Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

[Nashka]

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up with it. My two suicide attempts have been triggered by his lack of love and lack of caring and understanding. He has been hot and cold. I thought he was strong enough, and insisted he was, to help with my depression, anxiety, OCD and adjustment disorder. He then changed his tune and said it was too much and couldn't see a future with me. He is traumatized and has PTSD due to my attempts. I feel helpless because I have given my all to this relationship only to be left feeling even more alone and deserted than I did already.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

That's marvelous! I particularly like your resolve to leave things for now, and the fact you are thinking long term with activities for the new year.

It's amazing how much company an animal gives, Sumo Cat is of course 'busy' on his special furry blanket by my elbow as I type (busy being cat talk for snoozing) but just his presence is enough. It fills the room -if that makes sense.

It must be a mark of how much more you are settled now that you do not feel an urge to have a drink, again that's great!

No you do not know what tomorrow may bring, however I strongly suspect you are equal to it if things do go downhill - though there is no reason to assume they will. Good things do happen.

Croix

[Nashka]

Thank you. This morning I have felt a bit low, so things haven't remained good mentally. I think with Christmas coming up, I don't actually want to celebrate so that's been on my mind a lot. This hasn't been the greatest year and I would honestly like to spend Christmas alone. It doesn't sound healthy but it feels right for me given how I've been feeling lately. I will of course have my dog with me so I won't be completely alone 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

I can understand you do not feel like celebrating Christmas, and you would like just to be with your dog. I guess that might be fine, provided you did not get too lonely.

The Christmas holiday season is a special time of the year and very many struggle with isolation and lack of family over the break.

My I ask what you have done in past years?

If you felt being all alone would you consider volunteering? There are many social organizations, St V de P, Smith Family, Red Cross etc etc, who need peple to help spread cheer (and food)

Doing that puts you with people that are friendly and appreciate your efforts, you end up feeling tired but good.

Croix

[Nashka]

My past Christmases have been spent with my parents. We usually do a Christmas eve late lunch (my dad is German and likes to celebrate Christmas eve) and then Christmas day was sometimes spent with my parents again and some family friends. I haven't been invited anywhere this year and my parents know I am too down to do anything this year. We may go out on Boxing Day to walk around. I have my tree up but haven't gone to as much effort with presents or even cards this year. I'm trying to get through each day and am working through the Christmas and NY period so I have company at least during the day.

I had another suicide attempt over the weekend. Police and paramedics broke the front door down to get to me. This is the worst attempt so far. I feel like this could be my last attempt also. I feel different after Saturday. My parents are more and more devastated and the relationship with my ex (who called 000) is going downhill fast. He wants space and time which I'll gladly give him. He's asked for it before but I just couldn't let it go. Now I need to put myself first and give him the space he needs also.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

I've no wise words to fix things, I can do one thing , sit with you in these posts so you know you are not alone with your thoughts. It's not ideal as there is such a huge time delay, even so maybe someone having been there more than once might may at least give you the idea that the world is big enough for people like us.

I am worried about you, after all it sounds like your ex bf called for help, next time would you consider calling for it yourself? Please? I've found it surprisingly easy, dunno why -relief maybe? It did give me a small measure of control. Do you have a freind who is up to it or would you consider the Suicide Call Back Service, or if they are busy then Lifeline?

Letting your ex go is a sign of change -and strength. Your idea of company each day is a good one (for me particularly if they learn to be quiet).

Skip the next line if you like, I'd like to ask a hard question.

Any idea what happened Saturday?

For me looking back it was simply hopelessness welled up, no one thing. That plus the difference in me and those around me made everything all too distant - non applicable if you like.

You are worth caring for, it comes out in your posts.

Croix

[Nashka]

Thank you. Your reply actually brought a small tear to my eye. Its nice to know I am not alone in the online community 🙂

My trigger on Saturday was loneliness. It is also all the issues I've been having with my ex. Heartbreak and not being believed and listened too causes great stress on me. I have adjustment disorder so things are just hard for me to let go of. I wrote a letter apologising for hurting people. I honestly didn't think I'd make it on Saturday and had made peace with it. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough..... if that is even a thing. My mindset is so hazy during my drunken state. Everything feels like a disaster. I actually tried online support last night through two different avenues and found the support to be very lacking. I'd ask for advise and get nothing. Your communication with me is my savour on these forums and I'm very appreciative of the time you take to reply to me.

I am worried about myself. Christmas is tomorrow and I'm spending it alone. Despite best intentions, I have alcohol in the house now and am drinking. I need to stop but have no willpower.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

Well, I did look at your other thread at:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicide attempts due to depression, anxiety, etc

as you know, but continue on here, mainly for continuity, so I can easily look back. I did see TonyWK gave an answer and while it might have seemed a rather broad approach did if you looked though have some ideas that might be helpful, perhaps being radical is the best. I think it would be for me.

OK, what is radical? Doing things you might not want to do for small reasons -such as embarrassment.

In your last post here you have said a couple of things that give me heart, first you have loving parents who worry about you, and second you knew the main trigger - loneliness. Can you combine the two, even if it means leaving the dog with food and getting a taxi?

Parent training is hard, you have to get them to use ears, not mouths, and squash the impulse to fix, and to get hold of their fear and not be ruled by it (I've been htere). How you do that I don't know. You write letters, why not try that way?

At the moment you need support, and you are trying to get it from drink . OK for a brief time drink might lessen the hurt a little, however it is for a very brief time.

What it also does is make impulses easier -you don't have the same hesitation. Add to that overall as time goes on it will bring on depressive thoughts.

Why am I telling you? -You know all this already, so I'm just reminding. I want you to be aware right now of the extra danger, and I want to be able to have you alive to talk with in future.

It is not a question of being weak or strong, or of trying harder. Those are just inappropriate judgments designed to put yourself down. It is a question of using the right resources. The right resource for you at the moment is human support.

So how can you go about getting it?

So what can you do?

[Croix]

Sigh - the internet posted my reply before I'd finished,

If you get overwhelmed reach for dial 000, nothing else! As you know it makes for an 'interesting' if uncomfortable time.

I've been in lecture mode, which is all very well, but I do not wish to finish that way, it's too serious.

Now I've mentioned Sumo Cat, would you indulge my curiosity and tell me all about your dog?

As sheer bribery if you tell me then I'll tell you how Sumo got his name -fair enough?

Croix

[Nashka]

Hi Croix,

Christmas Day was pleasant spent alone. I feel selfish not spending it with my parents but they understood my reasoning and didn't put pressure to be with them. I went to the movies, had Maccas, went to Chemist Warehouse (the only place that was open!) and then spent time doing some Mindfulness. A man from the Brief Intervention Team called me to check up on me which was a pleasant surprise. Someone will call again later tonight. I have spent most of today in bed sleeping. My body and brain is exhausted from all the strain and helpless feelings. I am drinking in moderation. Yesterday there were no tears. Today there are tears of what I have lost and the people I have hurt. I keep wishing 2020 to start but will it make a difference to my mindset? Probably not. Thankfully I have my boy, Ned, to keep me company. He is named after the main character in an old TV show Pushing Daisies. Ned is a Lhasa Apso and the absolute love of my life. But even in the darkest times, he is still not enough to stop me from going over the edge. I wish that wasn't the case because I can see he gets distressed. All the strangers that have been in the house over the past few months must confuse him. Me disappearing or leaving him with my parents when I'm unwell also must make him stressed.

I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. I was thinking of starting a blog to try and help others with the same type of problems. I find myself able to dish out advice but never seem to follow my own. I have always cared more about others than I do myself which is wrong.

My ex has asked me to leave him alone. He then said to give him 1-2 weeks of no contact because he's had enough and needs space away from me. I understand and have given him space, although not being able to even wish him a Merry Christmas yesterday was upsetting. But if it helps him heal, I will do what I need to do.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

By the sound of it Christmas Day went better than expected. You were sensible in your choices, the movies, Maccas and then the chemist. All people around even if not close enough to talk much with. That rounded out by someone from the Brief Intervention Team, which I personally think is a pretty good idea. Do you find it is a good thing for you?

I look on it as a bit of personal care in a system that can be far too impersonal.

I have to confess I needed to look up Lhasa Apso, and saw it is a smaller dog, and some people have theirs with very long hair that would require a lot of brushing. Thanks for telling me about Ned, and about Pushing up Daisies, a most unusual idea for a show.

Now I did promise to let you know how Sumo Cat got his name. if you look at my post on 31 January half way down the very first page of the thread:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

You can read all abut him, a cat transformed.

Actually you might like to have a browse though the whole thread over time. It's designed for people to share happy times. It can help to read of others feeling good.

Thinking of starting a blog has some practical difficulties, as I found out before I kow of Beyond Blue. The main one is getting peple to read it. Not impossible, but for every one started many wither away.

You certainly do have a wealth of experience, a clear idea of things and write well, all making for great potential to assist others.

May I suggest you start right here? If you browse though the areas you think might be of interest to you and find that sometimes you come across a post that could use some input from you then post. I started that way, just letting someone know what to expect when they were gong down the same path I'd been down. and were apprehensive.

My main worry at the start was doing harm, but found over time that did not happen, a combination of common sense, respect for others, and the oversight of the Moderators all made it safe.

If you took it slow I think you could end helping a fair few. Mind you I'm only making a suggestion, there is absolutely no obligation to do anything.

You do not have an easy life, however you are always welcome here,

Please give Ned a pat for me

Croix