Thankyou dear Croix
Thankyou for reaching out with your very kind & appropriate suggestions for being in my car. My bf said to get a car charger, I said I need so many things. The lighters in both cars don't work lol...
Sometimes life throws a person so much more than one can handle.
So many times.
IDK what the "lessons" are in all of these times. I used to be able to say there was a "purpose" & somewhere through the despair & ruin I would draaaaaag one out lol. Not now, I can't now.
I woke at 3am & knew the familiar feeling of hopelessness & helplessness.
Thankyou for saying that I can step in if things are out of control (I think you meant that?)... indeed eldest D retreats into her life & own suffering in the DV relationship. At least the Police said I could phone them if I know something's going on.
Thankyou a million times for coming in & writing to me. You'll never know how much your words mean to me.
My friends dying is breaking my heart. I know you know grief so closely. Alas I know it all too well. It's not a phase in life I can get used to or become comfortable with.
Right now I'm angry with God because IDK who else to be angry with. Poor God lol, I've screwed up so many times.
D dreamt of my Nana. In her dream Nana said to her "Where's ecomama? She's stopped talking to me. Tell her to talk to me" omg I cried when D told me this.
I went to the waterfront, cried last night & talked to Nana. I know she meant so much to me but in talking & crying I also realised the cruel & ruthless things she did to me also. I remember crawling into bed with her when she was crying so hard. I can't remember why.. maybe another one of my grandfather's drunken rages. IDK.
I've integrated any so called "wisdom" she offered now. I've used it & it's stood me in good stead at times. But she's gone. Holding on to her is painful, so I said goodbye. Went home. Slept.
Acceptance is the only thing left. The Serenity Prayer.
I was upset with my children still even last night forgetting it was my birthday today.
I had reminded them so much, it was embarrassing for me. Like I was begging.
I've denounced my birthday from now on lol, via text to them. It's the only way. Zero expectations = zero disappointments. I wanted just one moment in one day of the year. It's too much so it's gone.
Back to slavery & servitude.
Winter in life. I'm grateful for these forums.
EM
