Nowhere to go

LittleLostB · ‎28-05-2018

Hi to everyone who takes time to read this.

I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with my current situation.

My de facto partner of 7 years broke up with me one month ago. He has told me his reason is because he wants to sleep with other women and he likes his freedom (i.e. not having to think about me or have me wondering where he is at night). He broke up with me 2 days before my birthday and on the same day deleted a majority of photos on social media - making me feel as if I never existed. During our relationship I felt like he lived 2 separate lives - I was frequently excluded from his social life. And at the end of his relationship I became so aware of the fact that I had never even met some of his closest friends that he would see regularly.

During the first 3 weeks of the break up I was living with my mother (with no where else to go). I have a bad history with my mother who during my teenage years kicked me out of home - without going into detail, it was an event that has traumatised me (PTSD). So when living with her again I felt uncomfortable and problems began to crop up again with her being emotionally abusive towards me. A huge argument has left me with no option but to go back to my ex boyfriends house and I also feel the need to now cut all contact from my mother.

So, now my current problem is that I feel I should be away from my ex and move on. Hard to do when I have no where else to go (no other relatives and I only have 1 friend but I don’t want to live with her). My ex is also telling me he loves me and keeps bringing up marriage in the future and asking me to support him through his own personal problems - treating me like a secret gf? He also is forcing sex on me.

I am on affordable housing wait list but am told the wait is around 1 year. I am not earning enough to rent privately and am currently looking for a new job.

Please help! I don’t know what to do and I’m feeling very alone.

james1 · ‎28-05-2018

Hey LittleLostB,

Yes, it sounds like moving away from your ex and cutting off contact completely is what will help you immensely right now. I understand that renting with others can be difficult, but it does not sound like it can be worse than your current arrangement with your ex.

Your ex is emotionally abusing you by bringing these things up when you are broken up, and also sexually using you as well. If you are not consenting, that is rape and criminal.

I really think you need to get out as soon as possible. Can you speak with the Beyondblue support line (1300 22 4636) and ask them what services might be available for you? You can also visit the GP and speak to them as they may be able to give you both some emotional support as well as other services to help you with your accommodation dilemma.

James

james1 · ‎28-05-2018

Hello LittleLostB,

There is a wonderful national service for people who are suffering like you are. They are called 1800 RESPECT and I have put a link below which includes their number (1800 737 732) and an online chat service.

It is entirely confidential, so you do not need to worry.

I hope you can reach out to them because you seem very trapped in a situation with a man who clearly does not respect you or your independence. The service can help you find a way out of this.

www.1800respect.org.au/

James

Doolhof · ‎30-05-2018

Hi LittleLostB,

I'm really sorry to read your story. I too would like to encourage you to make some phone calls and find all the help you can right now so you can move somewhere safe and away from this man.

Apart from the suggestions James has already mentioned, you could phone your local council and see if they know of any services in your area. A post office will have a local phonebook, you could look in the Government section to see if there are any relevant services.

I am a little old fashioned and have trouble finding information I require on the internet.

I would like to share my personal story with you. My first husband used to rape and beat me up, he enjoyed doing this more in front of his friends. One night when he went to buy more alcohol I managed to run away with the clothes I was wearing and my hand bag.

I caught a bus to the city. I phoned friends to see if anyone could help me. One guy said his Mum would let me stay with her for a couple of days. I was able to find cheap accommodation, I had nothing but a borrowed mattress and bedding, one cup, one plate one set of cutlery. It was like heaven! I was free.

He knew where I worked so I had to find another job as he stalked me. He threatened to kill himself, I actually told him that would be a lovely idea! As far as I know he didn't do that as mutual friends saw him again years later. He was trying to blackmail and guilt me into returning to him.

He threatened me with all kinds of things. In the end he had no control over me.

Make calls and find some emergency housing. He may change, but he may not. This is your choice, I am only voicing my opinion here on what you have shared with us.

The police can help as well.

Don't believe the lies this guy may be telling you. You matter! You have the right to be safe.

Please take care of yourself and seek all the help you can find.

Best wishes to you from Dools

dolma · ‎02-06-2018

Hi,

It is courageous of you to post. My advice to you is to report your experience to the police, this may help you get the support you need, they can put you in touch with agencies that can offer assistance. I suffered years of abuse, i did not know it, maybe deep down i did, but felt i had no escape. I can understand your apprehension, but personally it took me to realise that the abuser has the problem, not the victim. You are a victim of family violence, seek help. Be open to support and explain your storey, what is normal to you may be violence and not normal or acceptable.