*Trigger warning - childhood sexual abuse* Why I joined beyond blue. I hoping that the hard times I went through will help anyone else struggling and feeling alone.

[Kylz87]

In our house growing up -if dad said something- you did it. The sexual abuse continued for 9 months..

once I finally told my mother, she made it all about her. She was the victim and I just let her be! Maybe it was easier at the time, I was young and I always seen mum was my best friend. Only in recent years I realised that my relationship with my mother wasn’t what I’d thought. I’d been manipulated and emotionally abused for years prior to my step dad and even though she wasn’t involved in the sexual abuse physically, she took no responsibility for the blind eye she turned.

I got through it alone, I just hope that my sharing can help someone else suffering in silence. Your not alone.. TRUST ME!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kylz87, we are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us here in the beyondblue community. We know how difficult it can be to discuss past trauma and it is so important that you have done this today. We're so sorry to hear how difficult your journey has been but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We also want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email. Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Kylz87~

It's been a few day and I'm wondering how you are getting on. I was pleased to see Sophie_M had seen you post and offered her own help, she provides a much needed degree of extra support.

You are right in thinking those that have come here are not alone, there are a fair few whose parents or step-parents have greatly injured children by sexual abuse, and sadly when the child (of any age) has been brave enough to appeal to another they have been rejected. Your mother's defense in taking it to be all about her -or turning a bind eye, may have done as much damage as the original abuse -it would if it were me.

I leaned of that lack of love and long term security another way.

Parents occupy a special place in a child's heart, authority, safety, comfort. It is a terrible thing when a person realises that is in their case it is an illusion, and the world harsh and lonely.

I don't know why but this seems to turn into feelings of worthlessness, guilt and isolation. It is part of the injury I guess. Subsequent relationships are so often tainted and trust almost impossible.

Deep injuries may never heal properly without specialist help, may I ask if you have sought help and if it has been of assistance?

I do hope you come back and talk some more, the fact you are here at all will have given others heart.

Croix