new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue!

It lightened my heart to hear that you and LM have had some nice social times together. Awww.

How's your finger?

Oh yeah... son working idiotic hours was HIS choice I found out. HE wanted to "smash" the Manager's modules ALL in one go! omg ... sometimes I am NOT a good role model tbh.
Other's took 6 weeks... he smashed them out in one evening AFTER his shift. But stayed at work to do them.
He's smiling wide atm lol... getting his "Manager's shirt" hahaha... ordinary customers wouldn't know the difference but it's a status thang amongst "the team".

YES!
Do you BELIEVE that?
The Roofing guy I'm going with DID patch the roof when he got up there to inspect for his quote! It was a cracked tile that does need replacing.. he didn't even tell me until AFTER I said he's got the job lol.
Bit of altruism there. Nice man.

It was the best pleasure to text ALL those other "no shows" and "ahhh I might get out to you next week or after" ppl... that I found someone to do the work, no need for their services, thankyou,
ESP the 3x that price goofball. HE actually said you might need your whole roof replaced, can you do that? (like 25 x the price of the altruistic guy).
Ahem that would be none of your beeswax... I said I'll think about it.

Yvette said "they see a single mother..." but he didn't KNOW I was a single mother... not that THAT should make a condition of decency apparent.
Crikeys.

Now I have time to save for the rest. It's like a ROOF off my shoulders lol.

BF... IDK I'm a bit sad and it feels yuck.
My text to him was STRAIGHT to the point and Alexa was stunned when I read it to her.
Bf hasn't responded, via text or call.

I just don't feel like talking to him atm.
I need SPACE. You'd think thousands of klms of OCEANS would be enough space lol... IDK it probably would be so much easier to sort in person.
It's sad.

I realise how alone I am.
But I don't feel lonely.

I like breaking free of those chains that held me back for decades.

I'm finally ABLE to live with choices and this feeling within me can't be OVER estimated!
It's POWERFUL.

I don't like my every choice being "critiqued" (not that he does that) but when he IS in a critical mood about me, then it's like an avalanche of GET ME OUT OF THIS!
He is so SELF critical and I'm NOT.
Cheeses I'm giving myself a BREAK here and still working like a cyclone lol.

Yes he flies all over the U.S. but he gets LOTS of down time. TONS. He's bored lol.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Finally I made it here!

Just a quickie tonite- got work tomorrow- you know, the paid one lol- and it's lateish.

But...Nothing worse than a bored male in my books! Something weird happens there with my H as well, it's like he defaults to his lowest setting. And yep, always tries to FIX!

It sounds really healthy to me that you're being upfront, and not afraid to say "Nope, that's not working for me' and taking your own space back. Sounds like you have plenty on anyhow- def NOT bored!

My Labrador might be keeping foxes away, I'm not sure, we also have good fences. He is pretty good with birds tho Blue. I haven't fully tested him out, like with running swarking birds, but he just ignores them usually, even if the gates open and they're around. Little birds drink from his bowl all the time and he doesn't raise an eyebrow.

Em I'm liking the sound of your roof man! Yeah, anyone who comes to quote a roof job and then says "No you need a professional' is DEF dodgy! So hard to find good tradies! We've been waiting months for our tiler. The good guys are usually busy as.

Loving the sound of the girls hanging out too, thats precious 🧡

Talk soon,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Hope you have a great day at work tomorrow!

I think I need time out from stuff I can get time out from.
Remember how you said to "press pause"? Well I can't on most things. I'm on Leave for another few days, so work is paused.
But it's like pressure rose sharply almost 2 weeks ago, IDK I guess I'm always under pressure...

I used to look forward to talking to BF every day, now I'm tired of it.
I want to ADD different, good, FUN stuff to my life!
I can't do that tied to the phone ALL DAY LONG ughhhh.

No reply from him for days, so this morning I sent an off the wall text saying
Hi EM
Has your ROOF caved in yet?
Just concerned for you and the kids

Hey BF
It almost has.
Thanks for your concern.

This would be "us in an alternative Universe".

He replied but I haven't checked it yet. It'd be SO different if we could see each other.
Almost 2.5y since seeing each other, I'm sick of this being the entirety of our relationship.

When I've suggested we talk once a week or such, he gets pretty upset. I agree "it's all we have" but now I'm feeling that talking once a week is the absolute most I'm willing to give, like THE most.

Otherwise it's just the Same Stuff Different Day.

I had a COOL day today. Didn't do ANYTHING I thought I'd do lol but had fun doing things I WANTED to do. Made pancakes for brekky (my dog was just freaking out about his OWN SHADOW hahaha!), did some housework, filled up 5 garbage bags of rubbish from the dungeon (where my boys live downstairs) and from the garden.

It was wonderful to explore my garden, take my time and be present. I'll post more on the gardening thread.
Came in at dark lol, made a yummy Butter Chicken for dinner with our little cherry tomatoes in it, then had a nap!

I'm doing an EXTRA Course for the next 6 months through work. Maybe IDK, 200 hours of my own time. No time off work to complete it.
This is on top of ALL the meetings we ALREADY have on before and after work.
I opted to do it voluntarily bec someone needed to do it lol.

Sometimes I'm feeling sad. Alot of personal loss.
I'm ok when the kids are around or I'm working in the garden etc.

I was hoping to get our beds swapped these holidays but the boys are really busy & exhausted. I need to save my money for the roof & ceiling repairs, so not sure if I want to hire our Handyman to help. Probably will later.

I'm eating well which is something good!
I'm quite content considering everything.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling, gardening, letting go

LOTS of things came up in Counselling yesterday.
My brother; I decided to "let him go". As I'm saying this I want to sob hard. I still feel the same incredible, deep love & gratitude that I felt as a little girl driving with my parents to pick him up from the Orphanage... I WAS SO EXCITED! We waited YEARS for him. My little heart was broken from losing my brother & this new baby was like a Gift from God.
I felt like God wasn't angry with me anymore, because he gifted a little baby for me to be a sister again.
I've never felt any differently about him. Just LOVED him. Coddled him lol, would do anything I could for him.

I found out on the weekend via Alexa that our mother has been vilifying me to my brother & everyone else since she was taken away by Police & jailed decades ago.

How my entire family could believe those lies is truly BEYOND me!
I have NEVER done anything bad to my family. Just LOVED them.

I thought I "only had my brother left" but it was an illusion, thank GOD that illusion held up as long as it did because I wouldn't have coped knowing he'd deserted me too during the Courts period.
But he had.
I was in denial.
So many things prove it.

Sami (my C) said "you've known this for a while now" & stuff like that... I admitted, I must've been in denial.
What a wonderful place denial can be!

Luckily my gardener offered to help me this morning in my garden. I think these feeling of deep deep loss would've flooded me earlier... they're coming in now.

Part of me wants to visit him & say sorry. But I know I'll cry too much. Sorry for expecting him to be part of our lives, when he didn't want to, sorry I didn't know that.

It triggers me to know instinctively what this is ALSO about.
Money. Sil is very greedy. Her family are rich & send money all the time but it's never enough.
My instincts are forewarning me.
I know hell is looming over that.

I worked hard with my gardener till lunch when he left. Then I pulled apart the last circle of our previous 7 circle Mandala Garden I made when I thought we were a happy family. As I pulled up each brick (c200 lodged in roots etc) I said thankyou.
Thankyou for the JOY my garden brought me when my kids were so little.

More hit me too but I managed.

Mandala gone now.
Just like those times when I thought I was happy. I WAS happy.
But things were stirring then as they are now.

I've got this.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

that was really powerful what you wrote

having a little baby to care for when ur young - really reminds me of a little cousin being born when i was younger and how i literally thought it was my baby and i'd been tasked with protecting it. I felt like that towards all babies tbh. I can understand and that's a beautiful post.

That's nice that the gardener was with u and u got into the garden together. How's it looking?
Thanks for ur beautiful post.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

I cried alot last night. My eyes were already swollen from the garden work - shavings of noxious weeds got in there and maybe some swelling from spider bites idk. So I just showered and cried. Went to bed and cried.

To anyone else my back garden prob looks like a wasteland lol, to me it's really beginning to form and come to life.

There's so much work left to do. Still massive piles of tree branches from the lopping last year, I burnt around 70% last year but are not allowed to burn anymore (prob wasn't then either!).
My gardener suggested we put ALL the garden refuse in the old pool. We began doing that yesterday. I guess this will help contain it all in one place to rot down.

But some other piles of lantana & weeds have decomposed well under old carpet, almost flat with the ground now which is awesome.
We made new ones yesterday.

This is more for the gardening thread lol.

But it's looking so much better!

Being in the back garden triggers my children so they don't go down there.

I found a company that makes Kit homes for half the price of around here, and if I ever get the money to build my cabin, I'll ask them but I want my design so we'll see!

Need to take the kids Winter clothes shopping today.

I just had a break to make a hot milo and remembered that my bins were still up on the street from garbage night.
When I went to get them, I saw my brother had left my lawn mower in my front garden.

That's it I guess.
No more relationship?

Yes, my garden is looking much better lol.
Thanks for asking Sleepy

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey Em i hope the cry helped and ur feeling a bit better.

That is rough re your brother and the SIL as well. I hear you there.
I hope u are okay and I"m sure your garden looks magical. Growth!!

Crying is helpful I think, it releases a lot, I know a lot of ppl feel distressed when they get to a point or place where the tears don't come. Moving, crying, gardening 🙂

Sending care and support!!

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Had a more difficult day today. Needed to take the kids shopping for clothes but it went well (thank goodness!). I have a persistent headache, light sensitive. Probably not enough water to drink yesterday.

Needing to put aside my feelings and what I know I need, to care for the kid's needs is an ongoing thing.

I really needed to cry last night. And this morning. I guess like every parted relationship when we didn't want it to go away, I miss what I thought we had. I miss what I thought I had with bro-sil.
It was all "my stuff" putting on rose coloured glasses. I was living in denial over it.
I really miss it but not sure what "it" is lol... my imagination probably.

Also procrastinating talking with BF. The sad thing is that I know this NC would be hurting him and I don't want to hurt him.
I'm just so stressed and trying to work things out for myself that I can't have him crowd out my thoughts and days on end.

Some nice things happened today too, it wasn't all bad lol.

I thought about you today. KMart had some really nice warm clothes in there. I saw THE most amazing big thick socks, they looked so warm.

I really hope things settle with your work. It sounds like a pretty bad situation.
Here for you xxxx

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

I've talked to a fair number of people about long distance relationships over the years, not just here on the forum but during other activities in Real Life™ and have come to a couple of conclusions.

The first is that any LDR of any duration is just like conditions on ships of previous centuries, before limes etc were used. There is something that is essential missing from the relationship, even if invisible or not recognized, just as in the olden seafarers' diet. It most often leads to illness of the relationship and possibly more serious consequences as time goes on as that lack takes its toll.

It can be OK for a short while or even somewhat longer if normal routine means both parties know when it is ending and reunion is going to happen. That gives a texture of looking forward to the definite. Mind you even regular FIFO's who have the benefit of certain return sometimes cannot weather the constant recurring distance.

Those LDRs that vaguely 'hope' getting together will happen, but really have no mandatory timing or easy remedy to get permanently physically together, they are the ones where the lack of 'lime' leads to an ever more barren relationship until it can peter out.

Humans really are designed to have the significant others in their lives physically close, the 'lime' is composed of so many things, sundry hard to realize or define.

When my first wife was in hospital for 9 months prior to passing away we'd always talk on the phone all evening, but even so I'd have to drop in to the hospital after work each day for a short while, it answered a need for both of us, the phone was just not enough.

I guess there are exceptions, maybe you are one of them, you do have a rich life and fertile mind after all, but it does take two.

Sorry to sound a little gloomy, it was inspired by your current seeming lack of enthusiasm and I'd not want you to feel a failure or guilty as you are bucking a power of nature.

Croix

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Hello, dear friend. Deep water times. Hard to stay above it all, finding time and space to dive deep, being brave and true, to yourself, to your values, balancing life in all it's complexity.....All this I hear in your words, sense you carrying with you as you work, and care for children and consider your work and life committments upcoming.

Nothing is certain in life. Accepting the uncertainty, also means opening ourselves up to the pain and hurt of events we hadn't considered (as well as those we have).

It's such a risk!

And yet. what else can we do, but to live with the risks, of feeling, loving, relating.....

I hear the pain of loss in you atm dear Em. Be wary of cutting everything out, saying goodbye, just so you don't have to feel the pain. The pain and loss is real, from so many other areas. The recent losses, the echo of the loss of your life partner, even tho he is a demon it still hurts, along with all the dreams and hopes and plans of that relationship. I hear you mourning the loss of your small dependent children, which is a natural process. And the loss of the relationship you hoped to share with your brother. So much to navigate! And you are travelling so beautifully, so gracefully, so serenely, amidst all the pain and confusion.

Thankyou for sharing your journey Em. It does indeed make beautiful, poignant reading.

My heart travels with you, for a time, in this place.

Much love,

J*