Trying to deal with the aftermath of appearing at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions.

[Lace]

Hi,

I am new to this and really don't know what I am doing, however I need to do something positive to get some help.

I am having Counselling once a week over the phone but it isn't helping at the moment.

In Feb 2014 I testified at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions. Since then it has been a never ending ordeal with Solicitors, Police, Doctors and Counsellors, each one rehashing my story over and over again, all wanting the nitty gritty details. I was told that I wouldn't be in the papers or on TV unless I gave permission, I didn't give permission but there I was all over the TV and in the papers, I was mortified. 

In 1969 -1970 I was institutionalised in a state run home in NSW for running away from home, it was there that I was, physically, verbally and sexually assaulted. I kept my secret for 46 years, but decided to speak out in the hope that what happened to me would never happen to another child in care.

i am depressed not only because of the flashbacks and the ordeal of testifying but also because the Government does not seem to take heed and take the Royal Commission seriously. Unfortunately theses types of abuses are still happening, nothing is being done  and I feel that I have dredged up my past and come forward to no avail.

My friends shun me because they do not know what to say to me and my family thinks I am such  strong person that I have it all under control.

I am falling apart at the seems but still trying to put on a brave face, behind the scenes I am a mess. 

Thanks for listening, it's good to get it out. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Lace

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a dreadful thing to have happen to you and you have all my love and best wishes. I wish there was some way I could take your pain away.

Would you read this thread please. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/depression/i%27m-still-here-really-s...

This is from another woman who was assaulted as a child. Although in this thread she is talking about her current situation I know she will be happy to talk with you about your situation. Make contact with her via the above link and perhaps you can ask her to respond on your thread so that the conversations do not get mixed up.

Is there a reason why you receive counselling by phone. I believe face-to-face is better but maybe that is not possible where you live. Mothers telling their children about their fears does not go well I have found. Children, no matter how old, always expect mom to be the strong one, even when they have their own children. May I suggest you speak quite openly to one or two of your most sincere friends and explain that you do not want to talk about your experiences if it bothers them, but would like them to treat you as they did before the news hit the headlines.

It may well be that they would like to talk to you but are concerned they may hurt you by doing so.

I am sending you a big hug.

Mary

[Lace]

Thank you Mary, your reply was a great help.

😊

[Neil_1]

Dear Lace

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

I tell you, it just doesn’t seem fair (and you would know that only too well) that you not only suffered all that horrible abuse as a child, but then had to endure living with the pain of that for your entire life.  To  then go and do something that you were expecting to be a productive and positive move by reporting it and to follow the protocols for that, but little did you know that they would then make you re-live it over and over again – for those people that is just a shameful act, surely once you have spoken out in full about it – it can then be recorded in print, so that for any future analysis of it, the printed record should be adequate enough for them to go on.

That really disgusts me to hear of what you’re now having to live through – simply not fair and you would think that in this day and age, their process for this would be of a much more kind and supportive nature for the person coming forward.

Hell’s bells, the guts that it would have taken for you to come forward in the first instance is something that I believe most of us wouldn’t possess.  And this is probably where your family are coming from, with comments about being so strong, but underneath, I can see that this really eating away at you majorly.

It was good to read Mary’s response to you and she provided some great comments as well as that link, which is, like Mary mentioned to another person who has been doing it tough for a long long time.

With regard to your ‘professional’ support, is the counselling over the phone due to living in a kind of remote area?   You don’t need to say where you are at all, but I just wonder why it is phone counselling instead of face-to-face?

Do you have other supports or mechanisms in place to help you at this time?   I’m also guessing that this whole scene is so traumatic for you, that you’re possibly not enjoying any of your favourite past-times or hobbies, etc?     Which having said that, they can be very helpful if you are able to manage something like that?

Would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[Lace]

Thank you Neil for your reply.

I wouldn't say I live in a remote area as such, it would probably take me about 35 minutes to drive to town. I have over the phone counselling because I find it difficult to leave the house at the moment and I am not yet ready for face to face. I need to build up some trust with my counsellor first.

Unfortunately I had a very bad session with her recently, she thought I was ready to face the demon in the dungeon, I wasn't. I don't think I ever will be.

We are in the process of resolving the trust issue I now have with her and hopefully one day I will meet her face to face.

I don't have any other support and I am becoming increasingly housebound, an issue that I am trying desperately to address. Strangely enough, my friends totally avoid the subject, they simply do not know what to say. I find that difficult to deal with as I have always been a really good listener throughout my friends trials and tribulations. It hurts.

Thank you for saying it took guts to tell my story, not many people realise that. 

I have a lot of trouble with my internet connection and I can't always get on to this site, so I am sorry for the delay in replying. I could only give a short reply to Mary as I kept losing the connection, although I have been fortunate at this late hour to be able to stay on for a little while longer.

Thanks again, 

Lace

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lace

Awesome to hear back from you.

First, a little tip that might help with regard to your connection – if you type up your response elsewhere, say, a word document and then when the internet is behaving, you can copy and paste it in;  doesn’t take long and voila, the post should be completed.  Hope that helps.

Trust issues can be crucial in being able to move forward with a particular person – especially if that person IS your counsellor or psych and something a bit iffy happened.  With regard to you facing the demon in the dungeon, that is something only you can know.  With regard to your counsellor though it wasn’t good for you at the time, but at least it’s been broached now, so they know not to go down that path in the future.

It’s a shame that there is no other support available to you – though do you think there might be a possibility with say ‘one’ or just ‘two’ of your friends, if you think about of a couple of them to see which ones might be able to help out?   You say they don’t know what to say and I guess that’s probably a reactive kind of human response to something absolutely horrific that has happened to another person.   It’s unusual isn’t it – when something horrible happens, it’s avoided for ‘whatever’ reason, but most probably because it’s too damn hard to raise or talk about;  BUT as you rightly say, you’ve been able to help them with their trials and tribulations and I’m guessing that would be where they’ve raised problems that are happening – perhaps those ‘first world’ kind of problems, that people seem to have no trouble talking about.

But if it’s a biggie, then people don’t know what to say – I guess a bit like what do you say to someone who’s lost someone?   You feel compassion, empathy, sorrow for them and more, but putting that into spoken words is quite hard.

Have you per chance spoken to one or two of these friends about aspects of what you went through or would you feel comfortable in doing that – and to explain to them that you predominately don’t have any one who you can talk to about it – just a friend for support at different times?   And it might not be that every time you meet that this will be the subject, but it might be heaps comforting to find out if, even one of your friends is able to come to the fore, to ‘be there for you’?

I would love to keep this chat going for as long as you’d like too.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear Lace

I think I'm the person Neil & Mary suggested you link up with. Your story is very similar to mine. I was drugged & assaulted by a Priest at 14. I found going to the Commission a bit of an anti climax.  No action is taken by them nor forwarded on & the purpose seemed to be to inform future policy.I am now involved in a civil case which is progressing very slowly & is re traumatizing in many ways. All I can honestly say is that you have incredible strength & courage & like me are doing this so that these horrible things don't continue to happen behind closed doors.  A bit like talking about depression I've found people distancing themselves. Neil & Mary are wonderful supports. Truly compassionate genuine friends. You are right about the lengthy processes involved & the impact this has on our depression. For me I suffer greatly with anxiety, always on high alert, living on adrenaline, easily startled. I think it's symptomatic of PTSD. Have you heard of the organization Brave hearts? They provide many forms of support to those of us who suffered abuse. So does the free legal support service "Knowmore".When I engaged my lawyer they had a policy of clients seeing a trauma specialist. initially I was hesitant as I already see a psychiatrist. But I cannot speak highly enough of trauma specialists. They have a different approach & are highly skilled in cases such as ours. Brave hearts may be able to give you some names. I understand your anxiety & depression is highly prevalent during this entire process. It can feel as though life is on hold whilst waiting for an outcome. For this reason it is so important you have good professional support as you don't want the perpetrators to take more from your life than they already have. As hard as it is we have to find a way to continue to engage in aspects of life that are fulfilling whilst the difficult parts remain "in the background". I don't underestimate how difficult that is. I'm still trying to do it whilst I also have a husband seriously ill with acute leukemia & two children who are very distraught. As I write this I realize I'm a bit overwhelmed today & I don't know if I've said anything of value.please continue to write as I have great empathy & compassion for you & would sincerely like to support you in any way I can. My thoughts are with you. Lve Mares p's my ongoing story is on first page of depression forum titled "how to cope with devastation when your life falls apart" x