Rape PTSD and Friend's Reactions to Rape- Advice Needed!

[confusedandlonely]

So three years ago I was raped orally and anally at a party. At the time I was very concerned about my reputation and didn't tell anyone, though it hurt so much and I was very distraught. I even came close to killing myself a week after, but a girl in my class called Kelly who barely knew me sent me an anonymous letter praising me, and it saved my life.

This year, I couldn't take the pain anymore and I finally felt comfortable telling people- a therapist, my parents, and my lovely friends. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and hyper vigilance.

Most of my friends have been beyond brilliant, I mean none of them really understand at all, but they're trying to be there. Except Kelly. She and I are now best friends, well we have been, but after I told her she completely ignored me for weeks on end. I'm currently in Year 12 and we had been planning a schoolies trip together, to which I was uninvited after telling her what happened, and another girl asked in my place. Later when I texted her asking what happened, very upset, she replied for a bit and then blocked my phone number, not telling me.

Our exams are happening right now and she says she can't talk to me until they are over, but she's still going out and drinking and having breakfast and watching concerts with my other friends, so it hurts that she doesn't have time for me. I sent her a facebook message yesterday begging her to talk to me at school today, and she said she didn't want to.

It's so confusing- how could she just block me out of her life, literally? And not explain why until weeks after the fact? Is she a friend worth fighting for, because I have been, so incredibly hard? It hurts knowing when she knew nothing about my situation, she was there, but now she does and can't cope to even receive texts from me.

What do I do? Do I fight for this friendship? Are exams a good enough excuse to ignore me without any explanation?

Please help

[confusedandlonely]

When she upsets me by ignoring me, I often feel like I should just shut her out like you say. But what if she's going through something, and I'm ignoring her? Ahh, I'd feel so guilty. I don't know what is right

[confusedandlonely]

I have considered that she could have gone through something herself, and it makes me feel so horrible for forcing my friendship on her. I want to be there for her to, and though I'm hurting, I'd hate even more to ignore her. Should I apologise?

[confusedandlonely]

Shelleeb thank you for your love and hugs! And for reminding me to focus on myself rather than who I'm affecting. It's haunting when she ignores me, I've even had nightmares of her hurting me, just because I feel so rejected. It's hard but I just hope that I'm not the reason this friendship ends.

[confusedandlonely]

Hi there cornstarch

thank you for your honesty, I'm so so sorry you had to experience something so horrible, I feel as though personally knowing the perpetrator would be so incredibly hard. I feel so torn- so scared I may have hurt her by sharing what happened. I don't know what's going through her mind cause she won't talk to me, but it kills me to think she may have undergone something similar and I've brought up those anxieties. Maybe I should apologise?

[kiara_18]

Hi there ,

What you have gone through and are continuing to go through sounds incredibly painful .

I can't connect with you on the rape part. But I can't imagine that was an easy secret of yours to share with someone. I really hope she has a good reason and speaks to you about it soon. To reflect on what you said she probably goes and parties as what you shared with her js too much to handle with the pressure of year 12.

It says more about her than you. At this time you should concentrate on yourself and the bright future ahead. She will follow suit if the friendship is ment to be. Please focus on you. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Best of luck.

[Cornstarch]

Hopefully she has not been abused in any way shape or form, emotional, physical, sexual or spiritual, and it is nothing more than a teenage tantrum, over the fact that she receives less attention and you receive more for a time.

Personally I would not apologise as such, and would instead just tell her that I miss her.

Communication is not always explicit. Depending where her head space is, if there has been some sort of violation, apologising could be inadvertently reinforcing messages she receives in her private life, that this topic of conversation is not acceptable and we should all just bury our heads in the sand.

By just telling her that you miss her, you are implicitly saying that this topic of conversation can be out in the open, we don't have to shove it back under the carpet and allow sex offenders to get away with the perfect crime.

She said she can't talk to you until after exams, hopefully she does once they're over.

Good luck

[Guest_322]

Hi confusedandlonely,

I mean, it's hard to say why Kelly has been acting this way. It could be because of one/a combination of the suggestions above or it could be something else entirely. Sadly, we can only guess as the only person who knows why is Kelly herself.

I know her friendship means a lot to you, and that she was the one who helped you keep going when you were suicidal. You trusted her and she went and did a 180 on you; that would hurt. A lot.

I realise the apology question wasn't directed at me but can I add my 2 cents worth? I think Cornstarch might have a point. Just have a think about it....

I mean, maybe think about whether you genuinely have something to be sorry for or you're just trying to "smooth things over." I could be wrong but I suspect it might be the second reason.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Disclosing to a friend (trusting her) and reaching out isn't wrong, you know. Talking about rape isn't wrong- it's the actual rape that is wrong. Sure, maybe she didn't respond very well but that reflects on her, not you.

I get that you want her back in your life but maybe there's another way. Cornstarch's "miss you"'suggestion might work.

Hopefully she will come around. You were brave to reach out to her...I'm sorry that she didn't respond very well. What you did took guts.

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

I try to minimise the 24/7 news reel as much as I can so hadn't heard about your story.

That's an absolutely awful thing to happen, I am so sorry.

I find it really interesting that you still find it tough to talk about but when you write about it, it flows more easily.

I came to an impasse with my clinical psyche where I was ready emotionally to discuss the minute details to attempt to be able to cope with flashbacks and memory recall, but my biology was letting me down from years of dissociation and DV. So I started writing to her and she read my musings before each session. She learnt more about me in a few months than she had done in years. I was never pressured to discuss any of its contents but at least she knew, and I'd starting flushing it out of my system and placing the blame where it belonged.

Such a small thing made a huge difference.

Really interesting.

Good luck.

I really want a PTSD puppy.