TW DV and SA

[BS]

TW DV and SA

Hey everyone.
I think I just need somewhere to vent a little bit. I am a chef, qualified in march.
Earlier in my apprenticeship though I worked with a chef who I thought was really great. I worked for a big company so sometimes it was hard to get that one on one learning. But he really took the time too teach me and show me a lot of really cool things.
I really enjoyed working with him,he was a bit rough around the edges but working with him I really felt like I had found a mentor.
He left the place I work for almost a year ago now.
And I have just found out that he has been arrested and charged for Domestic violence against his wife.
I feel shattered and angry. I come from a back ground of family violence and sexual assault and I am always SO vigilant about seeing the sighns.
Even my partner says I'm too harsh on people because the second I get a funny feeling I won't go near that person.
And there were sighns. He would be late from work because he had to take his wife to the hospital. Or he would have rage fits that were really unnecessary and uncalled for. Being a chef though, it's really common (not right! But common) for people to get angry. So I just filed it under that i guess.
One particular instance was one night I had to run the kitchen because he couldn't make it to work at the last minute. And the next day he said it was because him and his wife went out with friends and she had a bit too much to drink and slipped on the road side and split her eye open, he had to take her to the hospital and he even said that the doctors had pulled her aside to ask if it was DV. He said he understood though but he'd never do that.
I feel so blind sided. Again. I feel like I should have seen something. Not that it's my responsibility or anything. But just once again I fell for someone being kind to me and they turned out to be someone completely different

Too top it off my dad messaged me this week for the first time in about 5 years. I don't talk to my dad. He was one of my abusers.
I just feel so anxious lately. And I know all of this contributing to it. Its affecting my work and my partner keeps making saying I haven't seemed myself lately. I just feel so sad and alone.

[therising]

Hi BS

It's in no way a fault or your fault that you see the best in people. It's such an amazing ability to have. For someone with low self esteem, for example, to have the ability to see and bring out the best in them means that they can come to see the best in themself. You have the ability to give that to someone, the gift of coming to better know themself better. A whole other ability is the ability to get a sense of someone's nature. To feel red flags or to feel something's off about someone is a highly intuitive ability. To be pulled between the 2, seeing the best in someone and feeling red flags definitely comes with some seriously tough lessons in relation to developing those abilities or fine tuning them.

Wondering whether you know what it is that you're feeling exactly when it comes to your dad. Is it mixed feelings/emotions perhaps? Being a 53yo gal, if there's one thing I've learned over time it's the fact that I will always be identifying new feelings I've never felt before. New experiences will always produce new feelings (along with some old ones on occasion). Do you think you could be feeling some need perhaps? Could it be the need to rise to courage maybe, confronting your dad in some way? Maybe the need to address some form of neglect when it comes to your feelings in the past? Maybe the need to make a decision in cutting ties with him for good or perhaps it's the need to develop a different relationship with him at this time in your life, one where you dictate the rules and boundaries? Someone once said to me 'Anxiety is the push for change, a push that can't be ignored'. Whether it's the push to manage inner dialogue differently, our nervous system more carefully, other people's behaviour more strategically, our stress levels more mindfully or it's the push for something else, I've found when it comes to anxiety and depression there is always a push factor toward some kind of change.

[mmMekitty]

Hello BS

I feel for you. I had a similar experience with a neighbour. I thought he was okay, trying to get his life on track. On early parole, but wearing an ankle monitor. He seemed friendly without seeming creepy or anything, until I had an odd sense & wondered why a fellow of his near middle-age would be playing with childish ringtones on his phone. He was convincing about how he'd done courses, everything he was required to do, et cetera, until once day while I was talking to him he was arrested again for attempting to 'groom' a child.

My heart dropped out of me. I was shaken. It was so unsettling to realise so clearly how yousimply can't tell, cannot see into someone's mind & know what they are thinking or doing in their own lives, maybe to others.

I felt so angry, too, as if he'd betrayed me, personally, because of my own past. I think no matter how sure I feel about someone I ought to hold my trust in reserve. That is possibly the biggest part of me that still feels broken from all those years ago. I tried, you know, to give him some compassion, to not say 'not in my back yard', & take him at face value, then it suddenly seems he may have used me as a cover for his meeting & befriending children ... I don't know, but maybe. 

Well, I don't think we have done anything wrong. We have nothing to be angry at ourselves for. My ex-neighbour chose to do what he did & is again in prison for it, I suspect, for a very long time. I can only hope the chef's wife is okay & if she wants , is recieving care & support.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, yes, I meant to add, if you choose to not have contact from your dad, are you able to block his number so he cannot phone or text you?

Another person I knew, I had to block their number & that had worked very well for me. I've not heard from them since.

Hugzies

mmMekitty