Pregnant, suffering with PTSD and partner continually sides with his family over me

[Tayy__]

My partner and I have been together for over 2 and a half years, 10 years ago I was sexually assaulted by a family friends child, about a year ago it started taking a tole my outbursts and depression really bought a wedge between us, so I finally told him what I had been keeping as a secret for the last decade, was diagnosed with PTSD, began seeing a councillor and was put on medication.

Things were back on track except for my partner is extremely close with his family to the point were it was unhealthy, he would do anything to please his mother even if it meant making issues in other parts of his life. He has always lived at home, since we started dating he has been told by his mother he can't go out and see me because she thought we needed a break, that we need to break up because she believes he can do better, when she found out I was going to counselling she said to him that he was young and still had a life ahead of him why would he want to waste it with someone who was messed up. Any time we have tried to move on with our life as a couple such as living out of my wage and saving all of his, moving out, going on holidays, she has told him no and he bails at the last second. She has called me a gold digger, hurtful names, ignored me.

Now after over 2 years of bad behaviour from her I am pregnant (4 months along) and we were waiting to get our own place before telling them but he freaked out and got scared to move out, he was terrified they would be upset with him and told his parents he was thinking of moving out and when asked why he would do that he panicked and said that I was pregnant. Now they want to be involved with everything, he wants me to forget everything she's said and one to me and I'm not comfortable with that. We have fought every day I haven't been eating or sleeping I'm so stressed all the time this is my first baby I already have so many issues of my own I don't want to be forced into having them be such a big part when I haven't been treated well by them. They can still see our child thats no issue they are still grandparents but I do not what to have to do everything based around what they want or their schedules this is mine and his child no one else I just want to enjoy it and not get yelled at for not making his mother happy. I just feel like i don't want anything to do with any of them he would do anything to keep his mum in his life even if it meant losing me and his baby. I just don't know what to do anymore? He's never happy.

[Croix]

Dear Tayy__

Welcome here to the Forum. I guess the first thing I'd like to say to you is how glad I am to hear you are getting professional help for your PTSD. Keeping everything a secret is not good, and hopefully you will respond and mange to cope lots better. I've similar illnesses for an unrelated reason and have found professional help essential to improve.

I'm afraid to say I think your partner is under his mother's spell and under those circumstances you simply are not going to find a satisfactory resolution. He really does have to put you first, always, in order for you to have a happy and secure life.

I don't know which is worse, having his parents disapprove of you, or wanting to take over and control you. Of course you cannot forget what they have said in the past - who could. It is your partner being completely unreasonable in even expecting you to try.

I have very strict parents who had very firm views on how an offspring should behave and when I chose my future wife they thought her totally unsuitable. I stopped being a dutiful son and despite many attempts to change their minds persevered. This ended up in my being formally disinherited.

My parents unknowingly did the best thing possible for both me and my new partner. She was secure in the knowledge she had my affections, and she came first in my priorities. It was good for me in that I grew up, took responsibility and learned to look after another.

Your partner has to decide, stay home with parents, or be a partner and shoulder the emotional and financial consequences. Most jealous parents will not go to the extent mine did, and he might well be able to maintain contact, thought the relationship with his mother and father would never be the same.

You may think this is all a bit drastic, or even unrealistic. The alternative however is for you to be stuck as a second fiddle in the household. A lesser person to whom contempt has been shown, whose wishes can be routinely ignored and who in all probability in time will come to feel very trapped and unhappy. You will probably also find the idea of these toxic grandparents taking over your offspring unacceptable too.

I'm sorry to be so blunt and I don't really know what to suggest, maybe couples counseling? What would you think?

Croix