Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

I have spent a long time trying, I’m not a confident person and cannot smile, maybe that’s my upbringing and my heritage. Both my parents lived through the wars, my dad the First World War and my mum the second, my teeth are in a bad way since I never got any dental treatment when I was a child and I can’t afford a dentist.
I have a speech impediment from being born to older alcoholic parents, I have tried to do my best for people always and have never stewed on my past. With the constant rejection of never being good enough for people has led me to become who I am, why would I keep on trying only to be let down again? I’ve had enough, I’d rather be lonely then feeling never good enough for people... rejection constantly is not good for anyone’s confidence, all those people in my life have been users and dump you when you have nothing left to give. One stage I was homeless for 6 weeks, they took my possessions but couldn’t offer me a bed.

The least I have to do with people the better for the remainder of my life.. bet they will all show up with their hand out after I’m gone!

[Delectable]

Spent my whole life helping people through their bad patches, whether it’s poverty, cancer or a broken leg. I’ve given to strangers and yet not one single friend helps me with cptsd except slamming the door shut in my face when I can no longer help them..
I had enough 5 years ago and I certainly don’t want anymore, 48 years of shit would take its toll on anyone.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

My post to you just now didn't go through, trying again..

When you talk about things you love and are enthusiastic about, like France or cooking - you come across as bright and interesting and engaged! Bring out that part of you! I think your past has made you hide that part of you away, understandably. Let it shine out woman! That's the real you! All the depression and anger and negativity comes from your past... I know how hard it is to get away from that - but there is a lovely, interesting, part of you that you need to let out more.. just try one tiny step!

You might enjoy a movie called Antonia's Line, if you haven't already seen it, about a lovely Dutch woman who moves to a small village with her daughter - it's quite feminist and funny and i think you would enjoy it. If your library doesn't have the DVD you can often find a used copy for sale online.

Really sending best wishes! Cheers.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

I hope you find a way to help yourself, I really do. Good luck. I can't offer any more perhaps others on BB can. All the very best, truly. Cheers.

[Delectable]

Thanks but want peace in my life right now, I’m in the peri menopause years and have no tolerance or patience for any more type of pain regardless of the situation. I’m sick of people staring at me down the street, I wish they would look at their own problems instead of staring at others and making them feel uncomfortable. I do exercise early in the morning to avoid people, tomorrow I’ll do 10kms of stair climbing, it’s a good release for all the pain people make me feel by their actions towards me. No one deserves to be spoken to like rubbish regardless of who they are, rich or poor. I barely see people and I don’t make eye contact anymore, I only pick up and drop off books at the library as I find that’s where some of the worst offenders are, women who stare and look at you like a creature from outer space, I’m half tempted to say to them have a look in the mirror before you go out before you criticise others!

[Delectable]

Ive tried to shine but only get shut down, I was a cfa firefighter which I loved till I found out a lieutenant was cheating and he made my life unbearable so I left. If you could see my Instagram baking page you’d be impressed however I’m not good enough. I live in a clicky town and if you don’t fit the boxes you’re pushed out,so thanks I just want peace and quiet for the remainder my life. Best wishes to you all that are somebody’s friend, mother, father, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, you deserve the best.

[Delectable]

The depression and negativity come from how people have treated me through the years, I’m not an angry person, I’ll avoid people because it’s easier...and I’m sick of their bullshit...I’ve had enough, I’m mentally exhausted by all these people and I want absolutely nothing to do with them. I don’t expect anyone to understand, one needs to experience ones pain to understand how it feels.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

Just popped by to say hello, hope you are getting nicer weather there than the rather bleak grey day we have here. It's nice weather for walking at least. Cheers.

[Delectable]

Thanks Hanna, the weather is nice here. Having a bad round of endometriosis so resting as much as possible, I did do 10 kms of stairs yesterday and was home by 7.30am. One good thing about Sunday people don’t get up too early, have the psychologist tomorrow and hopefully will be ok to walk as I’ve no pain relief at home, mind over matter I guess.

[Hanna3]

Hi Delectable,

Endometriosis is nasty, no wonder you have a lot of pain. I hope you can get something to take that will help you feel more comfortable.

You do a lot of exercise, I wish I were that fit! I think country towns are all the same on Sundays with everything closed up and quiet - after growing up in the city I still find it strange. I can't imagine Melbourne ever being like that - it's such a great city.

You certainly know a lot of European movies, where did you come across them all? Do they show them in the city? I end up purchasing them online as DVDs.. if I can find them.

A beautiful day here but little Sam my dog was sick (he gets sick chronically with a liver problem) and so I had to look after him for most of the day. So not much got done here. I'm culling out my book collection (I read a lot) & it's challenging to work out which I'll keep and which go to the Op Shop. My wifi is playing up so I can't spend long on the computer this evening!

I hope the visit to the psychologist goes OK tomorrow. Nice to hear from you, take it easy there and rest up. Let us know tomorrow how you go... cheers.