Trauma, neglect - or?

[Guest_10266]

When I was 5ish, my mum started dating a new guy. We moved in with him, but we as kids (2 girls <7) didn't move in as such, he had a bungalow out the back which was transformed into our 'bedroom'. Of a night, the back door was locked (deadbolt) we were only really allowed inside for meal times, (toilet/shower was put in in out-house laundry room) From age 8+ for myself I was expected to get myself to/from school, that was ok as it wasn't far away. Once I moved schools 9/10+, I then had to get public transport myself (to and from school) not only this, but we were reprimanded a lot from the bf. If we didn't do as told (ie water flowers before school, pick up dog poo, clean room etc) we were given PAGES, not just lines like they do in school, actual pages. 50+ if we did wrong (of lines), I barely had/allowed a social life...  my father fought for quite a few years for better treatment of us, but ended up giving up (never came back and moved to Qld without a word) my mother allowed this treatment for 8+ years, 'she did her best'. We were left alone for a fair bit of time on continuous occassions. We would frequently be at a caravan park for 'holidays' a lot of the parents saw issues with this, with how we were treated. My mother only cares for social status, I have 3 kids and they have grown to learn that my mother only cares about what others thing, doesn't actually care for them as ppl (A lot more that I can't fit in to post occured) I'm now at the age of 39 and hubby is helping me see different. My mother and older sister see themselves as 'perfect' and don't do wrong. When I've in the past tried to approach the issue with my mum, I am met with 'sorry I was such a bad much' 'i did the best I could'. I don't know how to deal with/get over the trauma/issues I feel... I don't want to keep feeling broken. 

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear your story, it sounds like your mum may have some narcissistic tendencies which is likely the reason you were not prioritised. I am not surprised your past has left a scar and I doubt any amount of talking with your mum about it will help you heal. (I had a mother with some narcissistic tendencies too)

There are a few things I can suggest:

You haven't mentioned if you have any support at the moment from a counsellor. That would be most helpful, if you are unsure how to go about it, I would be happy to help.

There is a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, which I think you may find illuminating and helpful. (there are also many other books and authors I can recommend if you enjoy reading or listening to audiobooks)

Some kind of meditation practise can be helpful and there are many guided meditations available. If you find seated meditation difficult, you could try walking meditation or movement meditation like Tai Chi or Qi Gong which will also help bring you into that state.

The main thing I would like to impress upon you is that we can rarely heal from the past on our own, it requires some guidance from a kind and caring professional to help us get there.

We are here for you whenever you want to talk and please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo 💐