some work in. If I was in her situation, I doubt I would have come to you again and said it, I would have done the exact same thing.

From the outside it may seem as though she is casually going to a wedding with friends and getting drunk, but knowing what it’s like to end a 10-year relationship, I am quite certain that’s not how she feels inside. I know that you mention you are full of self-blame, but there’s a tone in your responses that tells me that you are not being fully accountable for your actions in this. Whatever happens, I think you need to use this as a learning experience and part of that is being frank with yourself about why this ended.

[dizzy6721]

Juliet_84,

I'm very sorry you feel that I have a tone. I can only apologise 😞 I simply don't know what to do, so I guess I'm venting a little frustration.

I admit and take full responsibility for my lack of actions, I know I'm a first class fool for not getting off my back side sooner. I have driven her away and I'm an idiot. I am prepared to work my socks off and do whatever it takes to bring her back.

Not trying to take any blame away from myself at all, I cant help but think that she is struggling with something too? It just doesn't make sense to completely shut me out and ignore me...

I really hope you're right about how she is feeling inside. I'd give anything for her to come and talk to me and give me some kind of indication. I don't want to push her away even further though.

Again, I'm sorry for my tone, you really are helping me & I appreciate it.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dizzy6721,

No need to apologize, I think you misunderstood when I said “tone”, I meant more like the vibe I get. See, to me, given the circumstances, I do understand why she feels that she had to shut you out. I’m just trying to reframe these things here so that if you are given the opportunity to speak to her again, you don’t say “all I’ve ever done is love you unconditionally” as I think a frank admission of where you went wrong and how you have grown since then will get you further.

[GoodWitch]

Juliet and Croix have given you a lot to think about. I hope you don't mind me adding another female perspective on this because your situation rings a lot of bells for me.

I too am part of a couple that hardly ever argues. 20yrs married & this is a pattern that has characterised our relationship, ultimately damaged it. Relationships involve conflict and a surface appearance of not fighting does not mean there aren't major disagreements bubbling beneath the surface, it simply means that the 2 of you share a dynamic that doesn't allow for an easy flow of dialogue about difficult or emotional issues. Only you can work out how that's happened, but it seems clear to me that it has happened. Counselling should help, good on you for seeking it.

You've admitted that she blows up about your commitment yearly, however the situation never gets resolved to her satisfaction. This means your problems have festered for a long time, unresolved. She's been getting the same answer for 10yrs: wait until I'm 30.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be older before you make a life long commitment. But you have been together 10yrs. What is so magic about 30? Just wondering. Your girlfriend has probably wondered too.

Now I suspect she has also been secretly hoping for years you'll ask her sooner (hence the yearly discussions), but in the end has resigned herself to waiting for the magic 30. Then you turn 30 and what happens? Nothing. Yes you've been saving for the right ring. Did she know that? As far as she is concerned the magic 30 happened and you didn't ask her to marry you. In her mind you went back on your word and she's no doubt devastated.

I know this isn't easy for you and it's obvious your intentions are good. But I think you need to try to see this from her perspective. She's waited 10yrs for a proposal that didn't happen. Whether you meant to or not, you let her down. You need to understand that and own it, and somehow communicate that to her if you are to have any chance of patching things up. I understand that is difficult if she's not talking to you, but I suspect she's done this to protect herself from more hurt. You need to give her some time to heal from this blow. And I do believe she suffered a deep wound when you didn't propose as she had been led to believe you would.

Perhaps you could write her a letter if she won't answer your calls?

I hope you take this as it was intended, as helpful advice, not criticism.

Best of luck, you seem like a decent guy dizzy.

[dizzy6721]

Hi Juliet_84,

Thank you for your kind words, they’re much appreciated. I have already admitted that I’ve been a fool for not marrying her sooner. However you are completely right, if she does want to talk things through in time, I’m all ears & will be the first to admit that I have pushed her away. I know I’m a fool and need to work my backside off to put things right.

For now I will focus on me & give her the space she needs.

Thank you again. 🙂

[dizzy6721]

Hi GoodWitch,

Thank you for responding to me. Firstly, not to blow my own trumpet, yes I am a nice guy, head screwed on, great job, great family, money in the bank etc. This is why I am struggling to make sense of it all.

Secondly, I'm very proud of myself for admitting I have a problem and need some professional help, instead of taking the macho approach of "no I'm a guy I can deal with this on my own".

Now in response to your age question. I haven't a clue why 30 is so magical, I think I saw my partners 30th a few years before when we went to Las Vegas and thought "I definitely want to do something spectacular like this for mine" and the whole tradition of 30 being the final big birthday before 40, so I guess it's the last opportunity to be young. Maybe I'm just silly.

She does know about the ring. I openly admitted that the one and only secret I have ever kept from her was saving for the perfect ring. I put the bag containing the ring in front of her and she cried for an hour followed by a panic attack. After she calmed down she said it changed everything.

I take full responsibility for my actions and not proposing sooner, however I wanted it to be magical the day that I put my plan into action, a story to tell people, place her on a perch so high up she can't see the ground. This is what every woman dreams of. I have worked so hard on making sure everything is perfect. I haven't planned our life together or a wedding. Just an amazing day that she will cherish forever. I really did have the best intentions.

Perhaps a letter would be a good idea, even though she knows how I feel and am fully committed. I just don't want to push her away further as I feel she needs time to re-evaluate everything and clear her own head. It's a truly awful feeling when you lose your best friend, constantly wondering why the phone doesn't ring with her bright bubbly voice on the other end, why you don't get text messages, why she's not tagging you in silly little memes on Instagram, even what she is up to all the time...I would give anything to have her back by my side.

Again, thank you for contacting me, it's very much appreciated.

[AndyR]

Hi Dizzy

I recognise much of your confusion and bewilderment at the sudden surprising action of someone you hoped to be a life partner. It happened to me. After 10 years together my then partner came home and uttered a line I'll never forget" "This is over for me. There's no romance, no fun and no sparkle." A week before we were to move back into the home we were renovating. Out of the blue, from no-where it seemed. All my dreams of this joyous life in our architect designed beautiful renovations blown apart with two short sentences. Blindsided totally.

Like you I hoped it was an out of character aberration but no, it wasn't. And he did what you describe your partner as doing - out and about with friends new and old and no space and time for me. I was shattered. And while I lived in hope for a while it became clear acceptance that things had changed had to come, even if we were to return to being together.

My renovations are I think a bit the same as your engagement ring. No matter what I clung to that picture of "but we have this happening." With a little time I saw it as misguided - a focus on something that prevented me standing back and looking at what might really have been going on. That takes time and it may not be now you can do that. but is it possible o step back form the rig, the proposal - the picture YOU had - to consider the WE. Who was listening and really hearing and speaking about what was going on.

I suppose I'm saying perfect pretty imaginings of how things can be can shatter like a mirror, and the only thing that is possible to do is pick up pieces - because no matter how hard you want to put them back together you may not be able to.

What would it mean for you to contemplate the possibility that her reasnos for going are hers and personal and powerful, that they do not diminish you, they are simply hers. And that you can contemplate how you rebuild from this earthquake.

For me it was - after we'd sold the house and car - to buy a rucksack and travel the world for two years. I still loved him dearly and never really knew what he meant in those two short sentences. But you know what? I became grateful: I got to try being a different me. And I learned that the house even with its renovations was after all just a house.

So amidst all the looking at her and hoping can you find a time - little or large - to ponder the possibility that she has gone so now what? You may find surprising new rewards.

[dizzy6721]

Thanks AndyR. Your reply is great. Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, I've been trying to focus on myself & also reading some of the stories on here there are far more people in a much worse situation than me.

It has been 3 months now & it still isn't any easier. I'm sat here currently tearing up and I cannot stop myself from doing it. It's incredibly sad that I've devoted my life to this woman and she simply just doesn't care, shes acting like nothing has even happened. I know she is much better than this.

I took some advice from friends and decided to write her a letter. I poured my heart out and wrote true feelings straight from the heart. I don't think I have ever been more nervous when writing. I delivered it to her house on Friday last week, messaged her to say there was some mail in her letter box, I know she has the letter, I know she has probably read it, yet she hasn't even bothered to contact me about it at all. Again, she is a much better person than this. You don't stop caring for someone as easily as this. Ignoring someone having spent 10 years loving them isn't normal behaviour.

I really hope she is struggling just as much as I am. I honestly don't know what to do...

It's funny when people say "just focus on you and keep doing you" when all along she is the person that can make me, me. She makes me the best version of myself. She's my queen, warrior, best friend, my life...

[monkey_magic]

Hi dizzy6721,

I've just read your thread. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine how much of a hole its left. Just wanted to show some support for what it's worth. It sounds like you've really put your heart on the line.

Look after yourself x

[dizzy6721]

Hi monkey_magic,

Thanks for your message. It's surprising how little messages of support like this really do help.

I have put my heart, soul, life, everything on the line. Feeling so rejected and lost. She has now deleted one of her social media accounts which included a lot of our pictures and so many memories. She's a social media butterfly so I can only hope in a positive state of mind that she's done it because she is confused about who she actually is anymore, needs time and space to think about everything & isn't just forgetting us & me...

Nothing about the way she is acting seems to make any sense, this isn't the person we all know and love at all.

Thanks again monkey, trying to stay positive...