new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:

It's called depression love. Depression is seeping in for you. 😞 No, no one has said anything, I just feel like a complete bone head at times. I guess this comes from my childhood abuse and I guess I believed I was dumb. Idk, I just feel stupid from time to time.

I get upset when you're feeling flat too, Ems. You're usually so bubbly and cheerful and to see you like this makes me wanna cry too. The home feels sad at the moment with everyone impacted by son's affairs. No, it's not fair on you or fair on the children either. Thinking of you all.

Love Blubes

I think you're right about the abuse making us feel certain things about ourselves.

I think it does dull us in our feelings but also our intellect... we get confused alot, this spins our minds out.

I had my IQ tested as a child. My teacher actually had a long conversation about my score with me (it was at the ceiling) & my school work. I was doing my absolute best at school but lucky to score below average.

It was this discrepancy he was most concerned about. I remember the convo so well because it was so weird lol. He was a very lovely teacher btw... basically he said he didn't know what was wrong but that if I wanted to get into University this score said I could.

The FIRST time anyone had said anything to me about me being intelligent AT ALL.

I was absolutely called those things Blubes daily or more...

I explained that story to help you understand that ALL things are effected by abuse.
Our decision making and choices are also effected.

It's obvious you are a VERY smart girl. VERY VERY smart. The sad and mixed up parts of your life are a reflection of damage from abusive ppl.
NOT you. This is not who you are.

It's not fair! Not at all. I'm living with this all around me, I'm hearing you.

But what do you have? A really clever brain for one. Choices you're making for your future and even for your now.

Even during lock down you have miraculously managed to make 2 new IRL friends. Pretty incredible resourcefulness there.

You have lots more that I don't even know about.

I decided today that no matter what I'll pay this mortgage off... so I'm here for the long haul lol.
I've saved a bit of interest by saving money in an offset lol... I'm about $300 ahead also - wow huh? lol... what a mess but one I hope to see clear of one day.

Taking each say as it comes and breathing through it.

Love EM

[ecomama]

I'm trying to piece together what happened so I can repeat it all if I feel that low and extremely stressed next time but this morning I woke up with a "brick" of motivation and determination inside me.

Wow.

I look at this stuff like a jigsaw puzzle... what pieces were there that got me through AND on to the other side?
WHAT ARE THEY lol.

I don't feel depressed today.

I know I needed sleep, for sure. I've been working so hard physically I surprise myself and my chiro lol.

So here's my list in no particular order:
* sleep
* food
* Prayers
* drinking LOTS of water
* talking it out on BB
* visiting the wellbeing sections here also (even tho I wasn't in the mood tbh)
* breathing softly
* trying to remember what I'm grateful for
* watching ABC iView lol...
* wearing super comfortable clothes and shoes
* listening to my Christian radio station.

TBH Next time - probably will be a next time - I'm NOT responding to personal texts at work.
Yes to urgent ones but not to ones that say they're urgent and they're not. They can wait.

That stuff triggered me big time yesterday and was very demanding on me and my time I was supposed to be working grrr. It triggered the harassment of Court related emails and texts and calls from my Lawyer... so unless it IS urgent, no way.

I've slept SO MUCH and had nightmares with son in them the 1st night.
Then lots of busy "life" dreams.

Last night I had a dream of an ex bf who'd been the love of my life before this current one overtook him.. he moved away overseas and we decided to end it after a year or so.
It was a beautiful dream just kind and lovely.

I woke up with the full embodied thought "Love is the answer!"
And not just romantic love but LOVE of all things.

Love of my babies so I made everyone breakfast (they usually just eat cereal lol).
Love of MYSELF to be proud and love myself.
Love of my blind chicken lol.
Love of the environment, work colleagues, peeps on BB, my Community, my bf, my friends...
JUST send out LOVE.

I love you guys.

Thankyou SO MUCH for holding on through my white knuckling and broken heart!
I'm still very broken hearted but I know my own love will heal this.

Thankyou so much for showing me how much you care. It means more than the world to me.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Reading your post and compliments make me feel so good about myself. You're VERY sweet. Thank you. Jesus (no longer considered blasphemous in Australia - passed this in Parliament a year ago, I believe), wishing all my BB family members were my real life friends.

You're intelligent Ems. You're strong & resilient, you've a heart of gold, you're happy, loving, motivated .. I could go on forever. Be proud of that. Your home and mortgage will be ok, you'll manage. It's difficult I know. I'm in the same boat. I've a mortgage without a job right now, so that's an added stress in my life, too. Have you considered selling up and buying something smaller? I've thought about this, and as soon as the market picks up, I will be doing just that. It'll alleviate some financial burden so I can concentrate on my studies. I've a 3 bedroom townhouse, in a nice location. It'll sell. I'm looking to buy a 2 bedroom apartment in an affluent suburb of Melbourne. Why not? I'm not married, no kids so the apartment lifestyle would suit me to a tea. I like apartments. I'll answer your other thread after lunch.

x

[monkey_magic]

Hi all,

You're an independent woman Em with lots of love in your heart and I have no doubt the shocking waves of life that have abruptly rocked your world will keep you the resilient and loving person you are. You are riding those waves like an experienced surfer.

Life throws curve balls and you know what you can handle, your list is an example of what has worked for you. I'm sure others will benefit from that list too.

Blubes,
Yeah go you. An affluent suburb. As long as the people are lovely, well...most of them. I'm yet to invest in a mortgage. Still on the cards.

The weather is heat heating up!

Hope you continue to heal and feel that brick of motivation and determination inside of you Em. That's great news to hear.

🙏

[Guest_498]

"Love conquers all" Ems, I really believe that. This quote is normally restricted to our intimate partner, but I apply it to everyone we love. Love makes us happy and good about the world. We love you too, Ems.

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” - Buddha quote. You were reborn today - you're less depressed and have the jolt of motivation to you. I'm super pleased for you. I'm feeling much better today as well. I read your inspiring and kind post this morning and it made my day 🙂

Please leave your messages whilst you're working until you get home.

[ecomama]

Lol no longer considered by Parliament at least lol!

We say CHEESES!... just to be safe! hahaha

Either way I'm in no way offended whatsoever anyway.

Sounds like a plan Ms Metropolitan girl you! I'm sure you'll find a beautiful apartment or make it beautiful with your own style.

Yeah the market is iffy and probably will be for a weird while lol. You'll know when you'll be ready and like all big leaps we just have to take the leap.

Me sell? No. Not selling nor ever intend to tbh. A curved ball may come but I'll deal then.
For now I'm repairing and renovating.

I intend on building a cabin way down the back yard one day or over 3 years lol... maybe 5!
Depending on my situation I may get tenants for it.
But I'm designing it for me.

If I'm old, I never intend to do that either lol... I can move into it and rent out the top house.
Even if I'm short of money I could move into it for a few years.
Atm rent is about $600 - $700 / week for a house like ours.
Cabins fetch c$400 / week.

It's expensive to live here, probably anywhere.

Every thing I do in the garden is with the intention of having the cabin down the back.
The long walkway down the side of the garden - it'll be fenced off - I'm not planting anything down that side.
The measurements for the cabin's land is pretty much worked out.

I've even left mulberry and lemon tree saplings there that took root in the cabin's back yard. It will have the macadamia nut tree in that land.

Atm I'm paying a little extra on the mortgage, just paying same as before but my mortgage was reduced this year. Over time I hope to chuck money on it, for now with all the kids and work to be done, I just save against the mortgage in an offset.

Alexa asked me to go into business with her. I can't do this unless I'm full time.
IF Yvette is okay for me to be FT then I will and then seek permission to do this business.
It's a lucrative one but I need Alexa to sort out her Settlement before my name becomes entangled in THAT lol.
We intend to do that next year if it doesn't happen before.

All intentions but who knows really?
I sure don't lol!

The more I find out I realise the less I know.

I love your idea for you tho, sounds AWESOME!

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Heya Monkey,

How are you babe? Yessss INVEST, please!!! And, when you get into pickles financially, there'll be money for you to access. It's what I intend to do. I purchased this place for that reason when I was 25 years old. There's a bit of capital in it now. Once I sell this, I'll be able to buy a smaller place - an apartment - without a mortgage. It's the only way I can freely study, without having to work my butt off in a menial job I don't like. I'm seeking job satisfaction and a career for myself now that I'm older. My priority shifted. when I was younger it was to simply work and make money. It's not about that anymore. I'm seeking happiness now. Took my a long time to decide to give up my beautiful home but like anything in life, you move on to something new. I'm ready for it.

Ems, great idea with your home... DON'T SELL IT!! lol. Sounds like a massive property - good on yer girl. xx I'm excited about the extension, the cabin myself!! It'll all work out for you, you'll see.

Please invest in your own home bbg. I'm proud of you now but be even happier if you did. 🙂

Blubes

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much monkey_magic.... it was a hard time for sure.

Only 4y ago I was holding him like a baby, he couldn't go to school, he was too depressed and traumatised by demon. I took 4 month's leave to look after him as a priority. Fed him in bed. Made him bathe. Hugged him in my lap when he couldn't stop crying.

Adjusted School programs and delivery of all his assessment tasks at school. The school tried to support us, ofcourse but were also listening to demon - because they had to ofcourse....
The Court Orders spoke in the end... ish... so much communication with the school to support this son most especially. And Yvette.

Now the rest of my children.. I still can't believe the words from that Deputy and she's supposed to be the "tough" one... omg she spoke with such resonating words to me. Like she felt my pain.

I'm in the right place at the right time. Here. Now.

I felt snowed under with the lies from son fed to him by that family.... now I'm NOT.

No way will I go under because of evil. No way.

IDK HOW many times I said to son and his gf "You think I was born yesterday???"

Trying to pull the wool over my eyes might work for a while.

But LOSING the most staunch supporter in one's life is a silly silly choice. Alexa and the ACs spoke with me today and said things like "Omg mum he will realise JUST how good he had it at home with you now!" and there it is.... absence may make his heart grow fonder or maybe not lol.

It's made mine tougher towards him & gf that's for sure.
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

And would you believe that ALL the kids came home this afternoon wow.
Half at work now but the other half bought food from Coles and asked me to show them how to make a healthy dinner lol. (yeah I can't believe it myself... these are TEENAGERS we're talking about).

Thankyou monkey, you were right after all.

How are YOU going gf?

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Yessss Ems, following a Federal Parliamentary Committee conducting an inquiry into the right to freedom of religion or BELIEF, the abolition of crime of blasphemy is now abolished (I'm not 100% on the amendments though, Id have to read up on it nor do I know which MP submitted the inquiry). The committee recommended that Federal Parliament use its constitutional power to implement Australia’s international human rights obligations to abolish the crime of blasphemy throughout Australia. Lol. Lol.

[ecomama]

Yes I'm fine with whatever Govt decided upon.

Last night I had dinner and fell asleep lol. I'm sleeping ALOT.

If I wanted to, I could turn downstairs into a place for tenants also... I think it's better suited for students. I've done that lots before. Atm the kids are living there but later it could be a great income source with no Tax for students (as they're Boarders).

I forgot to mention that my house is also close to good public transport - buses and trains.
Just a short walk to both.
We have a nice supermarket around the corner and some "boutique" stores like a swish cafe lol.

But the BEST features are the Community Gardens. TWO WHOLE Community Gardens within a short walking distance. Now that's what I'm not moving for lol!

I'll always keep chickens and probably live on veggies and eggs lol.

I decided to get my bike fixed (yes demon again) and buy a new helmet (yes demon again)... because the major supermarket / shopping centre is 5km away. I can RIDE there!
A bigger one is about 15 mins by car the other way and it's a GORGEOUS bike ride along the water's edge.

I probably won't ever retire entirely but I can work P/T.
I see the location of my home a great spot to live life the way I want to as I age.

I'll join the Community Trading Group I was in before (still a member) and be able to live on very little dollars and cents currency. That group is AMAZING. You can get food, services & gifts etc and offer what you want also. A wonderful way to pass on excess produce from my garden and get currency for it.

Oh did I tell you? LOL... my gardener offered me a job!
I could garden almost 24/7 but not as job atm - pay is not good enough tbh.

I want to do Biodynamic Gardening here in my own garden again... it's such FUN!
So magical and mystical. I love it.
It would take too much time atm but later yes..

IF bf is still on the scene, I'm not sure how much time I'll be here. Maybe time living in America with him. I never intend on living there full time, but it would be lovely to visit and stay with him.

He never intends on retiring either, not atm. So we're at an empasse there. We'll work it out as we always seem to.

Love EM