Reactive abuse to narcissistic abuse

[Notanurse]

Im in need of some advice when it comes to my ex's abuse towards me. He isnt diagnosed, but he shows clear signs of being narcissistic. And im not just saying that to be a "crazy ex". 

He has made my life spiral the last 16 months. Im a shell of who I used to be. I thought I was handling the situation by constantly trying to keep him in our sons life by any means possible and that ended up with me being arrested for contacting him too much about our son (harassment) and him having an ADVO put on me for that reason.. I should have reported the things he has done to me when they happened.. but I didn't because I have a massive fear of police. And I feel like if I put a historical report in now, that I'll just look like im a bitter ex wanting revenge, or that they wont believe me, or that they will laugh in my face, or that they will dismiss it, that I just wont be taken seriously. And then it makes me feel like its all in my head and maybe I am actually crazy, maybe everything he did was justified? That i bought it all on myself? 

I wont be able to put everything in here but a few of the things hes done include:

- name calling

- threats to hurt me, including very violent language and if I dont terminate our child then he will leave me, and more

- flipping me off all the time

- cutting me off, stonewalling, changing the subject if its something I feel is important to talk about, if I try to communicate with him

- he would call me a baby, to drink a cup of concrete, im too sensitive

- giving me the silent treatment

- gaslighting and mind games

- there was a point i was so distressed with what he was doing, I couldn't even work, I lost 9kg in the first trimester of pregnancy because of this

- I now have nightmares several times per week

- im now on different depression/anxiety meds because of it all

- im paranoid that I'll see him or his car, that maybe he has someone following me, maybe hes told the police to follow me.

Is it all in my head? Will I be laughed at if I go to the police with all this? Is this legitimately something i should be reporting? How do I do this? Are there any supports out there i can access(NSW)? Will those supports actually help me and believe me?

I dont want another woman to go through this, I want him to be held accountable for his actions because he doesnt call it abuse, I want him to get help for his childhood trauma but he wont. And now I legally am not allowed to contact him for 2 years.. 

It feels like the narcissist has won..

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for your courage in sharing this with us. It sounds like you’ve been through a deeply distressing and isolating time. It takes real strength to reflect on this experience, and reaching out to talk about it is a powerful step

From what you’ve described, it does not sound like you’re imagining things or that this is “all in your head.” Many of the behaviours you've listed threats, stonewalling, emotional manipulation, intimidation are indeed recognised as forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Feeling afraid, anxious, and doubting your own perception are very common responses to being treated in this way.

You absolutely deserve to be taken seriously. You're not alone in this and there are services out there who specialise in supporting people who've experienced abuse like this, and they will believe you. In NSW, 1800RESPECT is a great place to start. They offer 24/7 counselling and information for people affected by family and domestic violence. You can call them on 1800 737 732 or visit: 1800respect.org.au

You might also want to consider connecting with the Blue Knot Helpline, especially if you're feeling the effects of long-term or complex trauma. They provide specialist support and will understand the impacts this has had on your mental health and daily life: blueknot.org.au

If you ever feel overwhelmed or unsafe, please remember that Beyond Blue counsellors are also available 24/7 at 1300 22 4636 or via webchat. You don’t have to go through this alone.

This community is here for you. I hope you’ll keep sharing, your voice matters, and you deserve support and safety.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Notanurse]

Thank you for the reply.

I did contact 1800Respect and found they werent very helpful. It was more them repeating back to me what I was saying to them..

I've contacted WDVCAS and someone was supposed to get back to me yesterday, still no contact from them..

Tomorrow I'll try the womens legal people and hopefully they can help..

Im just at a loss on what to do. 

On one hand I want him to be held accountable for his actions. I dont want him to do this to anyone else. And when I read the words "reporting helps protect the community", I feel like i need to report this to police, the things hes done and said. And I know 100% that if it were a friend of mine in my position, I would be telling them they need to report, that he can't just get away with what hes said and done.

But on the other hand, i have now had 2 dv "specialist" organisations who haven't helped. I even called my local police station today and the way the guy was talking to me, it was like I was wasting his time, like he didn't believe me, like im literally just a crazy ex. I was told to take screenshots of texts as proof and I tried that a few days ago but it was too hard, rereading those texts, living thise moments again.

I wish I had reported what he had said and done as it happened but I didn't, my fear of police took over.. 

It all just seems pointless now.. that hes won, the narcissist always wins..

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. I've been around narcissistic people so I can little bit understand how damaging they can be and it's really hard to recover. Narcissists usually end up alone and unhappy if they keep doing what they're doing.

I know that this sounds really hard to do at this moment. I found that the best way to get back at them is to create a happy and independent life for yourself and your child. When we focus on small tiny steps to start with, it will slowly become easier and easier. I think that a good start is finding a relaxation technique that works for you. I find walking or any gentle physical activity and focusing on peaceful surroundings very effective. Once ready, it might help to focus on or finding new interests or hobbies to create a new healthy social circle. It's very important to keep your distance from your ex as it can be easy to get tangled up in their games and manipulations again.

I hope that things will get better for you as it's definitely very hard to deal with. You can still have good happy life once you heal and recharge. When it gets hard, I'd definitely talk to your GP as they can make it easier to deal with.